Battleship: The Movie, The Game, The Breakfast Cereal

Ever hungry for new (old) intellectual properties to exploit, Universal is now working on taking classic Hasbro board games like Monopoly and Battleship to the big screen. I only foresee positive outcomes. I want these movies greenlit, and rushed into production so I can enjoy them by X-Mas. In fact, I’m so enthusiastic that I’m pitching my own spin on these movies and a few others to the studios later this month:

Monopoly: Matt Damon is an up and coming real estate executive that uncovers a nefarious plot by his firm to destroy all of their competition. Ends with climactic train, car, top hat chase through the Boardwalk.

Uno – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are rival card sharks in Mexico. A tale of sex, action and intrigue. You can cut the sexual tension between them with a single card.

Connect 4 – A family (2 brothers and 2 sisters) separated at birth must cross the country to reunite after their biological mother’s death. In finding each other they find themselves. Sundance 2008. Fox Searchlight will produce. Stars are Philip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hillary Swank. Meryl Streep in the mom in a flashback.

Jenga – Gripping, too-real tale of the heroes, heroines and horrors of 9/11 (you were thinking it too).

Risk – Clint Eastwood directs. Its 14 hours long. Donnie Wahlberg and Ron Livingston star.

Guess Who – Ben Afleck has a list of 40 individuals, some with glasses, some with brown hair, only one of them is the killer. Can he “Guess Who” before they strike again?

Speaking of board games: if you are into them and would like to try something new, check out Cheap Ass Games. They are, well, inexpensive games that generally require you to provide the game pieces, dice, etc. from other games you have around the house.

Personal favorites are:

Kill Dr. Lucky – It’s like Clue in reverse. You must find a room and a weapon and murder the good doctor without anyone seeing)

Captain Park’s Imaginary Polar Expedition – You did not go on a fascinating polar expedition, but you must convince the wealthy elite that you did with tails of daring do and false artifacts.

U.S. Patent Number 1 – Build your time machine, outfit it with weaponry then race your rivals to the patent office, not only to be the first to patent the time machine, but also the first to patent ANYTHING!

My friend, Wes, introduced me to Cheap Ass Games about 7 years ago. They are inventive, imaginative and quite funny. Simpler and cheaper than Halo, they offer a pretty good way to spend an afternoon.

Any other ideas for board game movies? Post yours in the comments.

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  1. I don’t think we’ve actually ever got round to playing it…. I just know we have it.

    We have a hell of a lot of games, actually.

  2. I've never heard of Grandizer but it appears to be a (Sort of) spin off of Mazinger Z or "Tranzor Z" in the states. I was HUGE fan when I was a kid. There was a girl robot that shot her boobs as missiles.

  3. Mille Bornes, starring Gerard Depardieu as a father trying to take his family on a cross-country trip, while enduring such hazards as flat tires, speed limits and red lights. Basically, it's "Vacation" with funny accents.

  4. Wait… I'm looking at the admiral's board and he has hits on C2 through C5. Why did he say B6? Hollywood probably won't catch that either.

    you d00ds rock.

  5. I remember that game pretty well. It was awesome to collect the driving gloves and the non-deflatable tires– Hot diggity, that game was _so_ french, it kills me. It's about speeding and reckless driving FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

  6. Dunno, man, I can slip the treatment into his mailbox next time I go to the store.

    I'd like to see the LucasArts approach on ATMOSFEAR the best interactive board game since EMM.

    Then again…I did see the Indy trailer and was less than impressed.

  7. Too late. Each of your projects have been greenlighted. And in order to avoid paying you anything, they've made a slight alteration to each plot: the addition of an orangutan sidekick.

  8. Actually, he's played by Andy Serkis in a mocap suit. They're just going to matte him in using old paparazzi photos and Jimmy Kimmel videos. If you look closely, you can sometimes spot Calista Flockhart's ribcage, erm, torso hovering beside him.

  9. No. Not at all. Quite the contrary actually. I think they are in a great position to really change the way this space in the market works. I think DisqUS is well poised too, though. ID will have reply-to-email in the very near future. At that point, it'll all be about who does what first. 🙂

  10. In my long list of feature requests, that is one of them. It'd be nice to be able to delete, moderate and otherwise administer comments from each post on my blog as well. That way, however, I manage to get to it I have full control.

    And that "Comment History" page in the Dashboard could use some work. As it is now, since the comments on my blog don't link me there, I have to remember the name of the post I want to administer comments on, and then scroll through the alphabetized list until I find it. Not good.

    (FYI… at the time of this writing, DisqUS allows for both of the things I mentioned. So administration is a bit easier because of it. Of course, that could change tomorrow.)

  11. Hey, what you choose to shove down your pants on your time is your business. Now, I'm just gonna sit over here on this wet cold bologna while I wear my assless chaps and listen to Neil Diamond because, well, that's what gets me goin' in the morning. (Nevermind the fact that it's 11pm.) (I said NEVERMIND.)

  12. And maybe John Malkovich as his superior…

    Sorry, I just realized I broke into the Top 10 commentors and had to do an extra reply to secure my spot there >D

  13. Rounding out the cast:
    * The Gingerbread People – various midgets
    * Gramma Nutt – George's mom from Seinfeld
    * King Kandy – Lawrence Fishburne
    * Jolly – (who the fuck is Jolly)
    * Mama Ginger Tree – The mom from Everybody Love raymond
    * Princess Lolly – Scarlett Johansen
    * Queen Frostine – Tilda Swinton

    I smell Oscar! and CANDY!

  14. Talking like a true PR person for a sec, I think this movie will go over well because of all the fat kids. I mean candyland come on their not only gonna go for the candy but the promise of a land made out of it. GENIOUS!

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