I Guess You Can Have His Guns Now

‘Cuz, Ya know… cold dead hands and such.

An alternate idea for this comic had Joel, Eli and Josh eating “Soylent Green” made with “100% Ground Chuck.” I’ll speak of this no more.

Charlton Heston was certainly a Hollywood icon. He was well known and had a career spanning many decades. Despite that I never thought he was that great of an actor. He just had the one schtick and he pretty much pile drove it into the ground (beneath the planet of the apes). I like to call his acting style “loud and disgusted.” He was always appalled and screaming about what was so appalling to him.

I don’t mean to be (totally) disrespectful, but I always get kind of frustrated when someone dies and all of a sudden they are super-fantastic just because they are dead. They should run around and ask people what they think about you the day BEFORE you die, then use those quotes as your eulogy. If you asked average joe movie goer what he thought of Chuck Heston last week he might reply, “He’s alright. Kind of wacky about guns. That freaks me out a bit. Did you see him on “Bowling for Columbine?” Actually he’s kind of nuts. I dig “Planet of the Apes,” though. In a “its so shitty, it’s great” kind of way.”

Ask AJMG today and I’m sure it will go something like, “How do you condense the life of such a profound thespian into mere words? Is there a word that means “more splendid to behold than the face of God?” Take that word and multiply it times infinity and only then will you begin to approach the magnificence that was Charlton Heston.”

If there is a Heaven and if Chuck is there, I bet it sucks for him that Phil Hartman gets tonnes more tail doing his Heston impression than Heston could ever get actually being Heston.

Godspeed, you damn dirty bastard!

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88 Comments

  5. Charlton Heston was a weird guy, as far as I can tell. As for his acting, I can't say I'm a fan. Joel (I almost wrote "Jowl" heh), I think you hit his "style" spot on – loud and digested.

    I'm also not keen on people changing their views of someone simply because they're dead. Sure, respect that he's passed and whatnot, but don't pretend to have an epiphany along the lines of "He's the finest actor America's ever seen – never forget!" just because he died. Heath Ledger was actually an actor that I liked a lot, so his death was really disappointing, but Heston… not so much.

    • Well, between Ledger and Heston, I'd say this … if Heston kicked off at the height of his career his passing would have generated a far, far different sort of reaction. As it was, he was old and retired and had a pretty good run.

      He should have been cremated, his ashed stuffed into a clay pidgeon and used for shotgun practice by Wayne LaPierre. It would have been a good send-off.

  6. Very well put. Course, this is why Speaker For the Dead and Xenocide were so amazingly brilliant – sure, they might nominally have been about the Buggers and the Piggies, but Card *is* a genius at coming up with believable aliens, but even more than that, he's a genius at coming up with believable *humans*. And the task of speaker, well, it'd be nice if we had people like that in real life sometimes.

    Not the funniest comic you've made, of course – but definitely one of the most insightful (and, yes, funny) comments underneath.

  7. Eh, Clint Eastwood had a better grimace.

    You gotta respect someone who sticks to their guns. Mostly because they have a gun, and you probably shouldn't piss them off by disrespecting them.

  10. Just don't try to take MY gun! Or, you know, I might complain. On the intertron.

    It's kind of funny, the NRA sent me a "temporary membership" card just a day or two before Heston died. They were all, "Here's your temporary membership! Give us money before June and it'll become a REAL membership!" No thanks. I have a handgun, and shooting it is hellaciously fun, but I pretty much can't stand one-issue zealots of any stripe.

  11. Meh, I actually liked Heston; see Khartoum-he does a pretty good job of General Gordon there in my opinion and that's pretty out of his typical Moses/Ben Hur/Guy from Planet of the Apes (forgot 'im). Perhaps I just like him because he came from a time when Hollywood made Historical Epics, and they ain't done any good ones since the '60s (or '70s if you count "A Bridge Too Far") and he was really kind of the last relic from that age.

    Also, anyone see that Scene in Wayne's world with him? I thought that was funny
    http://youtube.com/watch?v=bI6IlXfUdPE

  14. "Digested."

    I think you got that more correct than you meant to.

    I mentioned Phil Hartman in the post. His death was tragic and he was taken well before his time. I remember being extremely upset for days after he died. His WAS an extraordinary talent and e deserved the praise that came before and after his death. My problem is that hollywood gives that treatment to basically EVERYONE that dies.

    When Steve Gutenburg dies he'll get the same BS, so you know its hollow and pointless.

  18. Gonna join the dissent with Tankobite. I've always though Heston was a great actor. Also, POTA is not "so shitty it's good." It's a fucking great film, period. That's not all due to Heston's acting abilities, but it helped.

    I won't say much about the Bowling For Columbine thing… He was severely wronged by Moore there.

    Chuck was tits.

  19. "one-issue zealots" is a great way to put it. I dont support the NRA because they dont really have an agenda. We have the right to have guns, even concealed ones if we meet the criteria. And guns are INCREDIBLY easy to get. No one is trying to take them away. We are just trying to keep them out of the hands of criminals and children (which really has never worked). So whats the point?

  20. See that scene was funny because he was lampooning himself. He was this larger than life caricature of acting. I also thought it was hilarious that he was in the Planet of the Apes remake with Marky Mark. Not saying hes a bad guy or even a TERRIBLE actor. He was fortunate to be in some epic movies in his time, but I dont think he made or broke any of them.

  22. Yeah, it was funny and I really liked the way Mike Myers starts tearing up, but I'm still going to have to go with Farris; especially with Moore filming that scene where Heston's walking away…then shoots to looking at Moore, then back to looking at Heston…without catching either camera so you know he filmed that part after Heston had walked away….not very classy of him.

    He may have been larger then life, but I mean, look at most of his roles…Moses, Ben Hur, Chinese Gordon, El Cid, the guy from the Warlord (only saw a few parts of that movie in history class, which I could have seen more) they all were larger then life heroes or characters. I'm not saying you're saying he was a terrible actor, or even that he was a really good actor; but that I liked him for his roles and I though he did the roles well (don't forget, I'm a John Wayne fan…).

    I also really liked Planet of the Apes; I consider myself a fan of military sci-fi and basically apathetic to any other kind, but when I saw PoTA, I said to myself, "Wow, this is a good movie". I mean, OK, sure there really weren't any special effects, the monkey costumes were pretty lame, and the setting looked very low budget, but still I thought it (the first one anyway) was a good movie.

  25. Yeah, what's the joke with the outfit? I kind of missed that one; it reminded me of the Three Amigos but I'm not sure that works out for the rest of the comic. Or is it just how he dresses?

  30. In the 60's he marched with Martin Luther King and was an outspoken proponent of the Civil Rights Act. So there was a lot more to him then being crazy about guns. He was politically correct in the most unpolitically correct fashion. He had his way of pissing everyone off just by the way he phrased things.

  31. Gah! I need to take a step back. I DO NOT HATE Charlton Heston. The only point (if there even was one) that I was trying to make is that Hollywood goes praise-crazy when one of their own passes away. As far as I know this hasnt even happened yet, concerning Heston. It was just an idea I was throwing out there. I didnt mean to polarize the readers into "Love Chuck" and "Hate Chuck" camps.

    Im sure he was a great guy to those that loved him. Im just drawing silly pictures and making crude jokes. Pay no attention to the man behind the Wacom tablet.

  32. Everyone just magically forgot he was a gun toting asshole.

    Phil Hartman and John Ritter's deaths were tragic. The world is better off without Charlton Heston and Anna Nicole Smith.

  35. Yeah, I kind of guess it might not be completely true that Mexicans traditionally wear Mariachi style outfits to funerals. Does Eli have a 3 Amigos outfit?

    Also, I second the Charlton Heston T-Shirt Idea "He's Shooting Angels Now"

  38. Bravo to you, first for saying what needed to be said about Heston and Smith, and second for showing some love for John Ritter. Talk about a guy who was usually better than the material he was given.

  40. Could it be a subconscious joke that Heston played a Mexican in "Touch of Evil?" Just a thought. And it could gloss over the ethnic stereotype. But what fun would that be?

  41. I'll put my opinion up with Tankobite's. I wasn't what you would call a Heston "fan", but when you need a larger-than-life actor to play a larger-than-life role, then much like John Wayne, he was *usually* the right choice (n.b. – John Wayne =/= Genghis Khan). As for his politics, I am a gun owner, and my home state of NJ makes it VERY difficult for people to legally own firearms, so my opinion of Heston is probably a lot more favorable in that respect that it might be if I lived somewhere that made the NRA less relevant.

    It's going to be challenging to watch Dark Knight – I really want it to be a good movie (just because), I don't want Ledger to fall victim to the "Raul Julia effect", but I also don't want to have to read about how Ledger was the greatest actor to have ever lived, just because he has assumed room temperature.

  43. I liked him as an actor- I think he not only played some pretty epic parts, he pretty much defined them. I also like the fact that he realized that acting was just that… acting. As far as his socio-political stances, he did have a large shift in his later years vs his earlier years- and that seems what he's best known for. But I do like this particular statement he made- "Political correctness is tyranny with manners." 'Cause really, it is.

  44. Aye, tis true. I've interred many a nana in my freshly pressed and polished suit. I even lead the rest of my family in brass and strings-heavy dirge.

    Vaya con Dios, Heston, you crazy gringo.

  45. Personally, anyone who'd willingly have anything to do with a group basically ment to share the joy that is rifle's and all the good things one can do with them, doesn't deserve anything even resembling a nice eulogy.

    But then I'm just a crazy european gun-hating pasifist. Silly me.

  46. Id like to step in and encourage you to agree to disagree. There are places on the internet to fight and call each other out for differing opinions but this isnt one of them.

    Debate all you want. Please do not fight here.

  47. I don't have any problem with guns, although I can't say I particularly cared much for Heston. As for Anna Nicole Smith, well, she's a waste of protein and water if ever there was one.

  48. Which begs the question, which is healthier, Cheeto's or Soylent Green? On the one hand Soylent green is people, and as we've learned with Cows, consuming your own dead can have some nasty repercussions. On the other hand Cheeto's I'm pretty sure are some exotic form of plastic, and probably contain 9 essential carcinogens with a healthy sprinkling of sodium. And on the gripping hand, both are undoubtedly delicious.

  50. Well, the point is more to have some sort of organization to oppose stricter gun laws. As you said, the laws we have now aren't even effective, so having stricter laws isn't going to change anything. Instead we should be looking at how to make the current laws more effective rather than trying to make it "more illegal" for a criminal to have a gun, Unfortunately if their wasn't some sort of opposition group already in existence (even if they don't actually do anything) it would be much easier to herd people into stricter gun laws.

  51. Moore is and always has been a complete dick. I make a point of avoiding anything with his name on it. He may have valid points, but I don't care, I'll hear them from someone who doesn't make a point of pissing off as many people as he can.

  58. I agree with you 100%. Heston had some major issues, and really wasn't a good actor. I hate it how people get this way after someone dies. Let's call a spade a spade. I'm sorry the guy's dead and all, but let's leave the grieving to people who actually cared about him while he was alive and not try to fake it.

    Perhaps I'll be eaten alive for saying this, but I felt the same way when Reagan died. The guy set the precedents that led to depression in the 80's and national debt that we'll never recover from. He advocated draconian justice for petty criminals while allowing illicit dealings and funding of groups that went on to become terrorist organizations to go on under the explicit permission of his own administration. And people were up in arms about how great he was. It's funny how short of a memory we have as a people.

    (braces for impact)

    • I'm a year late, but what the heck, I hate seeing unanswered questions.

      DH, yes, it is blatantly obvious, though I'll admit that I had to go back and reread when I saw it. From just a few lines prior to that acronym showing up:

      "If you asked average joe movie goer what he thought of Chuck Heston last week…"

    • Oh, and now I feel dumb, I didn't see the little arrow to display replies! So, I guess this was already answered. Oh well.

  65. I'm pretty sure you have to use marshmallow guns in heaven. Maaaybe a potato gun.

    Of course, if you take the time and effort (and you have all eternity, so why wouldn't you) you can make a watermelon trebuchet. Little harder to hit angels with, but if you get a group of them and aim right, you can probably take out at least three.

  67. He needs to be in a hammed-up WWI flying ace outfit; goggles pushed up on forehead, cute little leather helmet, flamboyant scarf…

    An astronaut's spacesuit just doesn't look FANCY enough.

  75. You REALLY don't know what happened?

    Wow. So you hate a man based on an event you saw in a Moore film and you don't know WHY the meeting was held or that it was two different meetings edited together? Heston's fucking tie changes color for Christ's sake.

    Seriously, how do you have the internet, talk shit about BFC and Heston, and not know the details of that meeting and Moore's completely false portrayal of it?

    That's…well, it's a shame that you base *any* worldview on what Moore tells you, but even worse that you condemn a patriot and a civil rights activist based on your own ignorance.

  76. Friend of mine used to say that twinkies were the eggs of an alien species. If you left them alone long enough (expiration date on the package) they'd hatch. This clearly makes sense, as everyone knows twinkies are one of the only things that would survive a nuclear holocaust unscathed.

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