NBC Makes Excellent Business Decisions

Remember Scrooge McDuck’s money bin? It housed not only the whole of his vast riches but also his “Number One Dime.” I imagine Jeff Zucker, President of NBC, has a similar structure for housing NBC’s wealth. I also imagine (nay, assume) that Mr. Zucker backstrokes through gold ingots and bank notes alike, occasionally diving only to resurface and spew priceless coins from his blow hole.

The only reason I can come up with for NBC’s decision to drop iTunes as a distributor for it’s television properties is that the Money Bin in question must be full.

“We simply can’t fit any more money in this fantastic chamber! One more dollar and I won’t be able to use the diamond encrusted high dive! What good is all of this money if I can’t swim through it? What other uses could I possibly find for it? I know I can have sex on it, or WITH it, but that’s not the point. No! Do not empty that wheelbarrow of money in here! Where did that money come from? iTunes sales of popular NBC shows like “The Office” and “Heroes?” Get Steve Jobs on the phone immediately! I’ll put a stop to this!”

The guy talking was Jeff Zucker.

Josh might have been concerned by this news but it turns out that the terms of the deal in no way affect his ability to illegally download NBC shows from BitTorrent. So he’s cool with it.

Building The Brand

I read an article in Wired about the secret lives of Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade. It was eye opening to say the least. Penny Arcade is not a simple two man production whose sole focus is uploading jpegs and cracking wise. Oh no. Gabe and Tycho are merely figure heads that sit loftily atop a monolithic stone edifice overseeing a vast corporate empire. PA is a business. PA is a profit generating, self perpetuating turbine of lewd and lascivious 1’s and 0’s. I say this not to disparage, but to demonstrate my extreme reverence and awe.

Here are the Cliff’s notes:

Gabe and Tycho oversee a staff of 10, including a full time sales staff
PA Generates profits in the multiple (at least 2) millions annually (the writer estimates)
Gabe and Tycho were contemplating day jobs at the height of their initial super stardom due to VASTLY undercharging for advertising. Robert fixed all that.
PAX is now the LARGEST NORTH AMERICAN GAME EXPO. Period.

Read the article. It was good. What a surreal and amazing experience the last few years must have been for those two.

Josh met Jerry and Mike a few years ago when they were working on a promotional piece for a game he and Eli were developing (and for which I did voice work). He said they are extremely cool guys and quite down to earth. I believe it. Their intentions seem to be pure and their motivations just. My one and only confusion stems from the fact that Tycho writes from time to time about not having money for this game or that peripheral… YOUR WEBCOMIC GENERATES OVER 1 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR! Stop fucking with me.

Also, Gabe looks like Freddy Mercury.

Also, Also: On the subject of hoboes, you must download and listen to John Hodgman’s (PC from the Mac commercials and Daily Show correspondant) 700 hobo names. Its fabulous beyond repair. “Boxcar Aldous Huxley” is my favorite. It also features music from the fantastic Jonathan Coulton. When you are done you can visit the site with all 700 hobo names in illustration form.

Less Cylons, More Dick Jokes

Kevin Smith is set to direct an episode of Battlestar Galactica during its forth and final season. This could go either way. On the one hand, he’s obviously a fan so he will probably geek all over the script and try to do it justice. On the other hand we might see Baltar go to a donkey show, or Adama get tricked into having sex with Helen Tigh’s corpse.

The more I think about it the more I question the producers’ motives. Never once have wondered what BSG would be like if the dialog revolved more around “ejaculate” and what one might do with said “ejaculate” when in the presence of, let’s say, your mother.

He’s also doing an episode of Heroes Origins where he’s not only writing and directing but also creating the character. I’ve got some predictions on who is hero will be and what abilities they will have:

Comic book nerd. Born with a wedgie proof ass. No crack.
16 year old boy with super stretchy neck for auto-fellatio
Fat guy with a beard that wears a Batman Suit. No Powers.
Ben Afleck

Special thanks to everyone who voted for HijiNKS Ensue in Joystiq’s Weekend Webcomic Whimmy Wham Wham Wozzle. Look for a new comic on Thursay (and hopefully every Mondy and Thursday from here on out).

Update:

As I’m sure you’ve heard, the Kevin Smith BSG is NOT happening after all. A reader brought to my attention KS’s own take on the subject:

Kevin Says:
September 4th, 2007 at 8:29 am Well, Kevin Smith himself said on his blog that he’s NOT directing any BSG (even though he wanted to). Apparently there was a conflict.

“I get a message that “Battlestar Galactica” producer Ron Moore’s called, so I return the call and he tells me he’s sorry my directing stint on his program’s not gonna happen.”

http://silentbobspeaks.com/?p=346

Bioshockstume!

That title looks like it’s in German. Or Dutch.

I posted last week about how Josh unwittingly gained some internet infamy …interfamy when a picture of him dressed as Kratos from God of War was used in a humorous video game review video for Heavenly Sword. Worse yet, it was linked by Tycho on Penny Arcade’s site. Whether they realize it or not, the whole of the internet has seen Josh in red body paint wielding dual sickle-scythe’s.

The Kratos Halloween costume he crafted was actually pretty impressive. I believe that was the first time he shaved his head, and he hasn’t looked back since. Subsequently, he hasn’t NOT looked like a sexual predator since. He also took down a cyclops in an epic boss-battle. Ok, he actually assaulted a homeless veteran with an eye patch but Eli and I cheered him on all the same. He was so enthusiastic!

I have a feeling that the real version of the Big Daddy costume would involve more Scotch Tape and Reynold’s Wrap than welding torches and 75 year old underwater exploration equipment.

EDIT: There’s a story behind the cardboard Big Daddy. (via Destructoid)

Jurassic Park 4: Freakin’ Dinosaurs with Freakin’ Laser Beams

The pitch meeting goes something like this:

First Guy: How about we strap guns to the dinosaurs heads like in that 80’s cartoon DinoRiders!
Studio Exec. Guy: I love it! Get this man a solid gold prostitute!

Lesson 1: You stupid motherfuckers. Stop reanimating dinosaurs. It always leads to disaster.

After seeing Jurassic Park in middle school, I fully believed in that dinosaurs could be be reborn by having rain forest frogs hump mosquito DNA in a petri dish. But even at that tender age I assumed that the only reason no one was running out to collect frogs and mosquito blood and some Barry White CD’s was that once they succeeded all of their friends and family would get eaten.

Kindly refer back to Lesson 1. That’s the only lesson of that movie. That and to reinforce that when Samuel L. Jackson is NOT the star of the movie he WILL be killed by a dinosaur or a mutant shark or a by a Sith Lord. He will not survive to regale you with tales of how he narrowly escaped the dinosaurs and sharks and such. Wasn’t he in Sphere too?

Anyway, the point is after your Dino-speriments go all haywire and eat everybody on your island once, don’t keep putting them on an island and expecting positive results.

The Lost Word: Jurassic Park (0r JP2 ) started the downward trend for this franchise. Honestly. the Jurassic Park Sega Genesis game was 100 times better than this movie (you could play as the raptor!).

Jurassic Park 3: Raptors develop language. The language of love. And only William H. Macey can teach them to conjugate those verbs… I’ev got nothing… nevermind.

As for the comic, why didn’t I go with DinoRiders? Too obvious. Too easy. Plus Dinosaucers was a much better cartoon with a far superior theme song. You want a perfect scenario? You, your sister and your two teenage douchebag friends are hanging out on a mountain somewhere (probably getting high) and fucking dinosaurs from outer space land in a space ship, deputize you in their secret war, give you magic rings, rad letterman jackets AND hover bikes. Fuck Captain Planet. This is the team I want to join.