Not that there’s anything wrong with that

You muggles make me sick. With all your hang ups about who’s gay and who humps house elves and who gets off to watching people drink unicorn blood while being asphyxiated. Just sick. Where a wizard chooses to stick his wand is his own business.

So what if Dumbledore’s gay? He’s not hurting anyone. Well, he’s dead, so he’s really not doing anything. Also he’s fictional.

Speaking of fiction, there ARE victims associated with this outing. The slash fic writers. You can’t very well craft rich and textural homo erotic slash fiction for a character who’s ACTUALLY gay. How is that naughty? Slash where the only men having new and exciting sexual encounters with other men is only worth reading if the pairing are supposed to be straight. You don’t do Willow/ Tara slash. You do Xander/Spike slash or Giles/Jonathan slash. Or maybe even The Master/Andrew/Giles/Uncle Enyos slash. I would even settle for Joyce/Anthropomorphic Ms. Kitty Fantastico/Rat Amy slash. But NEVER actual gay character slash. Gross. That gives me the heebies and makes me want to call my congressman (who is probably gay).

In retrospect, instead of the Dumbledisco, I should have done a comic about Dumbledore in an airport bathroom and the ensuing press coverage.

Matt Lauer: “But, Headmaster, why did you start tapping your toes under the stall?”
Dumbledore: “It’s really very silly, Matt. This has all been blown out of proportion. I was going to proposition the young man in the adjacent stall for anonymous gay sex and that seemed like the best way to get his attention. I had written a note on my shoe that said “I want to have sex with you in a gay way” and I wanted him to notice it. Thus the aforementioned tapping.”

Also, if you want to see that last panel as a desktop let me know. If you want to see it as a shirt, then wait a couple of days. Oh, I’m so not kidding.

Chicken in a bread pan picken’ out dough

Josh had, what I like to call, a moment of clarity when I told him that “Devil Went Down to Georgia was the King Koopa of Guitar Hero 3. A wave of calm came over him. He shed a single, joyful tear and he said softly “I know now what I have to do. I know what you have been preparing me for.” He was talking to his 360. It was like years of training and suffering were about to pay off.

I guess I get it. I suppose if you spent all of your time masturbating and them someone told you there was going to be this big masturbating contest and only the best masturbators could compete you would be pretty happy. Ya’ know, because you’ve nearly ruined your penis with all the masturbating but you’ve gotten really good at it and you want a chance to show the world. Actually, Josh should just sign up for that.

Update:

Just to be clear, Josh does actually put his penis down from time to time in order to fondle a different instrument. He apparently does so which such prowess that he’s wasted his life away right into the top 1% of Guitar Hero 2 360 players world wide.

Congratulate or pity him. It’s all the same.

Moist and Delicious Cake

The world has gone 8 kinds of ape shit for a 3 hour video game called Portal, and it’s citrus flavored container. Josh has scolded me on multiple occasions for not not playing it yet. He doesn’t understand that his simple directive of “JUST PLAY THE GOD DAMN GAME, YOU’LL BE SO FUCKING HAPPY WHEN IT’S OVER! FUCK YOU!” actually translates to “Go buy an Xbox 360 and The Orange Box just so you can play Portal, OR install Windows on your Mac via Bootcamp and procure the game via less-than-legal means JUST TO PLAY PORTAL! FUCK YOU!”

It’s more likely that I would drop $400 on a game system to play one game (I paid $250 for Wii Sports, didn’t I?) than it is that I would ever let a Microsoft OS creep its insidious creepy insidiousness onto my Macbook Pro.

Though I’ve yet to experience Portal’s glory hole game play magnificence, I have fully engrossed myself in Jonathan Coulton’s contribution to the title. Read more about “Still Alive” on JoCo’s site.

Shaun of the Trek

New Trek Reboot casting keeps flying out of the J.J. Abrams camp. Some dude is most likely going to be Kirk while the Incredible Hulk plays some random bad guy. And some chick is Uhura. And some Russian dude is all set to say “Nuclear Wessels.” Those less interesting bits aside, the rest of the crew seems to be fleshing out into some sort of geek/stoner/loser dream team.

I see J.J. (we’re on a first two initial basis. He calls me J.F.) rifling through a pile of DVD’s, comic books, and video games just yelling out names and roles at random while his assistant frantically calls their agents.

“Here’s Futurama Season 2! Let’s get Planet Express Ship to be the Enterprise. See if Sigourney Weaver is available to do the voice. Oooh, call Shigeru Miyamoto and see if Super Nintendo can play Ambassador Sarek! He would be perfect. And I want the Macho Man Randy Savage in a triple tag team with Julius Ceaser and the Planet Mercury to be the red shirts. They all die on the first beam down. Are you getting all of this? This is gold! I lactate geeky hollywood gold. Shelley, are you writing this?”

Thanks to everyone that voted for todays comic topic. I’m sure I will do more of that in the near future. Pegg-Trek won out over Thundercats/Gears of War with 52% of the vote as of this writing.

In the coming week, look for new Apple Insider Comics from your truly, as well and new and exciting developments right here on H.E.

Wiimo

Wii + Emo = Wiimo. Now solve for N.