You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown
I’m not saying I fucked your washing machine. I’m just implying that in about 9 months there might be a litter of baby appliances running around your kitchen that look a lot like a cross between me and your Kenmore Elite Front Load.
I have been known to covet a gadget or two in my day. I’ve even continued those covetous feelings AFTER already owning a gadget. The experience could be described as “gadget lust,” but I have never considered actually having intercourse with my iPad. Ok, I have never actually taken practical steps toward fucking my iPad. I guess there’s a distinction that needs to be made between figuring out the mechanics of an act in your head and actually going to Home Depot to purchase materials.
As panel 1 above suggests, I really think the fuckable iPad marks a significant moment in human history. We’ll likely start measuring recorded history in B.C., A.D. and A.F.i. (After Fuckable iPad). The only question is whether we will say “I can’t imagine how terrible life must have been pre-A.F.i.” or “Remember pre-A.F.i. when roving gangs of cyber-wolves didn’t patrol the streets of the burned cities in their decapitanks? Remember clean water? Remember the sun? Remember OH SHIT LOOK OUT IT’S CHIEF CYBER-WOLF, VICEROY STEELPAW!”
Maybe it won’t be all that severe. Maybe fuckable iPads will just be the next “checking email while jogging” or “texting while driving” or “breaking while entering.” Regardless, I am going to start investing in companies that sell close up videos of the tops of peoples’ heads bobbing up and down. Mark my word. It’s going to be the next Hula Hoop. You know? For kids.
COMMENTERS: Fuckable iPads: What a person does in their own home without harming or victimizing anyone else is their own business, or ruination of the species? Is it harmless fun or a slippery slope to shoving laptops up our asses? That slope would have to be PRETTY slippery.
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Oh shit son, it just hit me. We're on the way to the future of Robocop.
Fleshlight iPad + App Store = "I'd buy that for a dollar!" "…and then fuck it. You know. For a dollar."
Yeah, inflation and all that – used to be just a nickle.
[ if you don't know where that came from, don't worry… or should you?]
Yeah, this is some next level David Cronenberg shit right here. "ALL HAIL TO THE NEW FLESH!".
Seriously, rewatch "Videodrome". You'll see what I'm talking about.
If theres one thing Ive learned in my life, its that if there’s even something RESEMBLING a hole in something, people will try to put their dicks in it.
Zach Weiner is WAAAAYYYYY ahead of you on that one. http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&am…
I’m perfectly fine doing what gets you off, but if I knew any of my friends were watching porn in portrait mode I would probably slam their dicks under a toilet seat lid until that was the only way they could ever get off. We’re MASTURBATING, not effing BARBARIANS.
Why are you doing what gets me off? How do you know even? Ah! Get your own kinky tricks!
It is the perfect compliment to the Kindle Dildo.
Although… No vacuum cleaner attachment? What kind of scam are they trying to pull here?
Vacuum cleaner? Is this 1972? Are you putting fake hickies on your neck with it too?
I'm just thanking God that there's not a Windows version of this. The viruses… the BSOD…
BSOD…that's how you know you're done masturbating, or at least need a new j-rag.
Hey Joel, I think it's "make do", not "make due"… 🙂
Thank god I'm not the only one who came in here JUST to say that . . . .
This. 😉
same here! lol!
fixed.
My god! They haven't seen the public health films! Quick, show them "Electrogonorrhea: the noisy killer" !
mmmmmm Ax Men….
I thought they were ugly on Ax Men.
Maybe I'm thinking of Gold Rush, Sons of Guns, or Ragin Cajuns.
EWWW! Josh I slept on that couch!!
Oh hush, it won't hurt you.
That which doesn't kill you might have made other babies in you, if you were a woman.
This will surely affect the coffee can / bubble wrap / baby oil market.
I think there's a special Fleshlight cleaner fluid, which is not the fluid that usually goes into them.
I can just see in 2 or so years a factory or 6 of Chinese workers having to work 14 hour days putting these FleshiPads together for $.50 an hour.
The women in the testing room would be very grumpy indeed.
Oohhh I could watch an episode of Cops and pretend the cops are trying to run away from my dick, but it'll get them…you know…. in the end.
You ever get so angry at someone that you just want to hate-fuck them? Imagine if you could do that when your iPad freezes up.
There's a fapp for that!
We're going to be seeing a lot of Photo Booth shots of people's O-faces.
Oh come on. Those slim, sleek curves. That smart cover that barely cover the front and doesn't cover the back at all. It's like the iPad is just asking for.
There is a God and he has smiled upon us or is this the devil'd doing either way its still freaking awesome!
I have no money for one or the another, so it doesn't matter to me
Totally planning on dropping Viceroy Steelpaw next time I need to make a reservation or takeaway order. The people at Jimmy John's will be even more confused by my household than usual.
"Dude, are you Viceroy Steepaw? Your #7 is ready."
I misread the first panel and was wondering how a flAshlight led to this discussion of fucking things. I was ready to make the joke "What's the flashlight for? To find the iPad that's not in its case."
*sigh* thrown off by things that are not part of my daily vocabulary.
And if you're fucking your iPad, how is the porn going to help? Don't you then need a second iPad to watch porn on?
And this makes Conan's "watch every device" commercial even more freaky, thinking those devices can all be fucked now, while Conan's wearing them. *shudders*
I would like to point out that women (and some men who like vibrations) have been fucking some form of machine since the 1800s. This is just the first time you can tweet with your sex toy.
brilliant. You actually made me shriek a little.
Viceroy Steelpaw? Cyber-wolves? Sounds like a job for Liam Neeson!
Im sure this is where my mind was at the time.
It looks as though everyone is addressing the potential markets and pondering apps to cater to it, but is anyone considering the implications? The iPad is a device that is distinct in that it evaluates, records and responds to the type of forces acting upon it. And for how long.
That's telemetry. Telemetry that has a wireless connection.
iPad doesn't record whether or not you had an off night of desperate, drunken fumbling. iPad doesn't care that you are lovingly devoted in your attentions.
iPad only does the math.
Geez, everyone freaks out when Google decides to share its user info. Imagine the new potential databases that Anonymous could decide to mine.
How'd you like to have to mine that database?
ba-zing!
Are they insinuating that only men have the desire to get off while using their iPad? As a woman who loves internet porn, I'm outraged.
They have vibrators that attach to, are powered by, and even pulsate to the music on an ipod 🙂