Harry Potter: Epilogue

If you think the weekly Pickle Parties are fantastic, you should see the annual Sausage Fest. It’s a hoot. I would go as far as to say a hoot and a half.

Josh isn’t alone. Many “young wizard enthusiasts” have expressed to me a sense of gloom and uncertainty at the prospect of a Potterless tomorrow. Renewed hope for this sorry lot may lie in the purported forthcoming Encyclopedia Potterotica. J.K. Rowling recently hinted at the possibility of some sort of dark codex of all things witchcraft and wizardry.

Honestly, if you are just seeking new Harry Potter content, look no further than your nearest internet. Fans have literally gagged the internet on original works of fiction and art. Such beautiful art. Arty art…. Ok, it’s mostly Harry sticking it sideways to Ron, Draco, Hagrid or some combination of the three, but if you burn for magical adolescent exploration and adventure it’s out there. That’s all I’m saying.

Regarding the comic: They say every time a fanboy takes a hatchet to the skull, an Angel gets its wings. Your welcome, Clarence. It truly is a wonderful life.

And The Deathly Spoilers

Hermione dies.

Ron dies.

Cedric dies again.

They all die virgins. Its a terrible ordeal, really. I’ve saved you the trouble of reading it.

Josh camped out for “Book 7” (thats secret wizard code for, “I’m not reading a children’s book”) like it was some sort of internet telephone device. An “i-telephone” if you are so inclined. I wonder if he has to be the first in line at the bakery when the new bread shows up at 4am. “I want to be the first one to get my hands on the new i-rye!”

Read no further lest ye be lookin’ for spoilers:

I didn’t actually read the whole thing in pirated jpg format (though some did). But I did read the last little bit just to confirm all the internet rumors. Can we say, “Deus ex Elderwandica?” Or is it, “Dumbledore ex Machina?” Either way, JKR certainly wrapped that 7 book series up in a tidy little package at the last minute there, didn’t she? I found the epilogue all together insulting, and I’m not really even a fan. I can only imagine how the scarved and bespectacled crowd must be taking it.

Let me paraphrase:

Epilogue –

Everyone got married and had lots and lots of magical babies. Voldemort still seems to be dead. No further detail is needed.

The End.

DIGG THIS COMIC

UPDATE 7/23/07

Ok, I’ve talked to a few “wand-wielders” this morning and it seems I have judged HP:ATDH:ROTJ too quickly. Assuming one had followed the series with a cult-like fanaticism from it’s inception, apparently the ending is quite satisfying. To be fair, I’ve only seen the movies, which are commonly regarded as the “dry hump” version of the books, and read a few leaked pages and random internet spoilers. An expert on the once and future wizard I am not.

If nothing else, Josh experienced some sort of cathartic plot-resolution-gasm that had been dangerously building pressure for nigh on 10 years.

This would make baby Jesus cry

The terrifying visions depicted in today’s comic are not the fevered dreams of madmen. No, friends, they are all too real. There is a entity on this earth that encourages you to bestow upon it offerings of discarded man-child hair which they will in turn, for a nominal fee, fashion into the very scalp of our diminutive infant baby lord and savior. I have seen it with mine own eyes.
I was watching How It’s Made on Discovery Science Channel and learned of this Canadian company that will take your child’s hair and cram it into a wax baby Jesus’s head area. It’s not the worst thing anyone’s ever done with a baby Jesus, but the whole ordeal was terrifying, none the less. The end results was some sort of glassy-eyed garden gnome Christ-effigy/ voodoo doll (not GooGoo Doll). There is a step towards the end of the assembly process where a worker heats up a knife and burns out the tiny Christ’s eyes.

The most depressing part is that someone goes to work EVERY DAY and makes these things.

“A Play”

Man on Street with hat: “I’m an investment banker. I drive a car and wear a hat. How do you spend your days, fine fellow?”

Wax Jesus Craftsman: “I perform hair transplants on monstrous abominations made to resemble the smallest 3rd of the Holy Trinity. Once the gentle babe is properly coiffed, and clothed, I produce my rapier. I hold my blade steady over a constant flame. Once it is glowing with searing heat I plunge the sharp steel into the wax baby’s eyeballs. Blinded but still breathing and aware of it’s surroundings, I can now install two perfect glass beads into its orbital sockets completing the transformation. Why do you ask?”

fin

Also, wax baby Jesus, is not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus.

You’ve got the touch. You’ve got the power.

I asked Josh what he thought of the Transformers movie. He said, “Holy shit! It’s one of my top 10 favorites! The final battle with Unicron was fucking life changing. I mean c’mon. Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar!? Fuck Yeah!”

“No, the new one. The Michael Bay one.”

His verbatim response is chronicled in the adjacent panels. Also, the gear-mangled, chewed-up remains of one Mr. Lebeouf is a far less desirable prize to keep in one’s chest than the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.

I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I hear an Xbox-ticon rapes some dude’s face off. So there’s that.

This comic was originally going to feature Spike (of Spike and Sparkplug fame). Perhaps you need to read up on the Witwicky family. Child protective services should have removed Spike from that household. Not only was he a teenager forced to work on an oil refinery platform, but he was encouraged to spend his free time embroiled in a cybernetic civil war for galactic conquest. They eventually gave him a job on the moon. I shit thee not. The moon.

I think that’s why they call it the Jesus Phone.

Josh camped out for an iPhone on Friday, knowing good and well Uncle Steve was flooding the stores with multiple millions of them at launch. That’s like camping out for the Unrated Director’s Cut of Norbit. Trust me, there’s going to be one left when you get there.

I haven’t procured the device in question yet, but I have been able to play with one for about 30 minutes. It was extraordinarily difficult to put down. It BEGS to be touched. Remember when Buffy first took hold of the scythe? Yeah, it was a lot like that. I KNEW it was mine. I was instinctively able to wield it.

And just to be clear, they do call it the Jesus phone.