This would make baby Jesus cry

The terrifying visions depicted in today’s comic are not the fevered dreams of madmen. No, friends, they are all too real. There is a entity on this earth that encourages you to bestow upon it offerings of discarded man-child hair which they will in turn, for a nominal fee, fashion into the very scalp of our diminutive infant baby lord and savior. I have seen it with mine own eyes.
I was watching How It’s Made on Discovery Science Channel and learned of this Canadian company that will take your child’s hair and cram it into a wax baby Jesus’s head area. It’s not the worst thing anyone’s ever done with a baby Jesus, but the whole ordeal was terrifying, none the less. The end results was some sort of glassy-eyed garden gnome Christ-effigy/ voodoo doll (not GooGoo Doll). There is a step towards the end of the assembly process where a worker heats up a knife and burns out the tiny Christ’s eyes.

The most depressing part is that someone goes to work EVERY DAY and makes these things.

“A Play”

Man on Street with hat: “I’m an investment banker. I drive a car and wear a hat. How do you spend your days, fine fellow?”

Wax Jesus Craftsman: “I perform hair transplants on monstrous abominations made to resemble the smallest 3rd of the Holy Trinity. Once the gentle babe is properly coiffed, and clothed, I produce my rapier. I hold my blade steady over a constant flame. Once it is glowing with searing heat I plunge the sharp steel into the wax baby’s eyeballs. Blinded but still breathing and aware of it’s surroundings, I can now install two perfect glass beads into its orbital sockets completing the transformation. Why do you ask?”

fin

Also, wax baby Jesus, is not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus.

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9 Comments

  1. Do you think that the Good Guys company will take over and make an assembly line version of this Just For Men Jesus?

    I wonder if he’d sound like GrĂ­ma Wormtongue or Charles Lee Ray…

  2. I was so intensely confused by this until I googled “Good Guys” and realized it was a retail chain that we dont have in texas. Now I know, and knowing is 11/32nds of the battle.

  3. Sorry for the inhumanely vague reference. Good Guys was the company that produced the line of dolls in the Child’s Play movies. Brad Dourif voiced Chucky, so I figured if Good Guys had an assembly line factory a la Child’s Play 2 and made these Jesus dolls, they would sound like Brad Dourif.

    Really though, this was just a way for me to use the phrase “Just For Men Jesus”

  4. @Matthew

    OHMYGOD

    I feel like such a tool. I knew Chucky was a “Good Guy Doll” but totally zoned on the reference. Ive actually seen 3 way more than 1 or 2 and let me tell you, it was a turd on toast. This is the army one where he keeps asking the black kid to play “hide the soul.” The plus side is he dies when a fan blade puree’s him.

    Now im off to stick a knife blade in the stub of my severed hand because that just makes sense.

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