Missing Movie Scenes: The Fifth Element

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If you’ve never seen The Fifth Element, then this comic doesn’t make any sense. A) Fix your problem and treat yourself to one of the most unique and definitive films of the Sci-Fi/action drama and 2) Come back and read this comic again so we can all be on the same page.

Corbin Dallas is initially surprised when The Diva tells him to pull a bunch of Universe saving rocks out of her guts, but there’s too much else going on at the time for him to stop and wonder just how they got in there in the first place. He’s pretty gung-ho about his mission, so the second he realizes what she’s getting at, he’s two elbows deep in her gooey blueness, ripping out kilos of magical sandstone like there’s no tomorrow (because it is very likely there will not be one. A tomorrow that is.).

I see the stones getting in there one of a few different ways. There’s the method illustrated above, where The Diva Plava Laguna eats them like a bowl full of Grapenuts (though I expect they’d be slightly easier to actually get down than Grapenuts). Then there’s my second theory, where upon she’s running to the gate, just about to miss her space plane to Floston Paradise, she tosses her bag up on the scale and… and… FUCK! 52lbs! Her carry-on is already packed to the brim with head-tendril moisturizing jelly, so there’s only one option. She has to HOMF them down, right then and there. The slight variation to this theory involves a Space TSA agent telling her, “Can’t you read? No firearms, no liquids over 4 ounces and NO MAGIC STONES. You’re going to have to finish those here, if you want to go through security.” I call this the “forgot I had a bottle of water in my backpack” theory.

Maybe The Diva’s species are like crocodiles, and they already swallow stones to aid in digestion. Or maybe they’re like those elephants that eat river clay to gain much needed minerals that aren’t found in their natural diet. Or maybe The Diva is just a dirty ol’ rock eatin’ nasty freak.

Think Only Tree

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Here’s another resurrected and recolored FANEURYSM comic. As I explained here, there are a few FANEURYSM comics that I don’t want to allow to slip into the void of the Internet’s hazy memory, and that fit in nicely with the aesthetic of Sharkzpode. You can see the original, much smaller, and much more orange version HERE.

Unassembled

Here’s another resurrected and recolored FANEURYSM comic. As I explained here, there are a few FANEURYSM comics that I don’t want to allow to slip into the void of the Internet’s hazy memory, and that fit in nicely with the aesthetic of Sharkzpode. You can see the original version HERE.

Of course all of this changes in Captain America: Civil War in which EACH AND EVERY character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will be making an appearance. If the movie is two and a half hours, I bet there’s 40 minutes just taking role call.

Sharksploders: Which lesser know Marvel character deserves their own solo movie and why?

Ripping My Insides Out

Pixar are at their best when they’re reminding you of the frailty of the human condition. Sometimes I think they’re bold for having the guts to tell honest and often deeply sad stories in a way that has one level of significance to a child and a whole different level to an adult. Other times I think they are fucking our emotions for money.

I saw Inside Out this weekend. Ironically enough, the film is about this very subject. It’s about the idea that you can’t really be happy if you never allow yourself to be sad. It’s also about Pixar’s two other favorite ideas: Your kids are going to grow up and leave you, and then you’re going to die. Whether they’re tugging on our collective heart strings to bilk us out of billions or not, they ARE presenting very adult ideas in a format that is typically reserved for children’s entertainment and they’re doing it extremely well. This isn’t to say they’re exposing children to concepts that should be hidden from them. Far from it. I think it’s good for children to have realistic expectations of loss, and death and the concept of people and the world around them constantly changing. They do… it’s just that they SEEM to lean on this mechanism A LOT. I don’t even know if I want them to stop. I honestly don’t know if I thought Inside Out was a great movie. I enjoyed it, but I’d have to see it again (and like ALL Pixar movies, I will be seeing it again and again and again) before I know how I really feel about it. That’s ALSO a theme of the movie. Feeling more than one way about something, that is. This was a new concept to my Kiddo. For those that have seen the movie already, I explained to Kiddo that she’s probably still in the “single color memories” stage of her life, and she had a few more years before the “colors started to swirl.”

SHARKSPLODERS: Rank the Pixar films using any criteria you like. Entertainment value, cultural significance, number of times you’ve seen them, etc.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

Joel and Ethan Cohen? More like Joel and Ethan Goin’… To Put Me To Sleep! FROM BOREDOM! WITH ALL THEIR SMART WORDS! AM I RIGHT!? LADIES?! FELLAS?!

[It’s secretly June 18, 2015, and I am back from a short vacation with my family. We went to a water park and also a cave. Both were wet. Also I nearly sliced off my left thumb the day we left, so doing… things, anything really has been pretty difficult. I’ve never seen that much of my own blood and/or finger meats. It was an ordeal to say the least. Getting caught up on comics for this week now that I have mostly regained use of my thumb and have relocated to my home where there is reliable comic-making technology and Internet service.]

SHARKSPLODERS: What movie dialog cliches are you sick of hearing? They can also be dialog+action cliches like, “I’m not going, there’s no way you can get me on that plane, I’ll never go!” *cut to that dude totally on the plane.