The Darkest Dip

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AND GOALS!!!

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me release more eBooks of my comics and
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This is definitely not something I’ve ever done and CERTAINLY NOT something I’ve ever strongly considered doing. Nope. I’m not gross at all. Not even a monster in the slightest. This is the kind of behavior that got Hidden Valley Ranch its name. These are things you keep secret; keep hidden. We do these things in the shadows and then we do not speak of them or make eye contact for a good while afterwards. These are the Days of Depressing Dressing. This is the time of Ruffle-ations. These are crimes for which we shall surely be judged, sentenced, executed and sour cream-ated.

When I market this product (a mixture of 80% ranch dip, 10% chip crumbles and 10% distilled “giving up,”) I plan to call it “CRANCH!” The slogan will be “GOTTA GET DAT CRANCH!” or “DON’T GET BETWEEN ME AND MY CRANCH!” or maybe “DON’T LOOK AT ME! DO NOT LOOK AT ME! TAKE THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE ROOM! I DON’T WANT THEM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS! DON’T WANT THE BOY TO SEE HIS FATHER REDUCED TO THIS! TO SEE ME DEBASE MYSELF IN THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD GO! JUST GO! LEAVE ME! I’VE DONE THIS TO MYSELF! I DESERVE TO BE ALONE! NOW GIMME DAT SWEET CRANCH!”

Look at these Harry Potter Owl Post Earrings, Doctor Who Dalek Earrings and Star Wars Lightsaber Earrings my wife made!

Look at them with your eyes, buy them with your hands and jam them into your ears!

Sleeper Agent

NEW PATREON REWARDS
AND GOALS!!!

Become a Patron now and you can help
me release more eBooks of my comics and
sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics,
an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF
THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST, and MORE!

Check out my Patreon HERE.

This is a horrifically disgusting true story that has happened to me at least twice. The first time, I did the math and it had been several months since I’d eaten popcorn. I was watching the first Hobbit movie (the least horrible of the three horrible Hobbit movies) at home when I originally ate the popcorn, and they were advertising the extended edition of the movie by the time the offending kernel was forcibly dislodged. It was the stuff of nightmares. Being a person is gross.

Look at these Harry Potter Owl Post Earrings, Doctor Who Dalek Earrings and Star Wars Lightsaber Earrings my wife made!

Look at them with your eyes, buy them with your hands and jam them into your ears!

No Child Left Alive

Here’s another redraw/recolor of one of my FANEURYSM strips. The original is here.

NEW PATREON REWARDS
AND GOALS!!!

Become a Patron now and you can help
me release more eBooks of my comics and
sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics,
an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF
THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST, and MORE!

Check out my Patreon HERE.

“Now, I know you’re a little apprehensive about sending your child to Hogwarts, but let me assure that our mortality rate is well within the guidelines for other reputable wizarding schools in Europe and Asia. Mortality rate… yes. The likelihood that your child will die or otherwise be rendered irreparably cursed, hexed or transfigured while in our care. What IS that rate? Like I said, it’s well within the standard… well, it’s… it’s around 30% NOW I know that seems high, but I promise you it is well within… yes, of course. No, I understand. It’s just with every single one of us, teacher and student, adult and child, carrying the power to kill with but a flick of the wrist and a a couple of odd words one has to expect a certain level of… no, I wouldn’t use that word. Well, because MURDER is a very particular word and I believe what happens here is more akin to… well OF COURSE you would bring HIM up. Yes, he was VERY murdered. Yes, horrifically so. Yes, all of the other students saw it. Well, because it happened right here in the great hall during lunch. I don’t know, I suppose he wanted to make an example of the little… yes, I’ve heard that about American wizarding schools as well. Honestly I don’t see how they could be teaching proper magic if THAT many children survive each year.”

If you like Harry Potter, you might like the podcast I do with my 8 year old daughter called Potter And Daughter. We recap each book about 6 chapters at a time as she reads through the series. Right now we’re in the middle of book five. It’s cute.

Every Phone Call With Your Mom

I have completely retooled my Patreon rewards and goals! Become a Patron now and you can help me release more eBooks of my comics and sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics, an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST, and MORE! Read the details HERE or just check out my Patreon HERE.

This comic is only SLIGHTLY embellished from completely true events that may or may not have happened, but almost entirely and certainly DID happen to me. If Facebook is the place you go to find out what your friends’ wives’ coworkers think of politics, Mom’s phone calls are where you go to find out who, among the people you don’t know, is now dead.

I think this would be funnier if your parents had dementia and were also comic book fans. Then they’d call you to let you know that the nice billionaire bachelor up on the hill has lost yet another ward under mysterious circumstances. Your mom just hopes he settles down and finds a nice woman. Your mom doesn’t know that he is already in a committed relationship… WITH VENGEANCE

The thing in the alt-text is a true thing that was a part

Bored On Baby

About 50,000 people saw my last comic on Facebook. That’s weird. If you haven’t liked the Sharksplode page on Facebook yet, it’s HERE. It calls to you. Go to it. Be with it.

I made this comic under the assumption that all parents feel this way as their kids get older and less cute, but maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m some sort of cruel sociopath that values humor/entertainment value over substance. NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! No way. I’m great.

When my kid was younger, there were certain things she said and did that, while SUPER incorrect, were SUPER cute. These are the things we NEVER corrected her on. Calling snacks “Owms” because of the sound we’d make when we’d try to convince her something tasted good? NEVER CORRECTED. Sitting on the toilet backwards and putting the shower curtain around herself for privacy? NEVER CORRECTED. Pronouncing her last name as “Want Some” instead of “Watson”? NEVER EVER CORRECTED. When things are that cute, no matter how wrong they are, you leave them be. You let them run their natural course.

There’s something about babies that makes your brain go bananabonks. Maybe it’s the psychological effect of being ultimately validated, needed and essentially worshipped as the end-all be-all by this little, squishy bundle of poops. Or maybe it’s an evolutionary holdover that just releases a butt-cram of endorphins when you whiff that new baby smell. Something designed to make sure cave-mom and cave-dad didn’t just put the cave-baby down in the woods and walk away forever when it made too much noise.

I firmly believe this is one of the main reasons people have multiple kids. Many parents miss the validation or the newness or the warm fuzzy lizard brain good-time feels and just go, “Hey! Let’s make a new one! Then, when that one stops being tiny and helpless, we’ll make AN EVER NEWER ONE!!!” And thus, Humanity crumbled beneath the weight of 7 billion bodies, birthed simply so someone else could smell a fontanelle.

SHARKSPLODERS: What dumb and wrong things do you kids do/did YOU do as a kid that was left uncorrected for entertainment value?