Everyone has this friend on Facebook. If you DON’T have this friend on Facebook, then [SPOILERS] you ARE this friend on Facebook. Also you are the worst. There are a few people whose company I enjoy in real life and whose online behavior is that of an insane weirdo. These are the types of people that can only post in the form of rants, screed, diatribes and various other WALLS OF GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT YELLING WORDS.


Dearest Sharksploders, please help me get my Patreon over the $2000 hump. Comics is my full time job, but it doesn’t currently pay full time money. I’ve been doing a lot of freelance work lately (which distracts me from making comics) to make ends meet, and I’ve agreed to attend more conventions this year than I really feel comfortable with (which REALLY distracts me from making comics) out of financial fear. Every little bit helps and is QUITE appreciated.


I know these people are just venting, but I feel like they don’t understand that their venting has an audience, and not, perhaps, the audience to which their venting is directed. If you, like me, only really pay attention to to your close friends and family on Facebook, then any generalized “WAKE UP SHEEPLE!” type ranting that you post just makes your close friends and family think you’re an unhinged lunatic. Most people are not celebrities, and thus not privy to a large audience of strangers at which to broadcast ill-informed, un-researched, overly aggressive opinions.

That is, unless you still follow all your racist friends from high school, or your homophobic aunts, uncles and grandparents. Then you have a larger issue which is, why do you do this to yourself? Why do you invite negativity into your life? I’m sure e-yelling at these people feels great, but you’re also in e-earshot of all of your otherwise cool e-online-web-biz-2.0-friends and you are making them feel weird. It would feel SO MUCH better to just unfollow, block or otherwise ignore all the negative shitwads in your life. Ignore those shitwads! You deserve it. So do they.

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  1. I manage to go on facebook… maybe once a week. I only signed up because my mom forced me to.

    Following all her friends from Mississippi, where my mom lives, because I was too polite to deny their requests. Including the one that refused to acknowledge her daughter when she came out to her, and her mom, who blamed my mom for her son divorcing his wife.

    Because, you know… I’m a masochist who reads youtube and twitter comments, I guess.

  2. You either remove these people from your friends list or you mark them as an acquaintance and set your newsfeed to ignore acquaintances and ensure all status updates from now on are “friends except acquaintances”.

    Boom, problem solved.

  3. Yeah, I just use LiveJournal. No one reads it. Problem solved.

    –Actually, I use DreamWidth, because apparently I’m not enough of a hipster or something. There were Reasons involving LJ being a dick to their non-Russian users, but I don’t remember any details. Because it actually isn’t something that matters.

    Also, this is probably my brother. I don’t know if he uses FB, but it’s him in real life, and it’s fucking annoying. Citations? Personal experiences from people who have actually experienced what he’s ranting about? FORGET YOU. He and only *he* has the truth, sheeple (he actually uses it unironically), because he listens to conspiracy theory talk shows with, like, twenty listeners that The Gubment is trying to keep down. Everything you’re told is lies! Wake up, sheeple!

  4. I love the little detail of the guy in the comic using quotation marks as . . . . emphasis? Or whateverthehell it is that people mean when they write like that. That rings very true to how such screeds seem to be composed. Apparently the name “quotation marks” doesn’t actually alert some people to the usage intended by this member of the punctuation family.

    P.S. Took your “every bit helps” at face value and bumped my patreon sub every-so-slightly up from $3 (can you even buy a beer for that anymore?) to $5 (which you can maybe buy a beer with in some places and for certain levels of quality; I entirely understand if it is instead spent towards something booooring like “medical insurance” or “electricity”).

  5. Perhaps you could gently suggest they type the whole thing up in Word first, and leave it to the authority of the Wise Paper Clip.
    Only he can help them now.

  6. I don’t have this friend on Facebook
    And since I don’t bother using Facebook I can’t be that friend on Facebook
    Thus I just shat all over your theory
    I don’t wanna be mean
    Pls don’t hate me

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