Jonathan Coulton: Zombie Fighting Troubadour pt. 1

(Written Wednesday 9/19/07, which was yesterday) 

The Jonathan Coulton show is tonight. This means I don’t have tonight to finish tomorrow’s comic. Well, guess what, you nay-sayers (always nay-saying)? I finished it last night! Lube that up and stick it in your corn-tube. This is unusual for me (the finishing early, not the tube part), since I generally live by a strict code of professional procrastination. If I told the you the exact steps I take to make a comic and what order I did them in, you could easily spot the trends in declining quality as I approach the tasks I complete after 1:00am. (hint: It’s the drawing and the writing).

Imagine that last sentence being read by Stephen Hawking. In that scenario “quality of comic”= entropy and 1:00am = the speed of light. I think that makes me the singularity and my couch the event horizon. The point is, I collapse in on myself and then someone has to reboot the universe (hold power for 5 seconds then press F8 to enter safe mode).

Somehow this turned into an XKCD comic.

Regardless, I’m psyched for the JoCo show and hope to see you there. Special thanks to all of you who have been Stumbling HijiNKS Ensue!

Hyper Realistic Murder Simulators

Wii Fanboy posted a story about a group of parents in New Jersey and their reactions to the news of Nintendo (also referred to by parents as “Intendo”, “Nintenda”, and “That Goddamned Vidya Game”) releasing a military grade weapons training system for the Wii called the Wii Zapper. There are a few facts I should get out of the way:

  1. The Nintendo Wii is ONLY intended for children ages fetus – 4 yrs.
  2. Nintendo uses hypnosis to force parents to buy gun peripherals for their impressionable children against their better judgment.
  3. The Wii Zapper will only be used for games whose sole purpose is shooting defenseless people in the face for no reason other than to watch them die. You can use a 2nd Wiimote to piss on their bodies after robbing them.
  4. The Japanse NEVER got over WWII. Turning our children into killing machines is their ultimate revenge.

Other sites have already gone into sufficient detail debunking this horse crap of a non-story so I won’t bother rehashing their points about parental responsibility, etc, etc. I can only add my own experience to the mix. Like most of you, my first NES game was the bundled double-dong of Super Mario Bros./ Duckhunt. I shot the fuck out of some ducks. Like e’ry day. I was all about it. I graduated to the gigantic motherfucking Dirty Harryesque “Konami Justifier” for Lethal Enforcers on the Genesis. Then it was the Guncon for PSX Time Crisis (the “crisis” in question was that the game cost $65 and the “time” part was the 30 minutes it took to beat it). By the time the XBox came around I was using my analog sticks FPS style, though I did rent House of the Dead and the snot-green gun it employed on occasion. This isn’t even considering the countless flavors of Nazi, robot, futuristic armor-type-guy, and aliens I wasted with a mouse and keyboard.

I played a whole f-ing lot of shooters as a child, preteen, teen, and so forth. Guess what? I don’t even like guns. I haven’t even ever fired a real one. I’ve only been in 3 fist fights and all before 8th grade. Other than outing myself as the world’s biggest pussy just now, I have also proven that video game violence doesn’t equate to real life violence when you are dealing with a relatively well adjusted individual.

If anything the murder-sims have taught me invaluable life lessons. When the zombies rise, or the machines revolt, the remnants of Third Reich harness evil sorcery and imbue it into a reanimated Hitler clone, or any other variety of shits hit the fan I WILL BE READY. New Jersey’s parents will be pissing themselves getting eaten, assimilated, or transmogrified into rodents by Super Hitler while their kids and I are forming a rag tag resistance force and kicking undead cyborg Nazi ass. Unfortunately we will also be shit-talking over networked headsets. It’s shameful but good for team morale.

Bonus Dowload: Hi-res of the final panel with “Magical Unicorn Rainbow Defecator Happy Experience Challenge.”

Westwood College: Tightening Up the Graphics on Level 3 since 1953

1953? That’s impressive. I didn’t know you could tighten up the graphics on punch cards. Why beat this horse corpse when the internet has delivered such a resplendent flogging already? Joystiq just posted an article from Game Career Guide that prompted me to remember how shitty those commercials were.

An anlysis encompassing both the Gen1 (or O.G) Westwood commerical and the Gen2 (with the spinning robot model on the projector).

  • Even if you were developing a game for the PSOne, your don’t program it with the controller. I can’t explain how many different ways that this is just wrong
  • Your boss isn’t a moderately hot chick who needs you to finish programming this game because she needs you to program another one. Again, too many levels of wrong to elaborate on. You don’… you can’t….ugh. It’s pointless.
  • You don’t view the game you are “coding” on a wall sized projector screen.
  • You dont “add the sound effect we used in the last level” with an 8 channel instrument mixing board with some XLR cables plugged into it. They might as well have been “injecting” the sound effects with a turkey baster.
  • And lastly, sing it with me, “There’s no such thing as tightening up the graphics on level 3!” Thats like saying “we just need to reverse entropy, then we’ll be done.”

I don’t mean to rag on the students of Westwood. On the contrary, I feel for them. It seems like they are spending 10’s of thousands of dollars to get set up for disappointment. Real gaming studios don’t take these colleges-in-a-box that seriously. You have a much better shot of landing a game job by learning 3DS Max at home over the summer. Studios are interested in demonstrable skills. Develop some then use them to get a job at the bottom of the ladder (tester). Then work your way up (to pizza-go-getter).

Westwood college’s view of the gaming industry is a lot like seeing the internet through the eyes of Johnny Mnemonic or Hackers. The internet is not “surfed” via interactive 3d cyberscape, nor are games designed in a matter of days with duel-shock controllers in hand. I’m just waiting for a school to offer a degree in being a rock star.

“I can’t believe we got these jobs being rock stars”

“Yeah, my mom said I’d never get anywhere with my guitar and devil-may-care attitude.”

“Oh snapz, it’s the boss”

“Are you guys done recording that hit record? I need you to record another one tomorrow.”

“We’re almost done and we need to tighten up the awsomeness on track 3.”

Update:

In case anyone was wondering who “Final Boss” was; that’s Jeramy. He was/is the Director on a few games that I did voice over work for (oh, also Josh and Eli sort of helped create them, sort of… and Mikey sort of entirely wrote them, and kind of exactly killed my character about 1/3 of the way through the first game…). Jeremy is A boss, of sorts, but I don’t think he is actually Josh and Eli’s boss in any fashion. As Mark and Mikey pointed out, Jeramy is not only A boss, but he is, in fact, The Final Boss. Jeramy FTW!

The $100 iPhone Rebate’s on the Dresser, Chocolate

Uncle Steve is a stone cold pimp. Sure, you’re used to seeing him in black turtle necks and bluejeans, but I assure you his weekend attire consists of a purple and green suede suit, alligator boots (with the pointy toes), a cane with a giant diamond for a handle and a feather in his pimp hat. Imagine Archishop Don “Magic” Juan but whiter and a billionaire.

If he’s “Daddy,” then who’s turning the tricks? You are. I am. Josh certainly is. As I mentioned before, Josh was a day one iPhone adopter (when you can’t conceive, adoption is an honorable alternative). So for being a well behaved be-itch, Daddy will give him a $100 gift card. I hope he uses it to buy cancer.

Now that the price us $200 tastier, I am expecting Santa to leave a pair of iPhones under the tree this year for the wife and I. In return I will leave him a bottle of bourbon and assorted asian and shaving themed pornographies.

This is the plan assuming the 3g 16gb iPhone rumor turns out to be bunk. Either way, I know that as soon as I activate mine Steve will announce a new one with GPS, DVR, video conferencing, no contract, and the ability to grant 3 wishes all for $60. Two months later he’ll drop it to $40, add 2 extra wishes and a 3-way feature (and I don’t mean “calling”).

Reasons I Love Teh Internets: Vol 1

It is a well documented fact that I love the Internet. You may counter, “Well, if you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” Two reasons: A) I’m already married, and 2) judging from its proclivity towards pornography one can assume that the Internet is a dude. Not that I wouldn’t marry the Internet if it were a dude. It’s just that it would be illegal in Texas, and I’m not in the mood for a road trip to Massachusetts. Sidenote: “Homophobia” beat out “Racism” and “Fear” as the official “State Feeling of Texas” this year. “Blinding Rage” was a close second.

The point of this comic was simply to point out a few things that make the Intertron a special place for me. I generally gets my LOL Feline fix from I Can Has Cheezeburger. If you aren’t hip to the Cheeze then you need to stop reading this drivel and hop to it. I’m not kidding, you guys. They have pictures of cats with things on them that the cats DO NOT WANT to be on them. It’s hilarious. Hats, furniture, other cats. You name it, they will put it on a cat and take a picture.

What can I say about Tay Zonday. Tay Zonday, some stay dry and others feel the pain. Tay Zonday, a baby born will die before the sin. Tay Zonday, made me cross the street the other day. Tay Zonday, Josh once accused him of inward singing.

Wikipedia is a treasure like none other. Sometimes I want to know things. Some guy already knew those things and wrote about them in Wikipedia. Those things often have to do with Hobbits and Transformers.

(Yes, that’s Utah Raptor from Dinosaur Comics that General Eli is riding. Good eye!)

Finally, Myspace. Myspace is a fucking piece of shit. It is, by far, the worst thing I have ever used for any reason, in any capacity or circumstance. The UI is non-existent and the features are the opposite of features. To call them “features” would be like calling weeping sores a “feature” of herpes. Check out my Myspace!

The “Vol. 1” in the title eludes to some possibility of a follow up. What Internets should I tackle next?

Bonus: You can download a hi-res version of the Wikipedia panel here.