Chapters: HijiNKS ENSUE Classic

Special Delivery

Today is iPhone 3Gs delivery day. I’ve been refreshing FedEx’s tracking page every 45 seconds for 8 hours.

  • Jun 19, 2009 4:18 AM – At dest sort facility – DALLAS, TX
  • Jun 19, 2009 6:58 AM – At local FedEx facility – ADDISON, TX
  • Jun 19, 2009 8:32 AM – On FedEx vehicle for delivery – ADDISON, TX
  • Jun 19, 2009 10:14 AM – Driving around Dallas. Sure is a nice day for a drive
  • Jun 19, 2009 11:57 AM – Still not at your house. Maybe the driver stopped for a sandwich
  • Jun 19, 2009 1:34 PM – Bet you’re getting anxious now. Calm down, dick hole. It’s just a fucking phone.
  • Jun 19, 2009 2:18 PM – Hey! The truck just pulled up to your house!
  • Jun 19, 2009 2:19 PM – Psyche! What a dipshit.
  • Jun 19, 2009 2:25 PM – No, seriously, it’s there. Go look out the window [quick take a picture of his face when he realizes… OHHH! BURN! THAT SHIT WAS PRICELESS! Send that to Fail Blog!]

And so it goes. To update my previous tale of iPhone 3GS ordering woe, Apple actually cancelled one of my orders arbitrarily. I called AT&T since Apple blamed them for the cancellation and they said both Apple and AT-AT AT&T have been randomly cancelling orders with two phones for no reason and there was nothing they could do to fix it. I placed a new order in-store and they claim it will be here in 10 days. Unfortunately both mine and my wife’s old iPhones are alread on eBay destined for new homes. Oh well. There are much worse problems to have. I hear in some parts of the world people don’t even HAVE access to 3g cellular data networks… and also they’re starving.

[this comic might be a two-parter]

Do you have a tale of waiting in line today?

We Got It All On UHF

Ephram? Paw? Sweet Apple IIe of Appalachia, it’s The Technobillies!

Ephram and Paw get their satellite service from a special program provider that caters directly to those of a certain cultural status. It’s 400 channels of reality-game shows hosted by Jeff Foxworthy.

This is a friendly reminder to call your grandma and explain why her “tv box got all snowy” and she “can’t watch Maury and The Wheel“.

I doubt many of you were negatively afftected by the analog Tv shut-off, so how about we just make up other shows that would be on Ephram and Paw’s satellite service?

The Hardware Upgrade Cycle

Hey! It’s Boxcar Pete! You know, the lovable hobo that talks like a pirate? Little known fact about Pete, there’s no eyeball behind his monocle. Some say he isn’t a man at all, but a horde of ravenous rats stacked 6 feet high. Those people are stupid. He’s obviously a stab-happy hobo. Josh must be meeting him in a dark alley way to make arrangements for BCP (yeah, you know me) to wait in line for him on iPhone 3GS launch day.

I bought the original iPhone (2G? I guess that’s what we’re calling it.) a little over a year ago. I got one for my wife for her birthday and another one for myself for her birthday. We’ve really enjoyed the “internet in your hand at all times” aspects of the iPhone but have always been frustrated by the slow speed. I resisted the urge to upgrade to the iPhone 3G since it would raise our bill a bit and we had only had our phones for 6 months when it came out. Now that the iPhone 3GS is coming, the “upgrade bug” is irrisistable. There are a few contributing factors: A) It’s fucking sweet. Have you seen it? Sweet. B) My wife’s iPhone has screen issues that are a giant pain in the ass C) I can actually sell my iPhone and her wonky-screen iPhone on eBay for nearly (if not entirely) enough to buy 2 of the 32Gb iPhones 3GS.

It turned out in our favor that we never upgraded before now because AT&T isn’t extending the promotional pricing to existing 3G owners. They really can’t complain, though. They already got to break an existing contract and get ANOTHER subsidized iPhone. Bitch all you want but there isn’t really an argument to justify, “BUT I REALLY WANT ANOTHER NEW iPHONE AT A PRICE DRASTICALLY BELOW RETAIL!!! WAHHHH!!”

So I ordered the new iPhones from the Apple store yesterday after a bit of confusion regarding how to keep my familytalk plan, and I’ll post our original iPhones for sale on eBay this coming Monday. Hopefully I’ll walk away breaking even and getting a far superior handheld. You guys know I’m super broke-sauce, so I’m REALLY hoping this works out. My desire for a new iPhone and my lack of funds don’t see eye to eye.

I have learned one thing in the last couple of days. NO ONE at Apple has any idea what’s going on right now. I called Apple customer support to find out if I could keep my familytalk plan and I was on hold for an hour and a half. Eventually I got a guy that told me I had to go into an Apple retail store to do what needed to be done. I loaded up the family and went to our local Apple goodsery and I was greeted almost instantly buy 3 or 4 dudes talking over each other, “We don’t know anything about reserving iPhone 3GS’s, they haven’t told us anything, please go away, WE’RE FREAKING THE SHIT OUT!!!”

Dismayed I went home and took my problems to the fine folks of the internet. I got a lot of helpful ideas and suggestions. One of the FB’s even works at Apple Tech Support and emailed to let me know that everyone there is “FREAKING THE SHIT OUT!!!” My buddy Bill, told me I was a stupid asshead for creating this problem as that it was a non-issue. Turns out he was right (and bald! Did I mention he’s horribly bald?). If you just go through the online upgrade process, it eventually tells you that your voice plan is “unchanged.”

I first put two black iPhones 3GS in the cart and it told me I couldn’t have two black ones. So, reluctantly, I removed one and added a white model to the cart. I went through the rest of the checkout and eventually got a notice that said something like “Why are you buying two iPhones at all? What’s  your deal? Are you some kind of asshole? Are you a terrorist? Are you bald?” So I closed the door to my office making sure my wife couldn’t hear me removing “her” phone from the cart and checked out. Then I started over and bought another black one. Simple as that. You absolutely can’t ever never never ever buy two iPhones at once unless you order them about 45 seconds apart. Then you can do whatever you want.

iPhone owning FB’s: Are you upgrading to the 3GS? Why?

Non-iphoning FB’s: Is the new $100 price point on the original 3G going to bring you into the fold?

All Thai’d Up In Bangkok

Alternate Titles: “Thai a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree,” “Babes in Thailand” and… well, anything else with “bang and kok”

In poor tastse? Probably. Too soon? Sure. Whatever.

I stand by my “everything is funny or nothing is” philosophy. If we can’t laugh at death, death wins. Plus, if we can’t laugh at a death that involved being found in a Bangkok hotel room with your neck, hands and genitals bound, then all is lost.

Wizard Pride Shirt

Wizard Pride Shirt

I know there is an ongoing investigation to find out if foul play was involved in David Carradine’s death, but I think it’s pretty clear what happened. The internet has taught me about all the crazy ways people enjoy their own jigglies and what not. Mr. Carradine seems to have traded kung-fu for auto-erotic asphyxiation. He went a little too far and the worst happened.

If you have to tie up your balls to get off, more power too you. If you need a large woman in a Strawberry Shortcake outfit to hold a butane torch dangerously close to your buttox while you furiously masturbate to 1980’s tractor pulls on VHS, I say go for it. Consenting adults should be able to sex each other up however they like as long as no one else is hurt.  But, I think it’s safe to say, regardless of how you abuse your baby-makers, you probably don’t want to die mid-said-abuse and forever be remembered as “that guy that died doing that odd sexual thing to himself with that leaf blower and the water melons.”

If you believe Carradine’s ex-wife, he was a depraved old bastard obsessed with sexual deviance who liked to grope her in public against her wishes. That sounds pretty awful but I don’t know the situation personally so I can’t really make a judgment call. I have to sympathize with the dude if only for the Richard Geeresque tainting of his legacy.

Maybe it was murder. Who knows? Maybe the only hope for survival after  a tall, blond woman all clad in yellow uses the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on you is you restrict the blood flow to your hands, head and balls. Let’s go ahead and pretend that was the case. Ya’ know… out of respect.