Get To The Crapper!

Alternate title: “I Ain’t Got Time To Pee”

100% true story from the very first con at which I ever exhibited (except David wasn’t actually there). Something about a pink human dick emerging between a Predator’s legs made it seems like either A) This Predator has a really small, really fucked up dick, or B) This Predator has eaten a human, and it’s attempting to escape out of the Predator’s vagina, dick first. YES there are lady Predators, you xenomisogynists.

At least a dozen of you DEMANDED that I make a shirt based on this comic, SO I DID. If I don’t sell at least a dozen I will brand the 12 of you as liars and scoundrels for time in perpetuity.


I also made you this super cute Adventure Time/Doctor Who shirt. GO BUY IT! 


I have 3 submissions for the Fancy Fan Art Contest. I NEED MORE! “But, Joel! I don’t know how to art!” you say? TOO BAD! YOU ARE NOT EXEMPT! Write a poem! Write a song! Bake a cake! Knit a scarf! The more creative the better! RULES, PRIZES AND DETAILS HERE. 

The most recent HijiNKS HANGOUT is archived HERE and features me, Mikey Neumann and Stepto trying to figure out where Star Trek Into Darkness fits into the “quality pantheon” of Star Trek films.

hijinks hangout 2 Star Trek Into Darkness - Screen Shot 2014-05-22 at 6.55.44 PM


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  1. Man, that cosplayer is a quitter. Everyone KNOWS Predators have a bunch of barbs down there, he could atleast have stuffed some fishing hooks down his shorts. Anyone who isnt willing to undergo genital mutilation for their fandom is a poser. There, I said it.

  2. Comic and title made me laugh. Alt-text made me guffaw.

    And since my back is effed up right now, the laughter was painful and the guffaw was a shoulder cannon blast to the lumbar. Good job!

  3. I love this comic so much right now. Also, I can't help but imagine other non-human character cosplayers peeing now… Thank you.

  4. You think that's bad? I saw an Alien cosplayer peeing, and his dick opened up, revealing a smaller dick that peed acid. I had to move to the next adjoining urinal because the splash-back was making holes in my shoes.

  5. NOT cool, man. Granted, that Predator committed a serious faux pas in taking the urinal IMMEDIATELY next to you–which is forbidden in all cases except dire emergency, and even then you should proceed to a stall instead if at all possible–but when such a situation must be, the both of you should be looking directly at the wall ahead, as if, as Dave Barry put it, "the grout between the tiles is inscribed with the secret alchemical formula for turning Grape Nuts into platinum. Death before eye contact."

    The men's room is a complicated place. But it's for the good of us all.

    • "The men's room is a complicated place."

      Not really, same rules as taking a test in school; eyes front on your own work, no talking. How is that complicated?

  6. wait, so how's joel peeing after his penis and pelvis got crushed into oblivion by that fatass cat of eli's? or is he just spraying it all over the place in general and hoping that some lands in the latrine?

  7. "or is he just spraying it all over the place in general and hoping that some lands in the latrine?"

    If the evidence I've seen in every men's room is anything to go by, I thought most dudes were already doing that.

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