Clarkanthropy

Afterward I wake up naked in a field, covered in deer blood.

Smallville Season 8 premiered last night. I watched it. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I watched the 7 seasons preceding this one. Smallville is the most schizophrenic show on television. Entire characters, plot points and integral story arcs are swept under the rug from episode to episode and forgotten about by all involved. Plot holes big enough to drive a moon through are standard. Completely ignoring or rewriting a character’s personality to serve the week’s semi-plot is a more than common occurance. Remember when Lana was a fucking reincarnated witch? Smallville is a day time soap masquerading as Geek-TV.

Please, for the love of Zod, cancel this bastard asshole of a TV show so I can get on with my life. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will watch it until its end, so my only hope is that fate intervene and render it assunder. SET ME FREE OF THIS EPISODIC COCK-KNOCKERY!

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85 Comments

  1. This is a memo from geek HQ – If you don't recognise the restraints reference could you please return you membership card in the free post envelope provided.

    Alternatively go out and buy the Buffy boxsets, now!

  2. Sadly, your friends are just a *little* wrong there. You are allowed to watch season 2. And then you are allowed to watch how, in season 3, the show grows the biggest fucking storytelling balls ever in teen-geek television. You are, however, NOT allowed to watch any of season 4. Or anything else after that. Just take your amazing cliff-hanger ending and make up your own story afterwards.

  3. I only remember Lana being a witch because Best Buy kept pushing tv box sets, and kept playing clips of Lana having some sort of retarded jedi duel. And I remember seeing it and thinking… "What the fuck has this show come to?"

  4. Now that Clark is the cub reporter for the Planet, there's really no way to keep him out of the tights. Not a moment too soon I'd say. So: do you think they'll reboot the movie franchise with this cast of characters or what?

  5. damn… another comic on a show i have been meaning to watch for… 8 seasons now… i think i just keep putting it off because i hate superman… but one day i'll see it… hey… how about a comic about It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia featuring you guys as replacements ;-D

  6. I feel your pain. I really do. Every season I think. This year the show will start to be awesome. And then I am wrong.

    But hey, at least Supernatural rocks.

  7. Well it turns out that Lana was a reincarnated witch from the 1500's or some shit that somehow had ties to Kryton because there were these 3 ancient stones of Kryptonian power that every one wanted and (BRAIN EXPLODE!)

    • This is 2011 calling, I hope this message makes it in time. No. Joel, quit watching now, they'll renew it for at LEAST two more seasons!

  8. See they bring in characters you want to see ALL the time, but they fuck them up so hard that they are unrecognizable. Doomsday is in this season… AS A FUCKING BARTENDER! I dont know how else to exclaim that. He's a human and a bar tender..

  9. ACtually that TV is made to represent Josh's 46" Samsung LCD. Its always in comics where Josh's TV is being watched. I cut off the bottom and hung it on the wall so it could be my TV. In reality ours are similar but his is better (though smaller).

  10. I like how he restrains you right next to the TV. CW could take this comic and cut out the words, and it would just look like he was forcing you to watch.

    I wasn't even aware the restraints were a particular reference. I just kept thinking Bender as the WereCar

  11. Oh, Joel…

    As a friend, and by "friend," I mean, "guy on the internet who has no life otherwise," I'm going to give you the Clockwork Orange treatment. I'm going to strap you down and force you to read "Birthright" and "Whatever Happened To The Man Of Tomorrow" and "All-Star Superman" and to watch "Superman The Animated Series" and the Donner Cut of Superman II, and whatever else it takes for you to realize that "Alfred Gough and Miles Millar" is a pseudonym for the Lex Luthor of Earth-Prime, and that Smallville is part of his insidious plot, begun with Superman III, to make the people of this Earth think Superman is a joke.

    I do this because I care. About you and about Superman.

  12. I was going to say that what needs to happen is Mister Mxyzptlk coming in to retcon everything, but I see on Wikipedia that they've already bastardized him. 🙁

  13. At least this is the (confirmed) final season of Smallville, so we don't have to suffer through the agonizing torture much longer. When I read that Doomsday was joining the show, but he's starting out as a bartender, well, let's just say I was not enthused.

  14. @Jason;
    No shit Supernatural rox. For all of us who happen to be geek chix, it's like the Baywatch of zombie-slayer shows. Nom, nom, nom….

  15. The only reason Ive seen any of Smallville is because Supernatural airs after it. Last ep I caught was the fucking hour long stride gum commercial and right before my eyes started to bleed I switched channels and carved the words NEVER AGAIN into my arm.

  16. And isn't he in Metropolis now, and working for the Daily Planet? So at this point, isn't it just Superman without Superman? Or are they going to do a season-long arc about his decision to wear glasses?

  17. I love Josh's expression in panel two. He looks slightly crazy, in a happy way.

    On a related note, moons can be _driven_ these days? Call me jaded, but that is frickin' amazing. What's next, spaceman?

    • Ha! End of season 8 my ass. We're heading into the 10th. To be fair, it seems to have gotten better. Clark's more Superman-like now. With 10 being the definite last, I can't wait for it to come back.

      Well… I can wait. Not really a problem for me unlike some other people I know.

  18. I just watched the first season of Smallville for the first time last month, I told my friends I was going back to MovieStop to pick up the next season and they all begged me, BEGGED ME to just let whatever nice feelings I had about the first seasons to stay and not ruin it by watching any more. They where like "It's like a cool superhero Buffy right now with internal continuity and nothing that makes you made right? Good, keep it that way"

    They've instructed me not to return to the show unless we're in some sort of post-apocolyptic situation where I've watched everything else crafted before the end and it's either Smallville or no TV.

  19. I stopped watching long ago, but I heard whispers of a Boom Tube appearing, which got me all eccited about the possibility of the show going cosmic and bringing in the New Gods. Downside: product placement would be easier. "DARKSEID WILLS THAT YOU CHEW STRIDE GUM, VILE KRYPTONIAN!"

  20. Well, the whole comic has a "lock up Oz before he becomes a werewolf" Buffy vibe, but any werewolf reference will do. I think the idea is that Im going to watch it no matter what. Better that I be restrained where I cant hurt anyone.

  21. WATCH BATTLESTAR NOW! Do you realize what a gift the first and 2nd seasons of BSG are to humanity? You get to experience it with virgin eyes. GO! GO NOW! BEFORE SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THE FINAL 5 ARE!

  22. Dude, read Doomsday's ACTUAL origin story. Its fucking epic. They murdered baby's over and over and over until eventually they evolved one into pure unstoppable evil. Thats much cooler than "I dropped out of community college and went to mixology school."

  23. FWIW I worked for a time with Bruce Timm (of the Batman the animated series fame) and he and my other former boss had a stroy where they got to see the pilot of Smallville before it aired or was seen by many other peeps. They came away impressed, wondering how it would all turn out.

    And then tuned in to what was a completely different show that left the mconfused and in some measure of pain.

    Somewhere between the pilot and the actual series the show completely lost it's way and sense of self which is pretty stunning when you think about the timeframe between the two.

    i mean hell, LOST took at least a year to confuse itself. Smallville did it in a matter of months.

  24. i read an article that said that Smallville started as a pitch to the WB about a "young bruce wayne" show. They were currently developing the "Batman: Year One" movie that never took off so they turned it into a "Young Superman" show. The guy that pitched it still gets paid for every episode but has NEVER had anything to do with it and he hates it.

  25. hmm… well it would be great to get the battlestar references in these comics for sure… really one of the only reasons I want to watch it… but its decided then… my next TV-on-DVD collection will be: Battlestar

  26. Yeah, but I keep hearing rumblings about Brainiac, or Bizarro, or other bits of Superman mythology, and I ALMOST get tempted, and I have to lie down until the feeling goes away.

    Plus, I lived in Vancouver for three years, and I got tired of recognizing every location.
    "That's not China, that's a Buddhist temple in Richmond!"

  27. That wasn't so much driving as a massive explosion hurling the moon through space. Though I always wondered, since it was a nuclear waste dump on the far side that blew up, why the moon wasn't blown _toward_ the earth.

  28. I hurt inside when I think of the time I wasted on this bastardization. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be clean from this destructive habit for over a year and a half now. I can only hope I can pull my sister away from the dark,dark abyss that is this show. Maybe then our family can heal.

  29. My other half had the pleasure of meeting a young man last year while working as a charity fundraiser. He has a lot of tattoos visable, so naturally anyone else with tattoos usually gets theirs out in the course of the conversation.

    This bloke was about 25 and had a MASSIVE all black smallville logo that took up the whole of his inner forearm, as well as couple more smallville based ones (including the football team logo – the crows is it?)

    We had a picture on Lee's old phone but he lost it. The filename was thismanhaslearningdifficulties.jpg

  30. For the record, I've enjoyed the first two episodes this season as much as any other season. Which is to say, not a whole lot. I'm just as frustrated and underwhelmed by NotSuperman today as I was 8 seasons ago. But I, too, have the disease, and cannot stop watching.

    SPOILERS AND SHIT: So, Doomsday's not a bartender, he's an EMT. Better? Worse? I don't know. I won't know until they tell us whether he's the Kryptonian Ultimate, or just some schmuck who had a few too many shots of Jaegerkryptomeister.

  31. Thanks for this one.

    When Smallville comes on I too, unless restrained, watch the damn thing and ring up the friend I know watches and start ranting.

    The episode where Clark said "You won't get away with this" nearly gave me an aneurysm.

  32. Man all this people telling that 8 was the last season just make me realize how futile is to wait for it to end. Smallville will never end!! we should just donate our TV's to charity to avoid temptation.

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