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Alternate Title: Sponge Blob Stretch Pants

Ahhh, Twinkies. Just like mom used to get diabetes from. I’m going to miss them as much as she misses her foot.

COMMENTERS: I’m sure someone will snatch up Hostess before Twinkies even become scarce. Don’t they really only have one major competitor anyway? Still, are there any foods/candies/whatever that you miss that just aren’t made anymore? Remember those lime green custard filled Ninja Turtle pies? They were horrifically awful and I LOVED them. I’m sure that was a Hostess product, now that I think about it.

TWO new HE Podcasts this week! 
Episode 93 and Episode 94 With Voice Actors Yuri Lowenthall and Tara Platt!

If you want to help decide the fate of the next HijiNKS ENSUE JoCo Cruise fundraiser, check out this thread in the Fancy Bastard Facebook Group.

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85 Comments

  1. Living in Canada, I still miss Vanilla Coke. My current solution is vanilla whiskey and Coke. That makes the pain go away…

    • Yeah, but the entire company and factory has shut down. It's gone. So, you'll get them until the stockpile runs out. Or someone comes along and buys the name and recipes and all that.

  7. Tayto crisps here in Ireland used to make chili flavour and curry flavour crisps. I used to have them with Vanilla Coke, which is, sadly, also now gone.

  10. Hansen’s (the natural soda company) used to sell a Tangerine iced tea that was wonderful. I’m kind of shocked that no one else seems to have noticed how well the combination works. Oh, and Tre Limone ginger-lemon soda.

    Mother’s Cookies used to make a creme-filled spicy oatmeal cookie that was out of this world; given that I’m now diabetic it’s probably a good thing they’re gone.

  15. I miss SoBe Black Tea; used to come in glass bottles and was the 2nd best thing next to having sex poured into you in liquid form.

  16. Candy cigarettes. Sticks of chalky sweetness…

    Also, for a short time, M&M/Mars was apparently test-marketing PB&J M&Ms around here. Only one store carried them, which probably accounted for why they didn't succeed. I LOVED those things.

  17. – Original Apple Jacks before they added the awful cherry dots
    -Cadbury Rum & Butter Chocolate Bar
    – Doritos Smokey Red BBQ Chips and Doritos Guacamole Chips
    – O-Ryan's Sour Cream & Cheddar Chips
    – Boston Pizza (restaurant) Popeye Pizza – Spinach, Feta Cheese, Garlic Tomato Sauce.

    • They used to have a really good seafood salad pita thing there too. Last time I tried to order one was in around, oh, 1997 or so. The waitress sort of side-eyed me and said they hadn't made them "in forever," like, since Boston Pizza first opened. I was very sad. I like seafood salad stuff, and Subway isn't offering that anymore either. Apparently it was too caloric, what with all the mayo and what.

      But BP used to have really awesome chicken quesadillas as well, and curly fries. You can't get any of them anymore. 🙁

  18. Doritos used to make some puffed corn chip monstrosities called "Doritos 3-D!" they came in two flavors, Cooler Ranch and Nacho Cheese. The nacho cheese was meh but the Cooler Ranch was ridiculously good. I have no idea what happened to them or when they left the market, but I'd happily gain five or ten pounds were they to bring them back.

  22. I tell everyone who mourns the loss of Hostess to start looking into a company that far surpasses them, Tastykake. I grew up on this stuff living in SE PA just outside Philadelphia, and I was always stunned no one else knew what the heck they were. It got bought out by a GA company last year but has since brought availability to a much larger area, including the Dallas area now. I know some people may be horrified that I disliked Hostess, but I've sampled all the foodstuffs from both companies and nothing comes close to Tastykake. You can order sample packages and try it yourself: http://www.tastykake.com

    • Growing up in South Jersey, I spent many years looking for places that would import Tastykakes in small amounts outside of the tri-state area, and now they are everywhere and I could not be happier. Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes bitches.

  23. There used to be this ice cream bar called Maxibon that was half cookie ice cream sandwich and half chocolate coated ice cream. It was awesome.

  24. Graham cracker flavored Chex. That and Spider-Man cereal which was like a sweetened Rice Chex cereal with marshmallows. Several flavors of Ben and Jerry's that I loved are gone took, including Festivus and Honey, I'm Home. Also Mr. Phipps Pretzel Chips.

  30. Sonic Sourcream and/or Pizza Hut Doritos. I use to eat an entire bag of these for lunch in junior high but sadly almost every type of Doritos I like gets canceled far too soon.

  32. That Matrix flavor of Powerade – it was black cherry and lime, fluorescent green, and got me through that godawful semester of college where I'd ended up with two credit hours over full-time and two classes that overlapped by ten minutes.

    Also Hot N Now french fries – I understand the chain is still around in Michigan, but all the local ones shut down. They were good enough to make me seriously think about driving to Michigan on occasion.

    • The last Hot N Now I had was X-Mas Eve of `02, driving thru Coldwater. I hadn't had it in years, as they'd pulled out of Saginaw years before. Thought I was hallucinating at first. I bought burgers and fries and gorged myself on my drive home. It was the best hoiliday gift I could have gotten.

  33. Hostess has been dead to me, anyway, since they stopped making Choco-Bliss, the most nineties (and the most diabetes-inducing) of all snack cakes. If you don't know what they were, then I pity you. If you want to know a little about them, Google it, you'll see what I mean.

  34. The non-caramelized Peanut Butter Snickers. The new version isn't bad, but it pales to the original that came out in the mid 80's…and I want a candy BAR, not squares. Peanut buttery nougat, peanuts, and chocolate…so simple but SO good!

  35. Cookies & Cream Quik powder. Granted, chocolate milk is less exciting now that I'm no longer ten, but man, that stuff made the best chocolate milk there ever was.

  36. Quattro (may have been only one 't') it was a fluorescent green tropical fizzy drink that was much better than Lilt. And pistachio M&M's, they were fantastic.

  37. For a short time kellogs made a powerpuff girls cereal. it was basically crumbled rice krispies treats with POP ROCKS!! It tasted like pink.(no, that is not a euphemism)

  38. Carls Jrs old fries…before the natural cut ones came out…in high school I would drive all the way across town for those at lunch because they were one of the last fast food joints with proper fries…now, sadly, the last place in town with proper 'shoestring' fries done right is the super expensive romantic italian resuraunt…

    why does everyone love those natural cut fries? they are terrible!

    • Well, I like them for texture and the earthy flavor that the skin adds.

      I think most people think they're healthier. I think they're wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what they were going for.

      • yea Im not sure how adding in an ingredient (the skin) to an already unhealthy snack makes them healthy haha…but I think youre right in their thought process

  40. Mystery Bears Instant Oatmeal. Stir in the water and gummi bears would appear. I could never figure out where those little bastards came from but it blew my little six year old mind.

  41. I forget what they were called, but there used to be these things that were like Pringles only they were tortilla chips, and they had these lime flavored ones that were AMAZING.

    Also, the Kroger's around here used to have a flavor of their store brand called Bear Claw, and it was incredibly good. Chocolate ice cream with a caramel ribbon and chocolate-covered cashews, yummmm…. It always sold out pretty much instantly whenever they got it, I really don't understand why they discontinued it.

  44. Pitter-Patters were a peanut butter sandwich cookie made by Keebler. Sort of like Nutter Butters, but with a much better cookie crunch.

    Also Chili-Lime Fritos were sold briefly here in Texas, and they were amazing.

  45. Wagon wheels – a marshmallow and jam filled chocolate covered cookie that used to cost a nickle and was HUGE.
    I see something sold under the same name but the quality is just not there and its the size of a standard cookie in an oversize package.

    Also Moon Pies – came across them once driving through Indiana but never again and they just don't show up in the great white north.

    Last but not least Crispy Crunch – back when it was all flaky peanut buttery toffee covered in real chocolate. Now its chocolatey coating covered toffee that can either glue or chip teeth with a thin filling that seems like it might contain peanuts and some sort of soggy flaky crap. Sort of like a toffee covered Butterfinger thin *yuck*

    • I haven't had a Wagon wheel since the late 80's since it contains marshmellow and I am a vegetarian, but I used to love them.

      Now that you brought up Crispy crunch, I realize that the bar used to be different and didn't turn into sticky toffee in your teeth…now they're more like old WigWags with that crazy level of tooth sticking.

  46. I've never had a Twinkie in my life and aren't going to start now (both because I just don't like the oily, chemical taste of fake whipping cream, ugh, and because why try them now? If I like them, I'm screwed because no one makes them anymore. Or won't be soon, anyways, or something, although the Shortpacked comments are claiming that since Hostess is run by a different parent company in Canada, we'll still be making (and selling) them up here). Lord, there's some foods I miss though.

    I think the two biggest ones, though, are the icing sugar that Safeway Foods used to use on their birthday cakes. Man, that stuff was amazing. This was back in the 70s, before they started using preservatives in it. Around the early 80s they changed the recipe, and I haven't come across another icing like it, not even homemade. NO idea what they pput in it but ten-year-old me thought it was AWESOME.

    The other one is Bic's European Style Sweet & Sour Pickles. I adore those things but you can't get them anymore. Bic's stopped making them almost ten years ago, but changed the recipe to make them less sour (read: less awesome) and brought them back for a bit, but now they've stopped making them again. Those things were the absolute best in cheese sandwiches, and I can't make a proper tuna salad without them. The good news is that Paulsen Pickles's Gurken Topf pickles taste almost the same (but again, not sour enough). The bad news is that, having found that out, I've moved across the country and I can't find them in Ontario.Can't find bloody farmer's sausage out here either; it's all just pepperoni and kielbasa. Or coffee cream that's just cream, and not full of thickeners and stabilizers, either. Seriously, what the hell, Ontario?

  48. Firstly, I’m very disappointed in you guys for not making the Commenters prompt follow the example of the alt-text for the comic and name some more off-brand Hostess competitors.

    Also, I saw —only a headline, I didn’t want to tarnish something so brilliant with whatever ‘facts’ the article may have contained that would have inevitably tarnished the glorious world where such a headline is possible— that the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon were considering buying Hostess. Can anyone think of a better combination of the favored beer of Hipsters and Northern Rednecks, and the favored mass-produced bakery products of… I’m not entirely sure who…? I sure can’t.

    Also, the local brand of cheap 59¢, 2/$1.00 candy that’s always hanging dangerously close to the checkouts of gas stations everywhere used to have a product called Peachy Penguins. They were basically like those Gummy Sharks with the opaque white ‘bellies’, but penguin-shaped, peach-flavored, and orange-colored. A cursory Google Image Search suggests that someone out there is still making them, but colored black, and that’s just wrong. Peachy Penguins are orange. If you know where I can find the real ones, I will go there, whatever the cost, and bring them all home.

    If you tell me they’re supposed to be black and white because penguins are black and white, you’re dead to me. By that logic, all Gummy Bears should only be black, brown, and white, not green or red or clear. By your heresy, Jelly beans should only be brown, green, black, or red, right? Gummy sharks should not be blue, but gray, or brown, or tiger-striped, eh? Animal crackers should eschew that disgusting, but addictive pink and white frosting for equally disgusting yet addictive frosting of colors appropriate to the individual animal? You all make me sick!

  52. After a childhood of reading Hostess advertisements in comic books, I finally tasted some about 15 years ago.
    I was not impressed with Twinkies, Fruit Pies, or the chocolate cupcakes…Also Dolly Madison (advertised by Peanuts characters) was equally bleah.
    Compare to the mini brownies you can buy now (YUM!), no competition.

  53. I love Tayto Crisps, I tried them when I visited Belfast for the Snow Patrol Ward Park gig… it was LEGENDARY and teh crisps were so good! I Wish I could get them in Seattle. I would also kill for one of those Bounty Icecream bars…it was life changingly good! __

  54. I miss Wendy's from the 90s… back when Dave was still alive their chicken sandwiches were made from a thick chunk of actual chicken breast, their fries didn't taste like industrial waste, and there was no "butter" on the goddam bun!

    Back when I lived in Ft. Hood, there was a restaurant called Po'Folks- it was kind of like Pappadeaux for broke people.. They would deep fry a whole catfish for you, and you could while away a lovely hour delicately separating the tasty tasty flesh from the sharp ribs… or spend 10 minutes gobbling it down and occasionally pulling bloodied bone shards out of your soft palate 🙂

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