If You See Something, Say Something

If You See Something, Say Something

TORONTO FANCY BASTARDS! I will be with Cyanide & Happiness at FANExpo Canada, August 28-31 at booth 456! I’ll have lots of shirts and prints and we’ll be doing sketches all weekend. We’ll also be hosting the 3rd annual Toronto Banana Bar Crawl! I hope to see you there! MORE INFO HERE!  Cartoonists are an odd lot. You put a pen in our hand and it just starts drawing dicks. It’s a reflex. To tell a cartoonist NOT to draw a dozen dicks on a table cloth at a nice restaurant is like telling them not to exhale. Our bodies just DO that. So there’s the physiological side of this issue and there’s also the sociological imperative. As this comic mentions, I… WE are from THE INTERNET, so we are not bound by the traditional and outdated “Do not draw a hundred dicks on everything” based system of values. We are evolved. Much like the anthropomorphic dicks I might draw, who they THEMSELVES have their own dicks. See? That kind of forward penis thinking doesn’t come from being confined by societal norms! It comes from the unadulterated freedom an Internet cartoonist has to express their-self through FREE EXPRESSION. The kind of expression where a humanoid dick can be depicted with any number of additional dicks! Dicks for arms? Sure! Dicks for eyes? YOU BET! An ever repeating fractal dick where the dick’s dick ought to be? THIS IS AMERICA, GOD DAMMIT! DRAW DAT DICK! Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made!  https://www.etsy.com/listing/200762224/doctor-who-inspired-sonic-screwdriver Tags: air travel, airport, airports, drawing...
Where Wings Take Dream

Where Wings Take Dream

TORONTO FANCY BASTARDS! I will be with Cyanide & Happiness at FANExpo Canada, August 28-31 at booth 456! I’ll have lots of shirts and prints and we’ll be doing sketches all weekend. We’ll also be hosting the 3rd annual Toronto Banana Bar Crawl! I hope to see you there! MORE INFO HERE!  This is basically a true story. I am not an easy sleeper. I can pretty much only sleep in my bed, in my house and even then it’s pretty hit or miss. Sleeping at night is a learned skill for me, and I learned it using certain tools. Replace those tools with a fold out couch in Denver or an air mattress in Seattle and all the learning just fades away. I did, however, manage to sleep in an airport just once. I can’t remember which convention I was coming home from, but I know I hadn’t slept in at least 2 days. I had to quickly lay claim to a spot and devise a plan that would A) wake me up on time) and B) alert me if any of my stuff was moved. I think I had 2 suitcases and a backpack, so I held the backpack like a baby and tied the suitcases to my feet using a luggage strap. I put my phone, with the alarm set as loud as it would go, in my pocket, my glasses in my suitcase and my headphones in my ears. I rolled over and proceeded to drool and twitch while unconscious for a solid 45 minutes. My only real hope was that I would look just...
The Show Is Over, Say Goodbye

The Show Is Over, Say Goodbye

David is my con-wife, and thus it is my responsibility to take care of him. I make sure he gets where he needs to be, that he’s well fed and that he stays hydrated during the day. Any free food or snacks or luxuries of any kind that I am afforded via fans or acquaintances, I do my best to share with him. In return he doesn’t put up too much of a fight when I convince him that any free booze “WE” were given by fans was actually meant for “ME” and I am “PROBABLY” going to “SHARE” it with him. He also repays me in how he falls asleep very quickly at night and lays there, mostly silent, while I stare at the ceiling wishing I could sleep in any bed other than my own. That is, unless I try to watch TV or keep the lights on past his bedtime. Then he gets VERRRRY cranky. The pants difficulties depicted above actually happened to David and his MARITAL wife as we all were leaving Seattle this year. I’d like to take credit, but, “The more you pull it, the longer it gets!” is an actual thing David, an actual adult human, exclaimed in an airport as his MARITAL wife pawed and grasped at his crotchital region. At that moment, the muse spoke to me, and I wrote down everything he said. It was poetry in pants problems. COMMENTERS: Do you have a con-wife, or a work-spouse,  or a consummate travel partner or any other kind of oddly intimate, but non-sexual relationship that seems to only activate in a...
To Siri, With Love

To Siri, With Love

FUNDRAISER UPDATE: 73/100 “Daddy/Daughter Digital Drawing Time” prints were sold! Although they didn’t all sell I was able to raise enough to pay my tax bill due to a handful of EXTREMELY generous donations from some very Fancy Bastards. I am going to leave the prints up for sale for now, so if you want to get one later you’ll still have a chance. I am, as always, humbled by and grateful for the outpouring of support that you Fancy Bastards show when I am in a time of need. Check out my wife’s new Game Of Thrones inspired necklaces for you Starks and Lannisters in her Etsy store. That Siri is a complicated lady. You have to know just the right words to say to her. Tags: airport, airports, apple, artificial intelligence, ios, ios7, iphone, siri, steve...
Guest Comic By Lar deSouza: “Cry, The Red Moon”

Guest Comic By Lar deSouza: “Cry, The Red Moon”

I AM IN CALGARY RIGHT NOT FOR CALGARY EXPO!!! Details HERE.  [NOTE: I am writing this on Wednesday 4/24/13, before my flight to Calgary. So in all likelihood I am already dead, made a meal by a pack of blood starved hell beasts.] Lar just gets me, man. He knows what it’s like to pay $600 for a flight to Calgary that leaves at 6am, so you have to be at the airport at 4am (international flight), so you have to leave the house at 3am, so you have to be up at 2:30am after going to bed at 2:20am, only for the privilege of a 4 hour layover in Phoenix before boarding your actual flight to the actual place you are going to draw dicks on paper for kind people with silly pastel money. Lar knows what’s going to be waiting for me at the airport. At each of the three airports I will visit. Lar knows they can smell my exhaustion, my frustration on the ill wind that creeps and hollers through Terminals A through C. Lar is the most versatile and adept artist I know. He creates art like fish swim: constantly and seemingly without effort. He’s a mentor, a tutor, a surrogate uncle and he can pound back a bottle of chocolate wine like nobodies business. Check out his Tumblr, his comic, his other comic, his print shop and his t-shirt store. For the confusedly uninitiated, #bloodwolves are the physical manifestation of all of my frustrations with air travel when going to conventions. Sometimes I am their prey, sometimes I am their kin and other times I just tell their story in...
Malcolm And His Amazing Monocolor Browncoat

Malcolm And His Amazing Monocolor Browncoat

Last night I tuned into the Firefly 10th anniversary marathon on the Science Channel somewhere around hour 3. I didn’t get up from the spot I was in for the next 12 hours. I really hadn’t watched the entire series since the DVD’s came out. I was gifted the Blu Rays for my birthday by a generous Fancy Bastard, but I had yet to break them out and it seemed like 10 years was far too long to have waited. It also seemed like an impossible amount of time to have passed since they did, in fact, take the sky from me. 3 New Shirts at @Sharksplode: Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey, Rival Smugglers and Might Club! Grammar Dalek shirts are now available in Ladies sizes! Also, pretty much all HE shirts are back in stock size-wise for your holiday shopping enjoyment.  One thing that always catches me off guard about Firefly is that all the tropes and memes and catch phrases are things that were used, shown or said just once in the series. Everything the nerds glommed onto, from Jayne hats, to strawberries, to tight pants, to problematic food were just one off gags in single episodes. I think this is a testament to two things: A) the show was so well crafted that everything about it felt pre-established upon the first viewing. The world, the ‘Verse Firefly presented us with was already fully realized, even as it was unfolding before us bit by bit. To the audience it really felt like peeking in to something very old (in terms of development) and very real. And B) With only 15 hours of...
Of Tooth And Claw. Of Blood And Stone.

Of Tooth And Claw. Of Blood And Stone.

Strange things happen to me when I travel. I basically suspend the need for regular sleep and go into a sort of survival mode fueled by adrenaline, alcohol and copious amounts of meat. I become a creature not of reason, but of instinct. I become… a BLOODWOLF! Also sometimes I am chased by them through airports. I am alternately one OF them or tormented BY them. It depends on how long my flight is delayed or when the last time I had any coffee was. Anyway, the underlying condition that brings on the Bloodwolves is called Plane Madness, and I promise that you do not wish it on your worst enemy (my worst enemies are the rival pack to the north known as Cave Wolf Clan). “George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!! Plane Madness, scientists believe, stems from the unbelievable amount of horseshit you have to deal with in modern day air travel. Pat downs, porno scanners, oversold flights, lost checked bags, lost CARRY ON bags (seriously this happened to me once), missed connections, confusing terminals, other passengers, people in general… it’s all just maddening. Since I am traveling A LOT these days in order to peddle my wares and sundries at various comic’ed book type conventions, I am subject to the throws of Plane Madness more often than the average Bloodwolf human person. The incredibly odd thing about my condition, and you may know this if you follow me on Twitter, is that in order to keep my tenuous grip on reality during the onset of Plane Madness I have to immerse myself in fictional scenarios that are...
The Great Iron Bird And The Blood Moon

The Great Iron Bird And The Blood Moon

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!! Sometimes air travel can be stressful. Like, what is the deal with airline peanuts? And what about that pack of Bloodwolves that always chases you through the airport trying to get you to fight for your place of honor within their pack and claim your wolfbride? And why is there so little legroom? These are the questions be need to be asking. Having missed my flight home from Emerald City Comicon, I was forced to stay an extra day in Seattle and thus, no regular comic update for today. My bad fortune ended up being David’s good fortune since his plane didn’t leave until 11pm Monday night. We were able to celebrate his birthday in style (and cuddle) and rejoice in the fact that his recent suicide attempt had failed. My flight back to DFW was at 6am Tuesday morning, a time which I did not appreciate until later when I learned that Dallas and its surrounding suburbs were being destroyed by TORNADOGEDDON 2012 and all flights in or out of DFW would soon be grounded. We got plenty of rain, but no damage to our home or our frail human bodies. I would like to reiterate that ECCC is THE BEST comic convention in North America. The Fancy Bastards I encountered in Seattle went above and beyond to make me feel welcomed and appreciated. And the cookies… oh sweet baby crocodile-faced Jesus monster clone, there were so many cookies. Also booze. There were so many tiny bottles of booze. We… did things with candy and booze… bad things. Also I...
Wheaton Comic Dare: Check Your Bag Before We Wreck Your Bag

Wheaton Comic Dare: Check Your Bag Before We Wreck Your Bag

When Southwest called me to tell me they had found my bag I was in the back of Jason Finn‘s car with Wil on the way to meet Stepto and Marian Call. Jason and Wil were talking Mini Coopers and there was talk radio coming over the car speakers, so I pressed my phone against my right ear as hard as I could and plugged the left one with my little finger. I asked the woman on the other end of the line to repeat herself. “Shredded,” she said. “Shredded?” I replied. “Like we were a polar bear and your suitcase was a seal covered in maple syrup,” she responded. They couriered what was left of my bag to my hotel later that night. From the extent of the damage I was completely unable to come up with a scenario by which this violation could have actually occurred. It hadn’t simply been dropped or snagged. It seemed as though some sort of manimal had clawed into (or out of) my small rolling suitcase in a blind rage. Can a creature truly hate a piece of luggage? I dare say it can. In my search for a reasonable explantation, Wil offered the Sarlacc pit theory and thus a comic was born. Later in the weekend I would prototype this comic in Wil’s copy of HE Book 2. [Special thanks to Wil for contributing his first line in panel 1, a reference to his character in the Penny Arcade D&D Podcast.] I toyed with the idea of continuing the Emerald City Comicon Sketch comics [Part 1 and Part 2] another day,...