I’m really glad we saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra at the drive in theater. Otherwise I dont think we would have been as free to yell at the screen, huff exhaust fumes or reorient our chairs to watch other movies. We were on the very last row of cars, sandwiched between a hotboxing minivan (Josh didn’t mind at all) and a pickup full of red necks so the screen was quite far away and difficult to make out at times. We tried to emulate real theater sound (to hear the movie you tune a radio to a certain station) using Eli’s boombox for high’s, Josh’s subwoofer for lows and our own bemused groans for mids.

It was my first drive in experience and all told a very pleasant one despite the movie’s best efforts. Oh, the movie? Right. It was unfathomably terrible. I expected it to be bad, but I also expected to have at least some idea of what was going on at any given time during the film. I’m almost positive there was some dialog between explosions, in the same way one assumes people are all basically good. There’s a lot of evidence to the contrary, but you still want to hold onto that belief.

I have a feeling the shooting script for G.I Joe went something like this:

Camel/Jet/EXPLOSION/Tank/EXPLOSION/EXPLOSION/Camel

Duke & Black Duke meet hologram Hawk/Adlib dialog/EXPLOSION

EXPLOSION/EXPLOSION/EXPLOSION/Adlib dialog/Robot Suits!/4 EXPLOSIONS

ROBOT SUIT FIGHT/NINJA FIGHT/NINJA FLASHBACK/EXPLODING NINJAS

Eiffel Tower EXPLODE!/Adlib/MORE ROBOT SUIT STUFF/MORE NINJA STUFF/HUMMER/BOOOOOM!

[Director's Note: ok, the rest of the movie needs to take place underwater or on the north pole. Fuck it, let's do both.]

BOOM/BOOM/EXPLODE/SUBMARINE/Secret jet that speaks SCOTTISH/BOOM/BOOM/BOOM!

Haggis MacCloud turns into Destro/Cobra Commander turns into Cobra Commander/EXPLODE

EXPLODE AGAIN/Set Up Sequel/Credits.

[Director's Note: Make sure we use "Yo Joe!" "Knowing is half the battle" "Kung Fu Grip" "Gotta catch'em all!" and "ThunderCats Ho!"]

Bottom line: Don’t go see it anywhere that shouts of outrage and uproarious laughter wouldn’t be appreciated. Wait for DVD. Hell, do a triple feature of ultimate confusion and explosions with G.I. Joe and both Transformers films. Make a real night out of it.

UPDATE ON THE BOOK PRESALE! As of this posting there are only 5 Ultimate Fancy Editions left!

hijinks-ensue-godspeed-you-fancy-bastard-book

I was live Tweeting during the movie from the drive in theater in Ennis, TX. The fruits of that effort are listed below:

SPOILERS!!! [I guess]

  • 15 min into GI JOE at the drive in. Nothing makes sense and everything is exploding. They are all acting SO hard.7:56 PM Aug 8th
  • They just said “knowing is half the battle.” “Kung fu grip” was uttered in the first 10 min7:58 PM Aug 8th
  • Nano-MITE!8:01 PM Aug 8th
  • Brendan Frasier?! WTF are you doing in this training montage?8:11 PM Aug 8th
  • Shredders transport modules just burst into Joe cave base alpha. Where’s the technodrome?8:16 PM Aug 8th
  • Forklift murder count is at 18:18 PM Aug 8th
  • Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are brothers. One more and we have a 3 Ninjas reunion.8:20 PM Aug 8th
  • No one else seems to realize this is a comedy.8:21 PM Aug 8th
  • Ninja flashback count is at 2 and holding.8:23 PM Aug 8th
  • Obvious Double Bubble product placement is at 2 and rising8:33 PM Aug 8th
  • All cars in France explode when you touch them.8:41 PM Aug 8th
  • The van next to us seen to be a hybrid that runs on pot.8:55 PM Aug 8th
  • Now they’re on Hoth. I stopped paying attention a while ago.9:04 PM Aug 8th
  • Dennis Quaid and I are going to have a serious talk about our relationship after this.9:08 PM Aug 8th
  • “maybe the plane responds to Keltic.”9:13 PM Aug 8th
  • They are outrunning the ocean now.9:22 PM Aug 8th
  • This movie either takes place in space or possibly the underwater Gungan city.9:23 PM Aug 8th
  • Moved our chairs so we could see the Orphan. GI Joe was joetarded.9:42 PM Aug 8th