Fully Functional

You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown
The Doctor Is In T-Shirt, Funny Doctor Who Parody Shirt, Charlie Brown, Sci-Fi

I’m not saying I fucked your washing machine. I’m just implying that in about 9 months there might be a litter of baby appliances running around your kitchen that look a lot like a cross between me and your Kenmore Elite Front Load. 

I have been known to covet a gadget or two in my day. I’ve even continued those covetous feelings AFTER already owning a gadget. The experience could be described as “gadget lust,” but I have never considered actually having intercourse with my iPad. Ok, I have never actually taken practical steps toward fucking my iPad. I guess there’s a distinction that needs to be made between figuring out the mechanics of an act in your head and actually going to Home Depot to purchase materials.

As panel 1 above suggests, I really think the fuckable iPad marks a significant moment in human history. We’ll likely start measuring recorded history in B.C., A.D. and A.F.i. (After Fuckable iPad). The only question is whether we will say “I can’t imagine how terrible life must have been pre-A.F.i.” or “Remember pre-A.F.i. when roving gangs of cyber-wolves didn’t patrol the streets of the burned cities in their decapitanks? Remember clean water? Remember the sun? Remember OH SHIT LOOK OUT IT’S CHIEF CYBER-WOLF, VICEROY STEELPAW!”

Maybe it won’t be all that severe. Maybe fuckable iPads will just be the next “checking email while jogging” or “texting while driving” or “breaking while entering.” Regardless, I am going to start investing in companies that sell close up videos of the tops of peoples’ heads bobbing up and down. Mark my word. It’s going to be the next Hula Hoop. You know? For kids.

COMMENTERS: Fuckable iPads: What a person does in their own home without harming or victimizing anyone else is their own business, or ruination of the species? Is it harmless fun or a slippery slope to shoving laptops up our asses? That slope would have to be PRETTY slippery.

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42 Comments

  1. Oh shit son, it just hit me. We're on the way to the future of Robocop.

    Fleshlight iPad + App Store = "I'd buy that for a dollar!" "…and then fuck it. You know. For a dollar."

    • Yeah, inflation and all that – used to be just a nickle.
      [ if you don't know where that came from, don't worry… or should you?]

  2. Yeah, this is some next level David Cronenberg shit right here. "ALL HAIL TO THE NEW FLESH!".
    Seriously, rewatch "Videodrome". You'll see what I'm talking about.

  3. If theres one thing Ive learned in my life, its that if there’s even something RESEMBLING a hole in something, people will try to put their dicks in it.

  4. I’m perfectly fine doing what gets you off, but if I knew any of my friends were watching porn in portrait mode I would probably slam their dicks under a toilet seat lid until that was the only way they could ever get off. We’re MASTURBATING, not effing BARBARIANS.

  5. It is the perfect compliment to the Kindle Dildo.

    Although… No vacuum cleaner attachment? What kind of scam are they trying to pull here?

    • I think there's a special Fleshlight cleaner fluid, which is not the fluid that usually goes into them.

      I can just see in 2 or so years a factory or 6 of Chinese workers having to work 14 hour days putting these FleshiPads together for $.50 an hour.
      The women in the testing room would be very grumpy indeed.

  6. Oohhh I could watch an episode of Cops and pretend the cops are trying to run away from my dick, but it'll get them…you know…. in the end.

  7. Totally planning on dropping Viceroy Steelpaw next time I need to make a reservation or takeaway order. The people at Jimmy John's will be even more confused by my household than usual.

  8. I misread the first panel and was wondering how a flAshlight led to this discussion of fucking things. I was ready to make the joke "What's the flashlight for? To find the iPad that's not in its case."

    *sigh* thrown off by things that are not part of my daily vocabulary.
    And if you're fucking your iPad, how is the porn going to help? Don't you then need a second iPad to watch porn on?

    And this makes Conan's "watch every device" commercial even more freaky, thinking those devices can all be fucked now, while Conan's wearing them. *shudders*

  9. I would like to point out that women (and some men who like vibrations) have been fucking some form of machine since the 1800s. This is just the first time you can tweet with your sex toy.

  10. It looks as though everyone is addressing the potential markets and pondering apps to cater to it, but is anyone considering the implications? The iPad is a device that is distinct in that it evaluates, records and responds to the type of forces acting upon it. And for how long.

    That's telemetry. Telemetry that has a wireless connection.

    iPad doesn't record whether or not you had an off night of desperate, drunken fumbling. iPad doesn't care that you are lovingly devoted in your attentions.

    iPad only does the math.

    Geez, everyone freaks out when Google decides to share its user info. Imagine the new potential databases that Anonymous could decide to mine.

  11. Are they insinuating that only men have the desire to get off while using their iPad? As a woman who loves internet porn, I'm outraged.

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