The Bovine Comedy

Preorder HijiNKS ENSUE Book 2!!!IMPORTANT HE BOOK 2 UPDATE: There are less than 25 Ultimate Fancy Editions of the book left and the files must be fully proofed and turned into the printer by Sunday 1/30/2011 or I will not have the book in time for my first conventions of the year. Once those last UFE’s are sold I will have covered 100% of the printing costs + enough to purchase shipping supplies, pay for shipping for all books (regular + UFE’s), and cover the costs of the prints, stickers and buttons for the UFE’s. Please help me make this thing a success. I am positive there are at least 25 of you Fancy Bastards out there that can help out.

BOOK 2 PROOFREADERS UPDATE: I received WAY MORE responses than I expected. I will select 3 of you (probably the ones with professional experience) and email you a PDF of the book (hopefully) before this weekend. THANKS!

True story: Josh once sold me a guitar for a Taco Bell taco. It was maybe the 3rd time I’d ever been to his apartment (circa 2001) and I was only there as a friend of a mutual friend. I showed up with my own dinner and revealed that the taco lady had given me a couple of extra tacos. Josh looked around his home, picked out the first thing that mattered less to him than the satisfaction of eating a taco at that exact moment (a crappy Jasmine acoustic guitar that was worth about $90) and offered it to me in trade. I probably would have just given it to him, but I distinctly remember him leading with “HERE! TAKE THIS GUITAR! YOU PLAY RIGHT? TAKE IT AND GIVE ME THAT TACO FOOD!” I kept that guitar until last year when one of machine heads broke and I decided to get rid of it via the Craig List.

Considering our friendship was essentially founded on “Meat Like Beef Substitute” served in a corn tortilla shell, I was sad to learn via Twitter that Josh IRL has lost his taste for The Bell. Something about it “making his stomach throw up into his intestines” is less appealing now than it was when we were younger men. I’m not sure a world where Josh hates Taco Bell is a world I want to live in.

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  1. The only disappointing part of this news is that I know now that I haven't, in fact, been eating a mixture of horse meat and canned rations from WWII.

    Also, I think "Beaf" suits the chart better than the correct spelling.

      • I still think it has the texture of some of Deedo's old WWII uniform patches and his kit bag from the Battle of the Bulge…that kinda leathery/grit, but with paprika and other seasonings added in.
        Oh, and the tears of organic farmers and heart surgeon's vacation planners. That too.

  2. Best comic in a long while!!!!! Laughed so hard I choked. I even read it out loud to hubby who also laughed so hard he choked.

  3. "Lawsuit Claims Taco Bell’s Meat Isn’t All Beef"

    Well no shit. I'm just glad to find out the composition of the "beef" leans more towards fillers and binders than a list of stuff I'm likely to find on a Superfund cleanup site.

    • The counter-suit claims that they didn't actually lie when they called it "beef", and the foodstuffs they sell as "Mexican-inspired", wth that means.

      • Mexican-inspired? I imagine that's when you're sitting on a toilet in Oaxaca sweating and crying while trying to birth what feels like a river of molten lava from your nethers, wondering to yourself, "Hmmm, how can I re-create this feeling back home but at a reasonable price point and minimum amount of effort?"

        And voilà, you have Taco Bell's origins.

  4. So THAT'S where the sentience cut is! That's good to know, as it is the most delicious part of any animal. Anything I eat has to be aware that I am eating it, otherwise what's the point?

    Also, I thought the other non-pun-related chemicals were just thrown in there for good measure. I was shocked to find out those were actual ingredients in the taco "meat".

  5. Am I the only one who kept reading "Anti-dusting agent" as "Anti-disgusting Agent"?
    Read it that way multiple times… and kept thinking, if I know that's an ingredient, why am I eating it?
    Or, what kind of cook looks for an anti-disgusting agent instead of just saying "I quit cooking your non-food."

    But it's good to know Taco Bell is feeding me gummy bears and sentience. I think the sentience in the food is the only thing qualifying most Taco Bell employees to work there.

  6. Did nobody already know this? Why did they think that you could get a Taco Bell burrito for 89 cents, yet at a restaurant, it costs at least $7.99? Also, why would straight-up "ground beef" have 3 grams of carbs per taco?

  7. I have to say, Taco Bell is a guilty pleasure of mine.

    Sure it's not good for me but everything in moderation, including Tacow(tm) meat-like-product 🙂

    • I wonder if the camel meat is actually more healthy than the rest of the extruded meat-like flavor paste, and someone in Accounting is going to insist that they take it out to save $.00001 pennies on the dollar.

  8. We have no Taco Bell in Australia. I'm now not sure whether that's a good thing or not.

    DEMOLITION MAN's line about "All restaurants being Taco Bell" was changed to "Pizza Hut" here. The more you know!

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