If You See Something, Say Something

TORONTO FANCY BASTARDS! I will be with Cyanide & Happiness at FANExpo Canada, August 28-31 at booth 456! I’ll have lots of shirts and prints and we’ll be doing sketches all weekend. We’ll also be hosting the 3rd annual Toronto Banana Bar Crawl! I hope to see you there! MORE INFO HERE! 


Cartoonists are an odd lot. You put a pen in our hand and it just starts drawing dicks. It’s a reflex. To tell a cartoonist NOT to draw a dozen dicks on a table cloth at a nice restaurant is like telling them not to exhale. Our bodies just DO that. So there’s the physiological side of this issue and there’s also the sociological imperative. As this comic mentions, I… WE are from THE INTERNET, so we are not bound by the traditional and outdated “Do not draw a hundred dicks on everything” based system of values. We are evolved. Much like the anthropomorphic dicks I might draw, who they THEMSELVES have their own dicks. See? That kind of forward penis thinking doesn’t come from being confined by societal norms! It comes from the unadulterated freedom an Internet cartoonist has to express their-self through FREE EXPRESSION. The kind of expression where a humanoid dick can be depicted with any number of additional dicks! Dicks for arms? Sure! Dicks for eyes? YOU BET! An ever repeating fractal dick where the dick’s dick ought to be? THIS IS AMERICA, GOD DAMMIT! DRAW DAT DICK!


Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

sonic screwdriver earings matt smith elevelth doctor who etsy


Where Wings Take Dream

TORONTO FANCY BASTARDS! I will be with Cyanide & Happiness at FANExpo Canada, August 28-31 at booth 456! I’ll have lots of shirts and prints and we’ll be doing sketches all weekend. We’ll also be hosting the 3rd annual Toronto Banana Bar Crawl! I hope to see you there! MORE INFO HERE! 

This is basically a true story. I am not an easy sleeper. I can pretty much only sleep in my bed, in my house and even then it’s pretty hit or miss. Sleeping at night is a learned skill for me, and I learned it using certain tools. Replace those tools with a fold out couch in Denver or an air mattress in Seattle and all the learning just fades away. I did, however, manage to sleep in an airport just once. I can’t remember which convention I was coming home from, but I know I hadn’t slept in at least 2 days. I had to quickly lay claim to a spot and devise a plan that would A) wake me up on time) and B) alert me if any of my stuff was moved. I think I had 2 suitcases and a backpack, so I held the backpack like a baby and tied the suitcases to my feet using a luggage strap. I put my phone, with the alarm set as loud as it would go, in my pocket, my glasses in my suitcase and my headphones in my ears. I rolled over and proceeded to drool and twitch while unconscious for a solid 45 minutes. My only real hope was that I would look just crazy enough that no one would think to bother me. I suppose it worked, because I awoke unrefreshed and unmolested. Airport Terminal sleep is anything but restful. At that point it was just necessary for survival. It was the sleep equivalent of eating your own leg to survive. Considering the cost and quality of airport sandwiches, that might have also been a necessary tactic.


COMMENTERS: Where’s the oddest place you’ve ever slept, or the most inappropriate/unfortunate thing you’ve ever slept through?

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

sonic screwdriver earings matt smith elevelth doctor who etsy


The Show Is Over, Say Goodbye

David is my con-wife, and thus it is my responsibility to take care of him. I make sure he gets where he needs to be, that he’s well fed and that he stays hydrated during the day. Any free food or snacks or luxuries of any kind that I am afforded via fans or acquaintances, I do my best to share with him. In return he doesn’t put up too much of a fight when I convince him that any free booze “WE” were given by fans was actually meant for “ME” and I am “PROBABLY” going to “SHARE” it with him. He also repays me in how he falls asleep very quickly at night and lays there, mostly silent, while I stare at the ceiling wishing I could sleep in any bed other than my own. That is, unless I try to watch TV or keep the lights on past his bedtime. Then he gets VERRRRY cranky.

The pants difficulties depicted above actually happened to David and his MARITAL wife as we all were leaving Seattle this year. I’d like to take credit, but, “The more you pull it, the longer it gets!” is an actual thing David, an actual adult human, exclaimed in an airport as his MARITAL wife pawed and grasped at his crotchital region. At that moment, the muse spoke to me, and I wrote down everything he said. It was poetry in pants problems.


COMMENTERS: Do you have a con-wife, or a work-spouse,  or a consummate travel partner or any other kind of oddly intimate, but non-sexual relationship that seems to only activate in a certain place or while performing a certain activity?

To Siri, With Love

FUNDRAISER UPDATE: 73/100 “Daddy/Daughter Digital Drawing Time” prints were sold! Although they didn’t all sell I was able to raise enough to pay my tax bill due to a handful of EXTREMELY generous donations from some very Fancy Bastards. I am going to leave the prints up for sale for now, so if you want to get one later you’ll still have a chance. I am, as always, humbled by and grateful for the outpouring of support that you Fancy Bastards show when I am in a time of need.

Check out my wife’s new Game Of Thrones inspired necklaces for you Starks and Lannisters in her Etsy store.

That Siri is a complicated lady. You have to know just the right words to say to her.

Guest Comic By Lar deSouza: “Cry, The Red Moon”


[NOTE: I am writing this on Wednesday 4/24/13, before my flight to Calgary. So in all likelihood I am already dead, made a meal by a pack of blood starved hell beasts.]

Lar just gets me, man. He knows what it’s like to pay $600 for a flight to Calgary that leaves at 6am, so you have to be at the airport at 4am (international flight), so you have to leave the house at 3am, so you have to be up at 2:30am after going to bed at 2:20am, only for the privilege of a 4 hour layover in Phoenix before boarding your actual flight to the actual place you are going to draw dicks on paper for kind people with silly pastel money. Lar knows what’s going to be waiting for me at the airport. At each of the three airports I will visit. Lar knows they can smell my exhaustion, my frustration on the ill wind that creeps and hollers through Terminals A through C.

Lar is the most versatile and adept artist I know. He creates art like fish swim: constantly and seemingly without effort. He’s a mentor, a tutor, a surrogate uncle and he can pound back a bottle of chocolate wine like nobodies business. Check out his Tumblr, his comic, his other comic, his print shop and his t-shirt store.

For the confusedly uninitiated, #bloodwolves are the physical manifestation of all of my frustrations with air travel when going to conventions. Sometimes I am their prey, sometimes I am their kin and other times I just tell their story in order to garner favor, grow their legend and keep them at bay. Insomnia induced delirium? What Insomnia induced delirium? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAGHLAAAGHLLAGHLLLL[THROWS UP BLOOD FOREVER]!!!

 COMMENTERS: How have the #bloodwolves tormented you?

Comments (15)

Admin Options

Mostly on buses, preventing me from sleeping while the bus rolls across the plains. They torment me with their howling.
I love the way Lar draws you.
Mr c's avatar

Mr c · 112 weeks ago

This was up for a bit Yesterday

And i love it, run for your seat joel, before they reinitiate you into the pack

Fayili's avatar

Fayili · 112 weeks ago

Every time. Sometimes the layovers last six hours. Sometimes eleven. Sometimes only one. They’re always there, pacing, around a kiosk corner or next to the Cinnabon. JFK or O’Hare. Even London. They’re there.

When I finally arrive in Ireland, I hit the ground running, and when I make it through customs, my beau looks at me with mild concern. For some reason, they’ve never bothered him when he flies to me. I don’t like to speculate why.

For the moment, I am safe. But they know that in a month, or three months, I’ll have to go home. And they wait…

I am immune to Bloodwolves. For I have …NEXUS!
nenslo's avatar

nenslo · 112 weeks ago

Clearly your theme song should be The Prodigy – Run With The Wolves

I don’t understand that need to be first. We’re all going to the same place. Crazy people, I be you’d be a lot less stressed if you’d just wait until your damn row is called.

I tend to be very zen about travelling because…..because. It is what it is. Maybe that comes from travelling with my former flight attendant mom so much when I was a kid. But, I don’t want to talk to people (much like the rest of my life) and so when people push and shove or get loud or decide to ignore the Headphones of Don’t Bother Me, I do tend to get stressy.

Just booked my flight to SDCC this week. Can’t wait! It’s my first con since SDCC 2011.

This might be my favourite guest strip ever!

I hate flying so much I recently drove 4000 km to go to a wedding rather than fly. The blood wolves will not get me, dammit!

2 replies · active 110 weeks ago

The Unknown FB's avatar

The Unknown FB · 112 weeks ago

I’ve gone so far as to calculate the ROI on the cost of flights vs. what I make per hour to determine whether I’m going to rent a car to drive long distance or fly to “attempt” to save the time.
Once you factor in a 4-6 hour flight (mandatory connecting because of where I now live) and time waiting in airport, it approaches the 13 hour drive time back home to visit family, which makes doing either a PITA.
Mahnarch's avatar

Mahnarch · 110 weeks ago

Muah-ha-ha! This is why I went and got myself a Pilot’s License!
My plane! My stuff! My schedule!
And, the view is better!
HikingViking's avatar

HikingViking · 111 weeks ago

I loath air travel. Actually, when I think about air travel, it makes me mad that this country doesn’t have high-speed rail like many other places. I’d still have to get on a plane for flights to Europe or Asia, but international flights are usually a little better (bigger seats, choice of movies, etc.). Mostly though, I hate all of the extra security bull$h*t. I travelled from Seattle to Korea last year, and had to literally sprint through almost the entirety of San Francisco International airport on a layover, only to be held up in another security screening. Apparently, SFO’s international terminal isn’t connected to their other terminals, so there’s no way to avoid a security screen even if you’ve already had one in the U.S. I could go on, and on, and on – really, my issues with air travel are about the closest I get to sounding like a conspiracy theorist. Ultimately thought, “they” kind of have us over a barrel, and until that whole teleportation thing is figured out, we’re pretty much SOL (International).
preciousRoy's avatar

preciousRoy · 111 weeks ago

I’ve flown out of O’Hell once, the experience was pleasant until I got to my destination. Apparently that part of Texas just smells like diesel fumes.