Chapters: HijiNKS ENSUE Classic

Do You Like Phil Collins?

Panel 5 is a naked, blood soaked Joel chasing Eli through a high rise with a chainsaw. I’m sure you know how it ends.

My man-crush on one Mr. Christian Bale is well documented. I mean you can’t spell Christian Bale without “Christ.” The man can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. So what if he gets in domestic disturbances with his money grubbing family members and publicly humiliates the D.P. on the set of “Terminator 4“? He was Batman. He was also Bateman. Those two roles alone get him a “get out of pretty much anything free forever” card in my book.

This particular “scandal” is rather interesting. You see, Mr. Bale is very serious about his craft. He chooses his roles very carefully and he takes them very… well, SERIOUSLY. He’s not fucking around. He got down to an emaciated 120 lbs for a movie that no one even saw. He’s dedicated to his art and he’s damn fine at what he does. “The Prestige“? C’mon! That movie was fucking amazing! Anyway, so he’s on the set of “Terminator 4” filming a scene and the D.P. is fiddling with his lights off camera… WHILE THEY’RE FILMING! That’s some amateur bullshit and BatBateBale wasn’t having any of it. He tore the guy a new asshole in front of everyone. You can almost hear him pissing himself on the recording.

The best part? Bale manages to stay in character for most of his rant. His English accent only starts to slip in towards the middle when he really lets lose on the guy. The second best part about the freak out? You can dance to it.

(No, this isn’t REALLY news. I’ve been looking for an excuse to do an American Psycho comic for a long time.)

Do you think Bale went too far? Did the D.P. deserve what he got? Let me know in the comments.

Well, It’s Groundhog Day… Again…

During the “magical date” Josh, carved a giant penis out of a block of ice with a chainsaw. The townsfolk  of Punxsutawney thought it was very romantic. Later they went to  Gobbler’s Knob. It seemed appropriate.

“Groundhog Day” is in my top 5 favorite comedies of all time. If you haven’t seen it and you enjoy things that are both hilarious and wonderful, give it a watch. If you’ve seen it and don’t approve, I’m going to punch you in the face then buy insurance from you. “Ned!? Ned Ryerson!?”

I told Josh the basic idea for this comic and he was eager to help me flesh it out. I also offered him the chance to pick his bed partner. He chose one of our very own Fancy Bastards, Sultmhoor (knitter of the “Fancy Gauntlets“), to get his heart broken by Comic-Josh. He also tried to convince me to draw a panel for every aspect of the “magical date” including the ice-cock. I wanted so badly to obige, but then the comic wouldn’t have seen the light of day until tomorrow.

Speaking of “light” and “seeing things” that furry fucker Punxsutawney Phil has yet again cast his runes and chicken entrails and murmured his ancient groundhog hexes to divine for our weather wizards what the next six weeks’ climate will be. Rodent-based witchcraft is far more accurate than DOPLAR radar.

A Very Particular Set of Skills

I fell in love (actually lust) with “Taken” starring Liam Neeson after the first time I saw the trailer. The calm in Neeson’s voice just sells the character/plot so hard. SO HARD! I didn’t expect an Oscar caliber movie. I expected Liam Neeson to be a fucking bad ass and kill every mother fucker that took his daughter until there were no mother fuckers left to kill.

According to Josh and Eli, that is EXACTLY what you get… in the Rated-R European version of the film. WTF Hollywood? Since when are we cutting out the violence for U.S. movies? I wouldn’t take a kid to see this film even if you replaced all the blood with rainbow unicorn vomit, so what gives? It’s obviously intended for adults.

So once again, H-Wood has forced my hand. I will wait for the Unrated DVD (which I will get from Netflix). So instead of $20 worth of tickets and $20 worth of concessions they’ll get whatever percentage of $8.99/ month Netflix gives them.

I won’t say how Josh and Eli saw the international version, but it rhymes with Bit Torrent.

I don’t know how you guys feel, but for me sometimes a movie like “Taken” is all you need. It has just enough story to keep the action going and a cool-headed badassmith like Liam Neeson to carry it and keep you focused.

QUESTION TIME!
What are your favorite “I’m A Badass and I Must Kill Everyone Until I Am The Last One Standing!!!” (IABIMKEUIATLOS!!! for short) movies?

What other movies have had awesome Eurpean cuts and beefed it on the US release?

Like a Blacksmith, But For Songs

DANCE, MONKEY-BOY, DANCE!

Microsoft spent hundreds of millions of dollars last year to try and undo the damage Apple’s “I’m a Mac/I’m A PC” ad campaign had done to their image. Judging from the infomercial they produced for Microsoft Songsmith (a software that lets you… well, read panel one in the comic) it only took about $500 to negate all of their damage control efforts and solidify their image as the ultimate “we still don’t get it” company.

By “it” I am referring to “cool” not quality. Microsoft products may fit your needs perfectly and that’s just fine. I used them for over a decade before switching to a Mac and the biggest complaint I had was Windows XP Networking and file sharing NEVER working the same way from day to day or machine to machine. Other than that I was able to compute to my hearts desire. To each his own. So, while I am not suggesting that their product is actually inferior to their competition’s, I am asserting that their marketing department is a butthole chewing dumbass factory (literally a factory that manufactures dumbasses that chew on their own buttholes for sustenance). Did you watch the infomercial? Watch it! Seriously. It’s like an exercise in lack of self awareness. Blade Runners actually administer that video as part of the Voight-Kampff test to identify potential replicants. If the subject doesn’t laugh at first, then slowly start to stare in shivering disbelief, they know it’s a synthetic and “retire” it on the spot.

Now, I said MS’s products weren’t ALL inherently inferior… Songsmith certainly is the exception. It is a product that fills no need. I have been to the internet and I promise you there weren’t any kids there clammering for a software that adds 1990’s-esque midi jams to their bittersweet lyrics about ponies and ninjas and such. It’s supply on one side and an absolute vacuum of demand on the other.

Luckily the internet occasionally giveth more than it taketh away. And it hath giveth a plentiful bounty, ten fold… a bunch of mash ups of modern song lyrics backed by Songsmith’s instrumental stylings. They are truly horrifying to behold. UPDATE: Turns out the Songsmith Classics were created by HE reader azz100c. There are more horrors on her blog entertainmentweakly.com/blog.

If This Battlestar’s A-Rockin’

Sometimes he makes her wear an eye patch and call him “The Old Man.”

Isn’t it about time these two frakked? Or do you believe, as I do, that Adama and Roslin have been knocking space boots since New Caprica? Or are you of the opinion, as so many unfortunately are, that you have no idea what this comic is about because you don’t watch Battlestar Galactica (shame on you, bad geek, BAD GEEK!)?

I know ultraspecificSPLODE comics like these are bound to alienate a vast number of you Fancy Bastards, but BSG has nearly run its course and I have to get this stuff out of my system while it’s still relevant.

Even if you don’t know the specifics of the Roslin/Adama relationship dynamic, you can still enjoy the fact that two old people are banging in space. That’s Grade-A Hotness right there. To make it even nastier, the lady involved is bald and dying of cancer (queue the “bow-chicka-wow-wow” music)!  I know, right? If you are too turned on to continue reading this, feel free to stop here and go have some sex.

……….

Did I mention the dude portion of this futuristic elderly sexcapade has a face so leathery and scarred with pock marks, craters, cracks and crevaces that it looks like the Moon and an old couch bad a baby? This pairing is oozing with sexual intercourse appeal… and probably some BenGay.

[Credit goes to Eli for coming up with the de-cornered condom wrappers. That shit is gold.]