I Wanna Dip My Buckyballs In It!

Apparently none of our giant-headed physicists can use their science brains to figure out what would happen were one to slip a wayward hand into the particle stream of the Large Hadron Collider. If you watch the video, their guesses range from, “I don’t know,” to “You can’t because it’s 100 meters below ground,” to “It’s like an aircraft carrier the size of a proton is driving through your hand but also there’s several billion of them so you die.” I like the last answer best. Instead of a circle, we need to re-engineer the LHC into a straight line and start some Dr. Doom “hold the world for ransom” type shenanigans.

My own personal theory is that your hand would dematerialize in the stream only to travel back in time to just before you put your hand in the beam and sign “STOP IT! STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!” in ASL as it fell to the ground. Of course this would create a causality loop (because the fact that you see the hand before you stick your hand in the beam means you already stuck your hand in the beam) and a paradox (because you don’t know sign language, therefor neither does your hand) both of which would take turns unravelling the fabric of space-time.

The quantum sex act Josh describes in panel 3 is referred to in scientific circles as a “Swedish Fiddler,” a “A Golden CERN,” or a “Hot Black Hole with a Reverse Baby Universe.”

Commenters: Feel free to post your theory about what happens when you stick your hand in the LHC. Also, I’m designing holiday cards tonight. You have an idea for a card? Post it in the comments. This is your ONE shot to make suggestions.

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52 Comments

  1. I don't know what would happen if you stuck any particular body part in the LHC, but I supremely love Joel's face in the last panel.

    And the strip title.

  2. THIS is a job for MYTHBUSTERS! Pig flesh constructed hands and ticklesacks, ballistics gels, and splatter patterns BABY! Or maybe the pig parts'll just show up in bed with Bob Newhart and say "I just had the strangest dream…."

  5. Holiday card suggestions, you say?
    – Someone attempting to go holiday shopping at the sketchy First Saturday Sale (probably Eli—I'd say Josh but it would thoroughly offend his Mac fanboy sensibilities)
    – Steve Jobs is the anti-Santa
    – Santa as a borg (which is actually a Halloween costume idea I've been trying to talk my dad out of—he can't be just any borg because he's got a big white beard)
    – The router-tailed-puppy-Internet as a present?
    – I really REALLY want to see a drawing of Josh's description of "maship" from the last panel of the OED comic (one of my absolute favorite recent comics)

    Also, <3 Josh's face and use of simile in the last panel.

    That is all.

  15. "What nerds wish they were getting on Christmas morning" (Ubuntu LiveCDs, torrented Star Trek episodes, Twitter mentions by @wilw–notably, these are all free things full of much awesome. It doesn't take much to make us happy. And girl nerds like getting cardboard cutouts of Captain Picard. True story. Got one when I was 13 for Xmas.)

    • Never mess with a girl's Enterprise captain. One of my former coworkers used to have a life sized cutout of Kirk in her lab. She got very stabby when the corporate suits told her to take it out, citing "safety reasons".

  17. So Josh wants to be balls-deep in the Large Hardon Collider? (I'm surprised I'm the first to make the joke; guys, I am disappoint.)

    Joel's expressions of increasing frustration and despair are fantastic. I lol'd.

  18. Where does Josh get these naked God pics? Is the beard artfully and delicately placed or are we talking full-god-frontal?

    Also absolutely love the expressions in this strip. Brilliant. I also lol'd

    And I'm totally stealing "I'm going to teabag the large hadron collider!" for my bloke. He'll love that.

  20. You're almost right, except Tory would ride one of the bikes around the loop and get distracted. Once distracted he'd go off course and plow teeth first into one of the many solid heavy pipes, both announcer and team would laugh. Which has the bonus effect of causing an unnamed member to jiggle in the happiest of ways.

  21. As something of a side note, why is it they keep enlarging the particle accelerators? We need to miniaturize these things, how the hell else am I going to get the tech I need to become a Ghostbuster?

  22. I think it is important to know more about these "naked pictures of God" Josh has. Are we talking God as Morgan Freeman, Alanis Morissette, or George Burns? The difference matters.

  23. Holiday cards – first I was going to suggest Grovrfield + Santa hat – because it's a big year for Abrams, and I'm sure he'd like one to match his T-shirt. (not sure where I heard that, though)
    Second suggestion – unicorn pooping presents instead of rainbows.
    Third suggestion – and I apologize if this is offensive – perspective: on the floor in front of the tree, like a little kid. Joel and Eli are cowering with pained looks on their faces. Josh is dressed as an angel and is "somehow" on the top of the tree.

    • Actually, if that Soviet dude is any indication, it won't hurt and it will be kind of like looking into the junk of God–but then Josh's balls are going to swell to the size of watermelons and slowly necrotize over the next two years.

  29. Any number of things would happen. Being hit by microscopic particles is no different than being hit by microwaves or radio waves or any other form of microscopic radiation. It's highly likely the particles would enter your skin, muscle, bone, any other tissue you put in front of the beam and either burn of rapidly, become radioactive or simply pass through and do nothing. The only way to find our for sure is to test it and find out. Supposition, even by professionals, is still only supposition.

  30. I've often heard them say that the LHC would lead to the God particle or basically prove or disprove God. I did my own experiment. I read the last balloon, "teabag and naked pictures of God", out loud several time almost peeing my pants. Nope, not once, did I get struck by lightening! There you have it. Draw your own conclusions.

  33. It would transport your to a Star Trek themed Spring Break party with your host Captain Jean luc Bacardi (or would it be Picardi)

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