Overruled. I’m going to allow this.

I’ll tell you why Wesley Snipes isn’t going to do hard time for dodging millions in past due taxes. He’s half vampire. The Daywalker isn’t going to prison. He’ll snap the necks of every cop, judge, bailiff and guard between him and the cell, and he’ll do it with his feet. You know why? Because he’d still be in cuffs. Badass. At some point he’d use the cuffs to decapitate a stenographer then, with no running start, he’d jump through a 2 feet window 20 feet up and vanish. They’d never find him again… unless he wanted them to. Ya’ know, for vengeance.

An alternate ending to this comic would be a “My Cousin Vinny” moment where Josh explains that Wesley couldn’t be guilty of starring in “Blade: Trinity” because he was getting high in his trailer the whole time, and accusing everyone of being racist. He’d show proof that for 75% of the movie, Blade is portrayed by a stunt double with Snipes’ head CG pasted over his own. True story. Look it up.

I don’t personally think Americans should be required to pay as much of our income to the government as we do. Especially considering how frivolously and on what it is spent. But I do know that if I don’t pay my taxes, there will be consequences. But Wesley Snipes lives in a world (an “underworld”) of swords, fangs and leather body armor. Why should he be subjected to the laws of man?

I really wanted to do a comic where the IRS try and strike an uneasy truce with Snipes to help them hunt down the mutated IRS agent that can unhinge his jaw sideways and who feeds on other IRS agents. Actually you could just watch “Blade 2” and pretend all the vamps are with the IRS. Come to think of it… just watch “Blade 2.”

TV is back, and this time it’s personal

I’d seriously gotten used to spending time with my family, reading and going outside. The last few months have been like one of those dreams where you know that you aren’t YOU, but you just run with it. Now that TV is actually back I can slide back into sloth like a nice warm bath. Last Thursday hit my Tivo like a tonne of bricks. It’s like Tivo used to have this cool manager that let him slack off, surf the web and take 30 minute smoke breaks, then Corporate sent in a ballbust to whip his whole division back into shape.

“Tivo! Why aren’t you recording 30 Rock?!”

“I….I….I was going to….”

“WELL, RECORD IT!? Then clean up this warehouse! There’s old episodes of Good Eats all over the place! Is that Planet Earth over in the corner? They’re not going to watch that again! DELETE IT!”

Speaking of: why didn’t anyone BUT Josh ever tell me how great 30 Rock was? I caught the last two episodes and I am officially hooked. It’s about as close to Arrested Development as I’ve seen on TV since AD’s untimely demise. You see, I can’t just take Josh’s word on things like this. He’s almost always right, but he also watches Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives so it’s hard to trust him. To his credit the list of shows he recommended that I resisted makes for a rather impressive resume: Arrested Development, Battlestar Galactica, and 30 Rock, to name a few. The problem is, he recommends basically everything. It’s like voting for every presidential candidate. You will always, at least partially, win.

(Also, I take back anything I’v ever said about Hulu.com. It has every episode of Arrested D. available at an instant. I leave it playing in the background while I work. They… um…. it’s better than iTunes.)

Other shows that he’s tried unsuccesfully to cram in my TV hole include 24, Grey’s Anatomy, The West Wing, and Serious 30 Rock (Studio something or other). I’m sure those are all good shows but I have to resist falling for them. There are only so many hours in a day and there are comics to be made. Comicareseriousbusiness.

Later he changed the name to “Holodeck”

I’ve gone on record as saying the entire idea of the “Star Trek Utopia” would fall apart the moment the common man had access to a machine that let you fuck any person, living or dead, in any fashion, in any scenario that they desired. The pillars of civilization would break down and society would cease to be.

Think about it. The weirdest, most fucked up, abstract perversion you’ve ever even imagined could be fully realized in seconds without having to get consent from another living human being.

“Computer, please run program Riker 1.”

“Define Parameters.”

“Let’s see. It’s Tuesday, so how about a woman, 1o, no 18 feet tall with the face of Dwight Eisenhower, the body of a 1968 Chevrolet pickup truck…”

“Define Transmission.”

“…manual, and the hind legs of a North American Wildebeest.”

“Define sexual orientation.”

“Put 3 vaginas… 1 meter in diameter, placed randomly on it’s torso. A double headed human male penis on it’s forehead, and instead of eyes, 7 more vaginas… variable diameters and depths.”

“Define location.”

“My seveth grade English classroom. Populate with professional wrestlers in sun dresses urinating into plastic lunch boxes, orangutans with machine guns on trampolines, and 2 middle aged men having a furious argument in Russian. Naked of course”

“Enter when ready.”

Either society would crumble… or all men and women everywhere would be completely happy and fulfilled. The divorce rate would plummet, crime would all but vanish… damn it. THAT’s what brings about the utopia. Everyone is getting their hump on to the fullest possible extent.

Regardless, I made this comic because I’ve been watching “Voyager” reruns late at night. Last night I saw the episodes “Fair Haven” and “Spirit Folk” where Captain Janeway starts dating a hologram that Tom Paris programmed. No one gives her any shit either. They’re all, “so how’s it going with your boyfriend, the application?” Let me make clear that if she were just BONING a hologram (their intended use) I would have no issue with it. No, she falls IN LOVE with it. That’s like me getting romantically involved with my FTP utility and expecting my peers and loved ones to accept it.

“You don’t understand! CyberDuck and I are in love! Isn’t that right, CyberDuck?”

“Open connection, Bookmarks, Quick Connect, Action, Refresh, Edit, Disconnect”

“SEE!? HE LOVES ME!!!”

You’re all bigots. Shame on you.

The next day a Greek inventor named Jockus Strapsimus changed everything

When Joss Whedon gives you a script for a comic book based movie centered on a strong female lead, and you are too stupid to understand what has just happened you no longer deserve the mighty “greenlighting” power that you wield.I remember him blogging about the project when it was originally in the works and the frustration he felt from not being able to please “the suits” was obvious. You could tell he poored his heart into the draft we will never see on screen then winced as he was asked continually to abort it piece by piece. I’m sure, by the end, he was glad to be rid of the project. Now that it’s back on (maybe), they’ll hire some hot-shot hit-maker douche taster to “zazz it up” and give us another Cat Woman.

I was ONLY excited about a Wonder Woman movie when Joss was attached to it. Otherwise I am totally ambivalent to the character. She’s one of those way-too-perfect throwbacks from the primordial comic days that leaves everything to be desired. More so than Superman, in my opinion. Why Batman hangs out with those two, I’ll never know. Neither one of them would know a good “brood” if it bat-a-rang’d them in the face.

I did this comic with the IM chat windows just to get it out of my system. You see, originally THIS (look above) was the idea for HijiNKS Ensue. I would have amusing chat conversations with Josh or Eli, then draw comics based on them. But I actually wanted to show the IM’s. I realized pretty quick that this would be extremely limiting from both an art and writing standpoint, so I modified the formula. Most of the first 50 or so comics were birthed from chat-wombs, but that was as far as it went.

So I figured, “why the eff not?” and made one based on the original (rejected) HE concept, just to say I did.

The Bit Goes on for Like 6 Minutes

Much like the first installment, I expect Hellboy 2 to be fun, but not great (or even great fun). It will be visually pleasing and keep me pretty entertained for 2 hours. I’m not really asking for anything more. I just don’t anticipate LOVING it.

That could change with the addition of Seth MacFarlane to the cast, as Johann Kraus, a disembodied psychic entity who lives in a containment suit.

His voice is like baritone molasses. I would pay him to read stories to me at night. If you haven’t seen him speak in person or on video, his real voice is basically that of Brian the Griffin’s dog. Almost exactly. I would murder people for a voice like that. Much like Maurice LaMarche, I have a voice-crush on Seth MacFarlane.

I’ve always had a weird thing about voices in general. I pay very close attention to a person’s vocal cadence, use of words, speech patterns, etc when they talk. Sometime to the point that I don’t hear what they are saying.

Typically this allows me to impersonate people (usually real people, rather than famous people) with relative ease. If I can’t SOUND like them, I can usually TALK like them. It’s a blessing and a curse. I was watching a rerun of Deep Space 9 late at night. It was a final season episode with Ezri Dax. I hadn’t seen any of these in at least 4 or 5 years, but I immediately noticed that the actress, Nicle DeBoer, had a speech impediment. It was slight. She can’t say an “S” without mashing her tongue against her teeth. Once I noticed it, the episode was shot from there. It didn’t offend me, but I couldn’t help but notice it EVERY time she spoke.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I’m grateful for this…talent(?) because I think it allows me to enjoy a particular actor in a way most people don’t notice.

I think I started doing this as a child when I realized that the same 4 or 5 voice actors were on EVERY cartoon in the 80’s. I didn’t know who they were because there was no internet. Later in life I looked them up and started researching their careers and others.

Other than Maurice, some personal favorites are Rob Paulsen, Billy West, David Warner, Kevin Conroy, Phil LaMar, Keith David, Tres MacNeille and Pamela Segall Adlon. You’ll notice at least half of these people ended up on “Futurama”, making the best best voice acted series in the history or time and space.

Any favorite voice actors? Any weird minutia that you pick up on that most people seem to miss?