I Hear Congratulations Are In Order

EXCELLENT NEWS! Lil’ Wil Wheaton Plushies are SHIPPING NOW!

Wil Wheaton Plushie Box - HijiNKS ENSUE

You can order yours HERE and get them in time for the holidays.

Here’s a follow up to the maddest of mad sciences that began in THIS comic. Why is Eli putting a lock on his door? Is it because of the horrible, chicken strangling snake trapped inside? YES! Most likely IT IS! That would make PERFECT SENSE! Snakes are INCREDIBLY TERRIFYING. If he really thought the snake was a limbless lizard, I suppose he would have tried to make some sort of wheeled sling for it. Maybe something using LEGO Mindstorms or some K’Nex. Or maybe the snake would have bitten him in the face until he died when he tried to strap a contraption onto it. My cat hates it when I put a Kleenex box on his head, and he’s not even technically a snake.

COMMENTERS: What’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever made with an animal with regards to trying to get it to do something or bothering it on purpose like a dummy? When I was about 8 my cat was giving birth and we had her all penned up in the front porch with pet gates and cardboard. I peeked over the cardboard, not wearing a shirt, and she lept onto my torso and dug all three and a half feet (she had seen better days) worth of feet into my chest. Unfortunately, all of her kittens died and she ate them because nature is HORRIFIC.

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21 Comments

  1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legless_lizard

    I have the inimitable Stephen Fry and this week's episode of QI to thank for this timely bit of information.

    If you've never seen this show, go find it on youtube now! Seriously. Best panel/trivia show EVER.

    Reply
      • I don my eyepatch and resort to Other Means to acquire the "QI XL" episodes – 45 minutes long instead of the 30 min. of the regular episodes.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QI – in case anyone is wondering what on earth we're on about.

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        • The XL episodes are up on youtube, too! (see the link above.) There's definitely some hilarious bits that don't tend to make the 30-min cut. So glad they started putting the XL episodes out a few seasons back.

          Reply
  2. I have a unique perspective, as I'm a veterinarian for a zoo. I made shoes for a penguin once, and they didn't seem to bother him. And I've seen some amazingly complex e-collars (AKA cones of shame) made for various animals. Turns out a 10 gallon pickle bucket with a hole cut int he bottom works well for lions.

    @Firefly99 (since the comments are showing me as @undefined…)

    Reply
  3. One day, I too hope to tell a friend "Just tell me where to pour and what to light".

    Reply
  4. I work with Sheltopusiks, a kind of legless lizard http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ophisaurus_apodus They are pretty cool animals and ours are generally well behaved. Admittedly they are a bit creepier than snakes.

    I lived in the country when I was kid and our dog kept eating the neighbor's chickens. He told us he'd shoot her if she did it again. We asked the vet what we should do and he said to strap the next thing she killed to her and let it rot. The next thing she killed was a turkey. So we got some rope and strapped this dead turkey to the dog. We couldn't get it to stay on her back, it kept slipping down to her belly and then she could hardly squat to pee. We took pity on her after one day and cut it off. She never went after chickens after that though.

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  5. I dressed up my cat in my doll clothes, a coat and a bonnet a couple of times when I was six. She was a gentle cat, so while she did whine that she didn't like it, the claws stayed in.

    Reply
  6. i once made the mistake of putting frogs, fish and turtles in the same tank

    found out the hard way that frogs eat anything

    including each other, and their own arms

    oddly enough my albino frog was the highlander of that tank, also a masochistic cannibal

    Reply
    • Oh god you just reminded me of when I was in 7th grade science class and I put two hamsters in the same ball. The ball immediately shot off the table on the ground and began to spin around like it was about to take off. When we finally got it open and shook them out there was blood and hamster everywhere. They apparently don't like close quarters.

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    • When my older sister turned ten, my parents bought her an aquarium. She got three each of three types of colorful fish. First the medium-sized ones ate the little ones, then the big ones ate the medium ones, and then two of the big ones ate the third, and one ate part of the other's pectoral fin. After that, they reached some sort of truce, and we checked with the pet store to make sure the next bunch of fish we got wouldn't eat each other or the two left from the first round.

      Reply
  7. I once placed a wild local frog in a tank with a South American tree frog and an anole.
    I looked in just in time to see the tree frog (whom normally clung to the side of the tank and otherwise did nothing at all), jumping OUT of the bigger frog's moth, and then scramble up the side of the tank. The bigger frog jumped a few times in an attempt to recapture it, but then gave up. I netted the frog, now dubbed "Hannibal", and then released him back into the wild.

    Reply
  8. When I was 6, my cat nipped me lightly because I was bothering her or something. It didn't hurt much, but I've been known to hold a grudge. That night, the cat jumped up on my bed and kept sticking her butt in my face, so finally I got fed up and bit her tail. Naturally, she retaliated (much harder than that afternoon), and so my mom sprinted up the stairs at the sound of wailing and was met with the strange explanation that "She bit me back."

    Reply
  9. Not so much me, but one time I was at a zoo that has since closed, and watched a monkey tear a chunk of kid hair off some poor bastard who wandered too close to the bars, and then screeched its mockery and hate to him.

    Moral of the story, monkeys are dicks

    Reply
  10. I hear that it isn't uncommon for Rat owners, but mine were known for sneaking down my shoulder and stealth-drinking beer out of my glass.

    First time that -work…- happened (of cooourse I didn't train them to do that), I figured that there'd be a hangover the morning after. So I left some coffe in a bowl for them. The coffee was gone when I returned.

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    • Had a pet rat in college (wooo! secret dorm pets) that would drink anything she could get her face into. One day I was sprawled on the floor with my roommate having pizza, and the rat walked over to the box, looked me square in the face, and then grabbed a piece of pizza by the crust and started dragging it out of the box. Another day, I noticed that the candy bowl was much emptier than it should have been… pulled the covers off my bed and discovered her golden Werthers HOARD!

      And let me tell you, trying to get your rat to 'play' with your roomie's dwarf Siberian hamster? NOT going to end well…

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      • Lol. So recognizable. Mine would also come when eating, and steal stuff off my plate. Notorious creatures.

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    • My cat lived with my parents a few years ago while I moved around a bit. During that time I got a rat named for the company. When I was able to move my cat back in with me I worried what she (the cat) might do to him. Don't know WHAT I was thinking, because when they finally did meet, he literally chased her out of my bedroom and down the hallway.

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  11. I once took an unrestrained (no carrier, just a leash and a towel) cat to a vet's office and mistakenly used the entrance meant for dogs. When he saw all the dogs, he freaked out, wrenched out of my grasp and dug all his claws into my shoulder and back trying to get away. It was the only time that cat ever drew blood from me.

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  12. Is it just me, or are the Wil plushies in a "soixante neuf" position? :S

    Reply
  13. If there isn't a band named "Violent Chicken Murder" or "Cross-Species Sexy Times" selling songs on iTunes by Christmas, you will all have disappointed me so very much.

    Reply

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