When you look at the list of celebrities the Queen of England has chosen to bestow the honour of Knighthood on, you either get the impression that she’s a “Gotta Catch ‘Em All!” type collector of geek pop culture figureheads, or she is planning the most amazing party of all time. Of the few I mention in panel two (above) you actually get more than twice the Knightly value for your Queenly dollar (or pound). You pay for Bond, Gandalf, Saruman, Alfred and the good Captain of the Enterprise D/E, and you get Henry Jones Sr., Magneto the master of magnetism, a Sith Lord, Austin Powers’ dad and Professor X for free!
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As far as party entertainment goes you’ve got your all star band featuring a be-Donald-Duck-suited Elton John, Paul “The Walrus” “The Paulrus” McCartney, Brian May the noted astrophysicist who also happens to be the guitar god from Queen, some guy named Boner… Bonner… Bono (whatever, I’ve never heard of him) and at least a couple of guys from either The Who or Pink Floyd or BOTH who probably aren’t dead yet. She might not be planning a party. She might be planning the end of the world.
I also find it highly suspect that she picks her knew Knights on her birthday. It reminds me of Francis from PeeWee’s Big Adventure. Like she walks up to a noted entertainer’s manager and says “I will have this one for my collection. Wrap him up and deliver him to the palace with bow on his head and a dusting a baby powder on his nethers.”
Hell, even Steven Spielberg‘s an honorary Knight (you can’t go full armor and chain-male if you weren’t born in Britain). Maybe she wants him to document “The Final Party” for… well, I guess no one would be left. Maybe for whoever cleans up the mess. Let’s say the French.
Considering the general level of geekery at The Round Table, it gets even weirder when you look at the lower honours like Commander and Officer. She’s got Serenity‘s Operative Chiwetel Ejiofor, Liam “I play a Jedi or a bad ass in every movie” Neeson, Michael Palin and J.R.R. Tolkien. Is the Queen a closet nerd? Is she wearing out VHS tapes of old Python sketches, and reading “The Return Of The King” while listening to “Bicycle Race” on 45?
Whatever her grand scheme is I think she is overlooking two valuable additions to her roster of Britain’s finest. Christian Bale and Daniel Day-Lewis. I don’t think I owe an explanation for either of those other than to mask my geek boner with a text book or a jacket. My man-crushes on these man-men are the man-crushes of humanity. Perhaps she is saving them for her final two Knight… holes… slots? Her final Knight slots. Once all holes… slots are filled, the moon will crack to reveal its hollow core which contains an orbital disco ball only slight smaller than the moon itself. The sun’s rays will hit its hundreds of thousands of tiny mirrors and the people of earth will dance as the super intense reflected light rays render our gyrating booties to naught but smoldering ash. I hope she serves scones.