The Show Is Over, Say Goodbye

David is my con-wife, and thus it is my responsibility to take care of him. I make sure he gets where he needs to be, that he’s well fed and that he stays hydrated during the day. Any free food or snacks or luxuries of any kind that I am afforded via fans or acquaintances, I do my best to share with him. In return he doesn’t put up too much of a fight when I convince him that any free booze “WE” were given by fans was actually meant for “ME” and I am “PROBABLY” going to “SHARE” it with him. He also repays me in how he falls asleep very quickly at night and lays there, mostly silent, while I stare at the ceiling wishing I could sleep in any bed other than my own. That is, unless I try to watch TV or keep the lights on past his bedtime. Then he gets VERRRRY cranky.

The pants difficulties depicted above actually happened to David and his MARITAL wife as we all were leaving Seattle this year. I’d like to take credit, but, “The more you pull it, the longer it gets!” is an actual thing David, an actual adult human, exclaimed in an airport as his MARITAL wife pawed and grasped at his crotchital region. At that moment, the muse spoke to me, and I wrote down everything he said. It was poetry in pants problems.


COMMENTERS: Do you have a con-wife, or a work-spouse,  or a consummate travel partner or any other kind of oddly intimate, but non-sexual relationship that seems to only activate in a certain place or while performing a certain activity?

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  1. This thing had me actually laughing out loud.

    I organised my first festival this weekend and as it happens, I found that I was taking care of stuff all the time and usually forgot to take care of myself – living on apples, coffee and beer instead of actually consuming more than one cheese-sandwich a day while making 14hr days. At some point two female volunteers started fussing, trying to sit me down so I could take some rest and eat. Of course that didn't work: I just grabbed a sausage which I started eating while recollecting the next thing on my to-do list and then vanished off again while eating it – but the fact that people would go out of their way to keep track of my eating habits is somehow comforting.

  2. I work in a small office, where the 2 partners of the business are about 20 years older than me, 1 male and 1 female. So they became my office parents, which always makes it doubly awkward when they have a disagreement…..

  3. Excuse me, I now have to go create a whiskey cocktail called the "Crust-less Snack", specifically aimed at Cons. (must use a vitamin supplement somehow)

    My wife has at least two work husbands, that's what she calls them and it's entertaining to see how uncomfortable they get when she does it in front of me.

  4. This reminds me of something I happily got to witness years ago at an SCA feast. My friend and her boyfriend went in matching Tudor garb, and halfway through the night one of the elastic straps holding his codpiece on fell off. They went out into the hallway to fix it, where the light was better. I had a spare safety pin so I hung out with them while she tried to stretch the end of the elastic to reach the codpiece again. In retrospect I don't know why she didn't just have him take it off, but doing so would have prevented me (and several passersby) from seeing the entertaining spectacle of her on her knees in front of him, with her head under his thigh-length tunic, tugging at his crotch, while mumbling (with her mouth full of safety pin), "Hold still! I can't 'ake it reach!" Meanwhile he's standing there with this huge embarrassed grin, going, "I swear it's not what you think…"

  5. This is a perfect example of one of the main things Fancy Bastards love about your comics Joel. The dialogue that starts out hilarious and just keeps it up all the way through. Instead of working towards one or two "punch lines", you have these great gems peppered throughout the whole strip.
    "Some wife. Mine probably", so simple yet I am still chuckling at it.

    And David. Oh David. with his childlike love of robots, his actually saying things like "the more you tug on it the longer it gets", he must the the most pure and innocent of souls…. to ever draw dicks jokes and porn for a living…

    • That's very kind of you to say, and exactly what I strive for with these comics. I know I'll never be competing with other hardcore drama or relationship comics in terms of… well, drama and relationships, but I do enjoy turning a phrase or two as well as keeping the panels dense with funny things to read. "Set up, beat, punchline" has never interested me that much. I'd prefer to think I come more from the "30 Rock" school of dialog writing than the "Every other network sitcom ever" school.

      • You shouldn't sell yourself to short on the drama side of things though.
        You've done some very moving and well written dramatic stuff already. It's still only fairly recently that you've branched out in that direction, and are steadily getting better all the time.

        Sure "full time serial drama about relationships" is unlikely to ever be your style. But you can definitely "bring the feels" when you want to.

        I'm not trying to be a total "suck up" here, just saying that I already enjoy the drama you've done, and I see it getting steadily refined.
        But be it comedy or drama, I always enjoy and admire (and yes, ENVY) your word play and dialogue.

  6. I miss the friction belt style of Boy Scout belts of the nineties. The new ones are uncomfortable and annoying.

    About the closest I can think of to a "con-wife" is the relationship I have with another volunteer at a botanic garden. She's about four times my age and tries really hard to treat me like her grandson. It's kind of weird, but she knows her plants and she gives me pie. I can live with that.

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