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This is definitely not something I’ve ever done and CERTAINLY NOT something I’ve ever strongly considered doing. Nope. I’m not gross at all. Not even a monster in the slightest. This is the kind of behavior that got Hidden Valley Ranch its name. These are things you keep secret; keep hidden. We do these things in the shadows and then we do not speak of them or make eye contact for a good while afterwards. These are the Days of Depressing Dressing. This is the time of Ruffle-ations. These are crimes for which we shall surely be judged, sentenced, executed and sour cream-ated.
When I market this product (a mixture of 80% ranch dip, 10% chip crumbles and 10% distilled “giving up,”) I plan to call it “CRANCH!” The slogan will be “GOTTA GET DAT CRANCH!” or “DON’T GET BETWEEN ME AND MY CRANCH!” or maybe “DON’T LOOK AT ME! DO NOT LOOK AT ME! TAKE THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE ROOM! I DON’T WANT THEM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS! DON’T WANT THE BOY TO SEE HIS FATHER REDUCED TO THIS! TO SEE ME DEBASE MYSELF IN THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD GO! JUST GO! LEAVE ME! I’VE DONE THIS TO MYSELF! I DESERVE TO BE ALONE! NOW GIMME DAT SWEET CRANCH!”
Look at these Harry Potter Owl Post Earrings, Doctor Who Dalek Earrings and Star Wars Lightsaber Earrings my wife made!
Look at them with your eyes, buy them with your hands and jam them into your ears!
I loved the comic, but your blog post (is that what the associated text blurb is called these days? anyway…) had me laughing so hard I almost passed out.
The dusty crumbles at the bottom of the bag are a perfect concentration of salty chip-flavory goodness. They’re often the best part of the whole bag. To dilute them with dip is akin to putting ketchup on a steak.
I agree. The proper way to eat the dusty crumbles is to pinch a fold in the bag and pour them directly into your mouth.
That being said, this is another of those where the comments are the super funny topping on the very funny comic. I was actually LOLing at the “Hidden Valley Ranch” keep secrets hidden part.
Glad you liked the bonus nonsense. Thanks!
Some of us LIVE for it. But, basically, that is because I am a reader and will always enjoy reading, where my imagination does the work. Hard-wired nerd.
I put the crumbs into my mouth then use the dressing as a chaser
It puts the crumbs into its mouth or else it gets the ranch hose again.
Has the cranch stopped screaming, Joel?
The silence of the Cranch.
Dusty Crumbles is a pretty great stripper name.
Cranch is a great Klingon stripper name
K’Ranch.
Ruffle-ations is my new favorite word.
I’m disappointed that you didn’t keep the original label on the jar: Tub o’ Ranch. Or Tubbo Ranch, the fat farm for disgusting people.
Me too. It was illegible when resized.
One can pretend to be civilized by dumping the crumbs INTO the tub of dip, and using a spoon to consume the salt equivalent of ice-cream….
Or by spreading the dip on your hand with a butter knife.
Channeling Cordwainer Smith, are we? “I am cranched.” Scanners die in Vain
What the hell ass.
By the way, as a long-time lover of HE in its most recent incarnation, I just want to say I appreciate you taking time to end it right, even if it torments me to wait. It would probably be easier to just throw something together, and I have mad respect for you caring enough to always give us your best. I am very excited to see how you will wrap things up, and am so happy you are just shifting sites and not leaving us.
Never leave.
That news post was fucking terrifying, though. BTW.
I appreciate the support. I know pretty much WHAT I want to do with the end of HE but not exactly HOW or WHEN.
This may be an obvious one, but why not just go get more chips?
Save some dip for later.
But…. the chip bag to dip tub ratio is 1:1.
So when you’ve finished the dip, you still have chips left. It’s a vicious cycle, that ends with firefighters cutting the front off your house so they can lift you out with a crane.
This comic…I’ve never felt such a strong sense of validation and shame-neither have I ever laughed quite as hard.
We are kindred spirits in grossness and shame.
I’ve never actually experienced this because I don’t use dip with chips. I am in the land of pinch the bag and pour the end of the bag into my mouth and enjoy that deliciousness.
Unfortunately, I prefer a higher chip-to-dip ratio- like I could do three bags on one dip tub- so I would never do this, but I can sympathize. Those crumbs. They taunt me, too. Sometimes I have the foresight to save a chip, dump the crumbs in, and scoop it up with the last chip.
Cranch, for the disgusting slob on the go!
Joel, you can have that slogan if you want.
That slogan implies that a Cranch’d individual might ever actually leave the house.
And that’s how ranch potato chips started.
Similar things may have been done with neon orange nacho “cheez” and the remnants of a tortilla chip bag….