Dick Everlasting

Alternate ending: “Ancient Spirts of Evil, Transform this decayed form into CHENEY THE EVER-LIVING!!!”

[This comic is translated from Dick Cheney’s native language, a mixture of Parseltongue and the dark tongue spoken in Mordor]

Cheney was looking pretty rough at the inauguration on Tuesday. He was on his third baboon heart, and previously had all of his bones replaced with steel recovered from ground zero. With his titanium kidneys and cobalt spleen, he is more machine now than man. Though there are those that believe Cheney isn’t a man at all, rather he’s actually a highly evolved insect that has learned how to use it’s natural camouflage to mimic a human appearance. Personally, I believe that he is ageless. He was birthed of the primordial fires of creation, and roamed the Earth long before any other sentient life. He drove the demons, trolls and orcs deep below… or they banished him to the surface… either way, he is as ancient as he is evil and he is large amounts of both.

I’m guessing Cheney has been assuming different identities throughout history. Who was he? Zeus? Jack the Ripper? Joseph Stalin? Dracula? I bet he was Dracula. Also, feel free to share your ideas for other ways Cheney has kept alive all these years. I would have defaulted to the obvious conclusion that he’s a Cylon, but without the Resurrection Ship, I’m not sure how that would work.

And before you tell me to take it easy on Cheney, or the Bush administration, save it. I’m still high on Obama fumes and I’m not nearly ready to come down.

And a SPECIAL THANK YOU to those Twittering FB’s that unwittingly helped me write this comic with their @’s (justchristine, lonneynerd, bradymikep, bshirley, jaydeflix, and muttonhead104).

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85 Comments

  1. Funny, now I won't be able to imagine Dicky-Poo without hearing Krang's voice.

    I've also always wondered what his prosthetic "body" was supposed to be: a professional wrestler with suspenders and 3-D glasses?

  3. Brilliant comic!
    Love the unashamedly constant geekery throughout, ending (quite perfectly in my honest opinion) in the best (possibly the only?) TMNT joke I've seen in a geek comic.
    Watched the inaguration in the UK, I must admit to having an essence of tear in one eye when Obama displayed his humanity through nervously jumping the gun. If he's not human, he's a better actress than Cameron from SCC!

    Perhaps Dick is a terminator? Anyone seen any lightning balls around his house lately?

      • Hehehe, it amuses me that Google have hidden it but all an enterprising terrorist would have to do to find it is switch their alleigance to Yahoo

      • Joel, there are a bunch of Cheney jokes amongst the video archive @ thedailyshow.com. Just search for "You Don't Know Dick!" and learn some of the horrifying truths about the entity known as Cheney. There's also a couple of bits from correspondent John Oliver that ID Cheney as a fleet of cyborgs stationed around the globe and, basically, the Highlander!
        In the comic, I found references to Ra's al-Ghul (Lazarus pits, Ubu) and STAR WARS: Dark Empire (cloning facilities for the Emperor). Any more geek references I missed?

  4. I found it awesome that the Krang-Cheney in the final frame is the best likeness of real life Dick. I mean, you can tell who it is in the first few, but that last one actually looks like the man himself. It might be the little brain tentacle hands that do it for me.

  6. All we need now are HE Turtles with appropriately-coloured bandanas, although I'm not sure what colour Joel's would be…

    • Joel's could be Blue, Josh's would be rainbow coloured and he'd have two pom-poms which fired shuriken at an alarming rate.

      • Dual-wield shuri-poms? His Ninjutsu is truly masterful…

        Why now am I going to go away and create HMNT (Hijinks Mutant Ninja Turtles) instead of all this work I have to do tonight?

        Or should that be FBNT (Fancy Bastard Ninja Turtles)?

  8. Milk, he's the one who gave Hogan the advise to drink his milk. All part of his plan to re-launch the civil war and make the south rise again.

      • Louis Tully: "I am Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Cheney"

        Winston Zeddemore: "When somebody asks you if you're a Republican, you say YES!"

        • OMG! I just pictured Cheney rampaging through D.C. scowling with an ascot on.
          Obama – Nobody steps on a church in my town! This Dick is toast!

  17. I love the Eye of Sauron in Dick's staff… Not even the Lord of the Rings' dark will can overcome the deepest evil and arcane magics of Darth Cheney. Awesome comic all around 😉 I've been looking for one I'd want a print of and I think this sucker may well be it.

  18. Perhaps Unicron rebuilt his defeated body many years ago to serve his goals of consuming all living things…

    "Behold…CHENATRON!"

  19. This is my first time leaving a comment, although I've been completely enjoying your comic since last November (someone on io9.com linked to one of your comics about Twilight).

    I was moved to reply this time because instead of my usual laughing fit, this comic made me laugh until I cried. Some of that may have had to do with the fact that I made this exact thought about CheneyKrang a couple days ago, but the majority of it was you. 🙂

    So, I just wanted to finally drop you a note and let you know how much I love reading your comic. It's consistently smart, well-drawn, and hilarious. Thank you so much for sharing your talent.

    On a final note, I also wanted to thank you for making your friend Josh such a vital part of the comic's universe. As a lesbian geek myself, it's wonderful seeing a part of our community represented.

    Thank you again, and keep up the wonderful work!

    • Wow! Thanks for all the kind words. Im glad you are enjoying the comic so much. its funny, with Josh there was never a conscious decision on whether or not he would be gay in the comic. He was, so the comic-josh was. Simple as that. I never wanted to shove it in peoples faces and make a big deal out of it because that would seem exploitative. Anyway, I have 100's of other ways to exploit him and being gay is probably the least of them.

      • I think the beauty you have with the Josh character is that you can get him into so many comedic situations because of his sexuality without the joke itself being "Josh is gay".

        Wizard Pride is a perfect example: having Dumbledore out partying on his own or with generic gay man would be funny and tell the same joke, but would be lacking in something. Having Josh there given his love of the Potter books adds that last little piece of the puzzle – the joke is Dumbledore enjoying his liberation after he was outed, not "Josh is gay"

  20. Many years ago in Transylvania Dracula and Dr. Frankenstein conspired to create the most evil creation. Cheney is the result! An amalgam of the most evil men ever to walk the face of the earth. They used Pol Pot's brain, Hitlers spleen, Stalin's heart and worst of all FOX's President of programming's body! With his talent for canceling science fiction and torturing us with reality television he could not be stopped and overwhelmed his creators. Thus was born a thing not of nature but of dark pits of hell destine to ruin everything he touches and yearn only for blackness sweet blackness and perpetual reruns of American Idol!

    • I wouldnt have nearly the problem I do with Bush if he would just be a man and own up to his mistakes. He has never taken responsibility for anything negative that he has caused. Just watch his exit interview. He is "disappointed" in everything and everyone but himself. He was a cocky asshole to the press and the american people at every opportunity. I dont think Bush is evil (like Cheney). I think he's a smarmy, holier than thou, jerk that doesnt know how to treat anyone like a human being. That attitude permeated every aspect of his presidency.

    • Joel, do a shirt that has Cheney's face with a big red cross through it and the slogan "I Hate Dick". Then get Josh to wear it.

  26. I finally found the comic I want in print. It'll go on my wishlist immediately right next to the caricature I insist I will get one day. Good work, that made my day. I think TMNT may have had a bigger impact on my life than MOTU, but I could be wrong.

  27. Woooooo! Mention in a newspot. I feel so giddy!

    I'm convinced he's sustained through nothing other than the power of pure evil, something like Sauron in his dark pit. When the evil of warfare had ceased to have effect, he moved onto hunting. First normal animals, and progressively moving up the "cute" chain, starting with chipmunks and ending with child pandas. When that ceased to work, he started hunting a much more dangerous game…

  28. Remember when Obama teamed up with Bruce Willis to assemble the 5 elements and stop Gary Oldman from releasing Planet Cheney on us?

  29. Oh, guys. I found out the truth. In the late 40's some US military scientists discovered an infant Cheney in a bombed out Church in Scotland. He had horns and one stone hand. They adopted him and raised him as if he were human. He filed off the horns to appear more human, but they are still visible to those with magical goggles. His destiny is to bring about the end of the world by unleashing hellish Lovecraftian monsters… and he's totally cool with this.

  31. Well I personally had Josh's pink or rainbow, Denise was yellow (sorry) and Eli's as some kind of tan or sandy colour, but Lucha Orange or even Mariachi Black and Red could be cool.

  34. You see, Cheney doesn't see humans the same way you or I do. Cheney sees us as a combination of ones and zeros….

    I would enjoy seeing Cheney's little tentacle/brain persona eventually morph into an Akira-type entity, and perhaps a hero could be found to fight it…
    Either that or maybe a little part time job or temp gig in a hentai. You know…. just some work until the economy gets moving again.

    …Naughty schoolgirls…

    • So Obama would be like Kaneda… (Obaneda?) Did the masterminds at the White House make him give up his sweet red motorcycle and enormous gun as well as his Blackberry?

      And who, in this Akira-RL crossover, would play the old blue kids?

      • Just to be clear, I understand that they took away his phone for security reasons, and wasn't calling them 'masterminds' in a derogatory sense… just covering my ass! ; )

  42. so to finally defeat cheney, i must get a bucket of Slime and some turtles? if only it were that simple. But i'll get my hockey gear out of storage, just in case

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