The Bean Belt

All joking aside, THIS is exactly how we, as a nation, will be subjugated by foreign powers in the years to come. Coffee embargos! Java rationing! That will only be the beginning, but it will lead us to our end. Save your spent grounds! Stuff them in your mattresses! You will need them for bartering in tomorrow’s coffee-less wasteland. The Great Coffee Wars will claim 50% of humanity in the first 5 years. The other 50% will wish they had died along with their sons and daughters and former baristas. Dark times are ahead indeed, but not dark roasted timed. I like my future like I like my coffee: harsh and bleak.

I shutter to even consider the fact that we can’t actually grow the trees necessary to product chocolate in North America. How are we even still a thing?

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0 Comments

  1. And we non-coffee drinkers will rule the post-Coffee War wasteland like kings! Until our enlightened successor state collapses under the weight of its own smugness, of course.

  2. You think THAT idea is scary? There probably wont even be any chocolate for anyone in 20 years because due to the difficulty of cultivating the cocoa beans, and the chocolate companies refusal to pay decently for the produce to keep prices low for the consumers, the farmers are increasingly turning to money crops such as tobacco. Hope you enjoyed those candy bars while they lasted, guys! Our own greed has ensured it will be the last ones we ever tasted!

    • I really do wonder what event, what “comfort extinction” is going to push us into some sort of action to actually preserve the planet or change our behavior regarding the idea of “unlimited resources.” Will it be when California actually start rationing water? There’s only supposed to be about 50 years of gold left in the earth. Then it’s either recycling every electronic device in every dump in the world or going without electronics. Will chocolate start to cost $100 an ounce? The near future is going to have a few “remember how it used to be?” events that are going to change the way we live whether we’re ready or not.

      • My guess would be water. Most other stuff can be synthesized or produced other ways, but once we run out of fresh water, thats pretty much it. And thats just if climate change doesnt just wreck the place first.

        • But, we can make and filter/desalinate water…

          We just don’t feel like it, right now.
          We’ll get to it next week. After we finish cleaning the garage.

  3. And the capitol of the United States will move to Hawaii, the only state where coffee and chocolate can be reliably grown. Mahalo.

  4. When the detox shakes kick in, that’s when we Brits will come over and start selling you English Breakfast Tea (the Methadone of the Caffeine world). But of course, you’ll have to pay double the tax we do.

    Try throwing it away this time! Mwahahahahaha…..

    • NNNNNNOOOOOOOoooooo!

      LOL. I was just reminded of an NPR segment.
      The host was talking about the Boston Tea Party and ended the segment with:
      “The King said, ‘Fine. Let them drink coffee.’
      And they did…
      For 200 years.”

  5. All of a sudden I feel better about Global Warming! Always need to look at the bright side of life! Thank you Joel!

  6. The British did some pretty awful, awful stuff to get their hands on precious, precious tea. So I can’t imagine that there’s much America wouldn’t do for coffee.

  7. me as a Brazilian could help with underground coffee during the coffee war… or I could just gather everything and leave everyone coffeless… all depend on the prices of the electronics that I have to buy from you

  8. I thought smugly about how I don’t drink coffee to wake up before a horrible thought comes along. Soda runs on caffeine, energy drinks have caffeine. Coffee beans have caffeine. Dear god! No… No…! NOOOOOOO!!

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