Our Buttonless Future

There was some sort of trend at E3 2009 towards getting gamers off their collective ass-flesh. Microsoft debuted it’s full body/no controller Project Natal while Sony offered their magic wand/raver glow stick hybrid dubbed the… well, nothing. They’re just calling it the PS3 motion controller. I’m sure by the time it’s released they’ll be calling it the “Cyber Lance” or “Excitement Bulb” or something.

Not being an active gamer, these products hold little promise for me for future entertainment, but I am quite intrigued by the technology involved. Microsoft has opted to do away with the controller completely (a ballsy yet foolish movie IMO) so that you can swipe furiously at menus, roundhouse kick your gamer tag to log in and scream movie preferences at your TV with all the fervor and zeal of someone who’s been on the phone with a Discover card voice-robot for 45 minutes (I think you said “Cock Shitting Fuck Mouthed Piece of Shit… If that is correct say “Yes” or Press 1). Their tech-demo was impressive but I really don’t see it translating well into an actual living room gaming experience. Although, finale getting to act out a “Hadouken” and having it actually accomplish something other than confused stares from the cats would be pretty sweet.

I think Sony actually came a lot closer to creating something people can actually use to play games. Their “web cam tracks the glowing orb in 3d space” tech makes a lot more sense to me than the Wii’s clumsier set up. Plus, you need buttons. That’s just how it is. Why would anyone think it’s easier to cartwheel across your living room than to hit A or X? Unfortunately, everyone already has an X-Box 360 (I don’t even have one and I HAVE ONE) so their arm flapping, high kicking back injury inducing system will probably prevail (if any of them do).

Oh, and Nintendo (Intenda to you Grandma’s in 1988) made a heart monitor that you ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO CLIP ON YOUR PENIS. Big deal.

Do any of these new control schemes excite you? Would you buy a system you didn’t already have to take adantage of one? Anything else from E3 that got your geek juices flowing? Why am I doing a gaming comic?

UPDATE: Lots of FB E3 09 talk on the Forum

In The Year 2000, In A Galaxy Far Far Away

Short post because today is my birthday: I thought the new Conan-powered Tonight Show was good. Leno is a hack. Jimmy Fallon is terrible. There are a few Conan-specific references in this one that many of you probably won’t identify with. I started watching Conan when I was in middle school when his show was little more than public access with a slightly higher budget. It was frighteningly weird and I loved it. As it got more mainstream I stopped watching but I always got the feeling that Conan O’Brien was “one of us.” He’s just a lanky red-haired geek who happens to have a really high profile job on TV. I wish him the best.

No Fly Zone

[reddit-me]Alternate Title: “Bogey Nights”

[NOTE!: I’m getting the impression that a lot of you think the shirts in the Topatoco Store are the only ones for sale. This is not the case. Check out the HE Store to see everything I have to offer. ]

I saw “Up!” and this was the first thing that came to mind. I have a really hard time NOT imposing real world logic on children’s movies. Pixar makes it so much more difficult since their films are so immaculately produced. While I thoroughly enjoyed the movie (the order goes Nemo, Incredibles, Monsters Inc., WALL-E, Up!, then the rest in no particular order. I’m not a huge Toy Story fan since I haven’t seen it since it came out on VHS), I was incredibly distracted with thoughts of “are the cops looking for this cub scout kid that’s been missing for 3 weeks and who was last seen going into the house of a 70 year old man?” and “why didn’t the house float away while the balloons were under the tarp? Surely the tarp didn’t weigh so much that it was keeping the balloons from lifting a 20 ton house,” and other such quandaries.

After seeing “Up!,” I wondered why Pixar chose to market it as “old guy+balloon-house” when it was really so much more. Granted, I DID go see it based on the limited information provided in the trailers, but at this point I’m going to see anything with a Pixar stamp on it. Is that what they were counting on? Luckily the film delivers at every turn. Visually it was beautiful (did you expect anything less?), the voice acting was top notch, the story moved at a fun pace for adults and children and there were more than a few LOLS and HNNYC’s (Hope No one Notices You’re Crying’s).

!!!FINAL COMMENT CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!

To any BSG fans that have already seen “Up!,” couldn’t you just picture the final episode with Adama and Roslin leaving Lee and Starbuck but instead of heading to a Raptor they are walking towards a house with balloons? I got a very similar vibe from the end of “Up!”. Maybe that was just me.

!!!END SPOILERS!!!

Rebuffed

A “Buffy” Movie without Joss Whedon? I will simply state that I am not in favor of this idea. But, I am self aware enough to admit that I am not an unbiased observer and am probably unable to render an wholly objective opinion on the subject. That is why I will gladly leave it up to you to read through this copious amount of bipartisan material:

…then deliver judgment on the matter in the comments.

Now since I’m not commenting on whether or not it’s a good idea (it’s a fraking terrible idea), I do want to delve into the reasons why this issue has surfaced. The company that owns the film rights to the Buffster (which is NOT Mutant Enemy) is probably represeted by people that A) have eyes B) have wallets and C) desire to fill said wallets with something other than coleslaw… let’s say money. So they can undoubtably see that the nation’s youth is going through a “vampire phase” brought on by the “Twilight” series of books and movies. They think, “Kids like the vampires and we have a vampire property ripe for rebootification!” What they may not realize is that “Twilight” borrows so heavily from “Buffy” that to remake “Buffy” based on the success of “Twilight” is like remaking “Teen Wolf” based on the success of “Teen Wolf Too.” It’s a fucking paradox. Buffy would be its own grandpa! The snake would eat its own tail and eventually shit out its own face! I think my metaphor got a little out of hand, but you get the idea.

Why Do You Cry?

You mean people? I dont’ know. We just cry. You know, when it hurts. Like when McG Makes a movie.

Before you lob your “BUT I TOTALLY LURV’D IT LOL!” bombs at me, I have not yet seen “Terminator: Salvation.” This comic is based on my conversation with Eli on HE Podcast Post Show #55 (Donate to get access to The Vault). His arguments were uncharacteristically sober and went as follows:

It sucks, don’t watch it
It looked like shit
Christian Bale isn’t even the star
All the best scenes are in the trailer

To address his first point, every review I’ve seen so far says the film is generic pop-corn action with little regard for carrying on the Terminator mantle, is poorly executed and sloppily put together. While it is technically “a movie” it is not a “movie you should go see.” This saddens me more than the time I had to have my mother committed because she kept going on and on about “the machines” and “judgment day” and “naked Austrian men in time bubbles.”

He went on the say the film looks like it was shot with a webcam and edited with a hub cap (which can’t even edit video, so that’s saying a lot). I would wager his already building rage colored his view of the cinematic aspects of the film. I bet it looks pretty good, especially when shown in a digital theater or eventually on Blu-Ray. He did say, however, that other than the main FX shots in the trailer most of the CG work was abysmal. I’ll take his word for that. If the film does look like crap, I heard a rumor that they were “done professionally” with their Director of Photography which may have been part of the problem.

I understand Christian Bale was offered the starring role of Marcus, the hybrid Terminator, but wanted to be John Connor instead. It’s probably for the best seeing as how he normally throws himself into his roles. If he can get down to 120 lbs, for “The Machinist“ he might have actually become a cyborg for “Terminator.” Eli thinks this movie will ruin my longstanding man-crush on Christian Bale. Other than my strong belief in robots, this is one of the tenets I hold most dear. The idea of jeopardizing it is more than a little frightening.

I have to give it up to the dude that cut the trailers. They had me Terminator: Salivating for “Terminator Salvation.” I was genuinely giddy to get all up ons this franchise again. If all the best moments are in the trailers, then I guess I got more entertainment than Eli and for $12 less.

Have you seen it? What did you think? I’ll probably wait for DVD at this point. COMMENT WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.