The Darkest Dip

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ThisĀ is definitely not something I’ve ever done and CERTAINLY NOT something I’ve ever strongly considered doing. Nope. I’m not gross at all. Not even a monster in the slightest. This is the kind of behavior that got Hidden Valley Ranch its name. These are things you keep secret; keep hidden. We do these things in the shadows and then we do not speak of them or make eye contact for a good while afterwards. These are the Days of Depressing Dressing. This is the time of Ruffle-ations. These are crimes for which we shall surely be judged, sentenced, executed and sour cream-ated.

When I market this product (a mixture of 80% ranch dip, 10% chip crumbles and 10% distilled “giving up,”) I plan to call it “CRANCH!” The slogan will be “GOTTA GET DAT CRANCH!” or “DON’T GET BETWEEN ME AND MY CRANCH!” or maybe “DON’T LOOK AT ME! DO NOT LOOK AT ME! TAKE THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE ROOM! I DON’T WANT THEM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS! DON’T WANT THE BOY TO SEE HIS FATHER REDUCED TO THIS! TO SEE ME DEBASE MYSELF IN THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD GO! JUST GO! LEAVE ME! I’VE DONE THIS TO MYSELF! I DESERVE TO BE ALONE! NOW GIMME DAT SWEET CRANCH!”

Look at these Harry Potter Owl Post Earrings, Doctor Who Dalek Earrings and Star Wars Lightsaber Earrings my wife made!

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0 Comments

  1. The dusty crumbles at the bottom of the bag are a perfect concentration of salty chip-flavory goodness. They’re often the best part of the whole bag. To dilute them with dip is akin to putting ketchup on a steak.

  2. I’m disappointed that you didn’t keep the original label on the jar: Tub o’ Ranch. Or Tubbo Ranch, the fat farm for disgusting people.

  3. One can pretend to be civilized by dumping the crumbs INTO the tub of dip, and using a spoon to consume the salt equivalent of ice-cream….

  4. What the hell ass.

    By the way, as a long-time lover of HE in its most recent incarnation, I just want to say I appreciate you taking time to end it right, even if it torments me to wait. It would probably be easier to just throw something together, and I have mad respect for you caring enough to always give us your best. I am very excited to see how you will wrap things up, and am so happy you are just shifting sites and not leaving us.

    Never leave.

    That news post was fucking terrifying, though. BTW.

  5. I’ve never actually experienced this because I don’t use dip with chips. I am in the land of pinch the bag and pour the end of the bag into my mouth and enjoy that deliciousness.

  6. Unfortunately, I prefer a higher chip-to-dip ratio- like I could do three bags on one dip tub- so I would never do this, but I can sympathize. Those crumbs. They taunt me, too. Sometimes I have the foresight to save a chip, dump the crumbs in, and scoop it up with the last chip.

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