I keep calling them “Pie Star”

I know this wasn’t a major news story (even within the realm of the internet), but I found it very funny that a whole company, Psystar, sprung up to legitimately sell “hackintosh” computers, The Open Mac/Computer, when the act of doing so violates Apple’s terms of service and is basically illegal. (note: making your own hackintosh isn’t really illegal. Selling them mostly is.)

Engadget has been chronicling the sadness of Psystar (psadness?), even going as far as to call the owner of Psystar to personally understand the shadiness there in.

The reason Steve won’t let other companies develop hardware for OS X to run on, is he wants to control every aspect of the Mac experience. He wants to know that while you are looking at OS X, you are looking at it on a Steve-approved LCD, and typing on Steve-approved keys, etc etc. The existence of the Mac Mini would seem to negate this theory, but I know that’s how he thinks. He at least wants the box housing the motherboard to have Steve-approved prettiness.

What does any of this have to do with 4th grade super hero creations? Nothing. The name “Psystar” just sounds like something me and my best friend in 4th grade, John Kienhoff, would have come up with.

Here are a few other of our grade 4 creations:

Jack Thunder – Spectral detective with a trench coat, giant hat and a Colt .45. Pretty sure he was a ghost.
The Cyber Knights – Knights that were also cyborgs. We couldn’t figure of they were from the future or the past, but they were fun to draw.
Sage – He knew everything… and was also your basic super hero with strength and flight and such.
Stab – A guy that only used knives. I never got around to drawing him, but I always liked the idea. The villain has a huge gun and he takes him down with just knives. Kick ass.
I also made a parody comic called “The Z-Men.” The team included “Cry-Clops,” “Collopsided,” “Night Faller” and “Wormerine.” I’ll let your imagination do the legwork.

Any super hero that a 10 year old dreams up has basically unlimited power, no weaknesses and an impossible anatomy that would make Rob Liefeld look like Michelangelo. Oh, and a cape. Always a cape. I should dig up those drawings (I have them all) and put them in the back of the first HE book.

Any Fancy Bastards out there create equally shitty comic book super heroes as a child?

MACaveli

Alternate Title: “Bob has bitch tats”

The Zune Guy has asked Microsoft for permission to change his name to “Microsoft Zune.” I hope they respond by murdering him with tanks.I know it’s a little late in the game to be hating on the Zune (and a little too easy), but this douchepipe is somehow excited enough about a second rate music player with a patronizing and pathetic marketing campaign that he forever ruined his flesh and is attempting to do the same with his name.

The Zune is the “me too” of the iPod generation. If you have one and love it, great. Hold on to that feeling. It’s not the player I hate. It’s the manufactured cool that they so desperately tried to perfect. M$ tries to force cool with indie kids in the ads, and slogans like “welcome to the social.” Welcome indeed. Seeing people buy the Zune when it first came out and desperately try and find this “social” they had heard so much about reminded me of when I was 9 and I got a Laser Tag set for X-Mas. Only I was the only kid with Laser Tag that I knew and it only came with one gun. So imagine 9 year old me sitting on the floor, weeping and shooting myself in the chest with a Laser Tag gun. “The Social” is exactly that pathetic. More so, since I eventually got a Laser Tag Robot (not kidding at all) that shot back at me. “Here, kid. Have a robot instead of a friend.” Sounds bad, but there’s certainly no Zune robot that lets you trade music with it via wifi when none of your real friends have Zunes. If there was, I’m sure it would be a nice shade of turd brown.

The iPod’s at the time were white and black. White like the smiling face of angels and black like the glassy ocean at midnight. The Zune is the color of your dinner when you see it for the second time. Maybe that’s it. They wanted it to be familiar. Like shit. Everyone shits, so everyone will identify with it. WELCOME TO THE FECAL!

UPDATE (from the comments)

As a device I have NO problem with the Zune. Its the artificial “social” aspect of it that MS tried to force. Apple puts the iPod out there and lets the users make it cool (even if that was their gimmick all along, it was subtle). MS is like, “here’s our MP3 Player, also it makes you cool and have friends and everyone wants one and you should have Zune clubs and make out parties!”

You know MS executives sit around conference tables trying to figure out the formula for “hip.” So far they haven’t cracked the code.

What’s “Taters,” Precious?

“Po-Ta-Toes!”

This is one of those comics that I didn’t have to write, because it just happened. Josh wanted to kill me and be done with it. He said I couldn’t be trusted and there was nothing left but evil in me, but Eli wouldn’t let him do it. Eli had to believe that there was hope for me, because that would mean there may still be hope for him. He recognized that we shared the same burden. We had both been forever changed by The Lord of the Rings Trilogy marathons on TNT HD.

In the end I bit off Josh’s finger when he tried to take the remote and change the channel.

This comic is also a shout out to the listeners of the HijiNKS Ensue Podcast. If you want to be in on all the fun times, download a podcast or subscribe to the feed. Then you will get all the super secret inside jokes.

PODCAST FEEDS:

He’s a Demon on Wheels

Literally. This movie looks like if Lucifer impregnated Las Vegas.

I have no real intention of seeing it. Regardless of sexual deviance, or bent genders, the Wachowski’s are clearly off their collective gourd. The first Matrix was a fluke. It was nearly (if not totally) perfect SciFi in all respects. Since then they’ve… faltered. I don’t count “V” because it wasn’t really their film, any more than “From Dusk Till Dawn” was a Tarantino film. Somehow they eeked out a good screenplay for that movie, but praise be to Robot-Jesus they didn’t direct it. Otherwise V would have been played by a neon digital Keanu and it would have taken place in am underground rave-cave.

I can imagine the Wachowski’s directing style. One is screaming, “LESS ACTING! MORE EFFECTS!!!” while the other is trying on stilletos and taintless chaps.

I watched the Speed Racer cartoons on Mtv when I was in middle school. I always wondered what Speed was actually hoping to achieve. He just seemed to race, and race and race with no real goal in sight. He often said he had to be “the best” but that’s about as vague and “gotta’ catch em all. ” I’m sure he had a complex or two dozen. Pops named the kid “Speed.” That limited his career choices to race car driver or meth addict. I gathered from the show, he was both.

I just realized that the title sequence from the cartoon actually had animated “bullet time” when Speed jumps out of the Mach V. Weird.

I Guess You Can Have His Guns Now

‘Cuz, Ya know… cold dead hands and such.

An alternate idea for this comic had Joel, Eli and Josh eating “Soylent Green” made with “100% Ground Chuck.” I’ll speak of this no more.

Charlton Heston was certainly a Hollywood icon. He was well known and had a career spanning many decades. Despite that I never thought he was that great of an actor. He just had the one schtick and he pretty much pile drove it into the ground (beneath the planet of the apes). I like to call his acting style “loud and disgusted.” He was always appalled and screaming about what was so appalling to him.

I don’t mean to be (totally) disrespectful, but I always get kind of frustrated when someone dies and all of a sudden they are super-fantastic just because they are dead. They should run around and ask people what they think about you the day BEFORE you die, then use those quotes as your eulogy. If you asked average joe movie goer what he thought of Chuck Heston last week he might reply, “He’s alright. Kind of wacky about guns. That freaks me out a bit. Did you see him on “Bowling for Columbine?” Actually he’s kind of nuts. I dig “Planet of the Apes,” though. In a “its so shitty, it’s great” kind of way.”

Ask AJMG today and I’m sure it will go something like, “How do you condense the life of such a profound thespian into mere words? Is there a word that means “more splendid to behold than the face of God?” Take that word and multiply it times infinity and only then will you begin to approach the magnificence that was Charlton Heston.”

If there is a Heaven and if Chuck is there, I bet it sucks for him that Phil Hartman gets tonnes more tail doing his Heston impression than Heston could ever get actually being Heston.

Godspeed, you damn dirty bastard!