Come with me if you want to love

His CPU is a neural net processor, a learning computer. You honestly have no idea how many times I’ve seen that movie. Let’s just say the number of times was a lot. A lot of times. Google is definitely trying to buy part of the air or the waves or the bleep-bloops or something. Google’s open mobile handset os platform strategic initiative alliance (they should have called it GOMHOPSIA), dubbed Android, is poised to create a very attractive, very open alternative to Windows Mobile 6 (they should call it Windows Mobile Sux… are ya’ with me? Ha ha… right?) and the iPhone. One speculation is that they are bidding on the 700mhz squiggly lines because they intend to go forward WITHOUT a cell phone carrier to partner with. How rad would that be? Super rad. I hope they don’t even charge for cell service and instead Android listens to your calls and targets ads to you based on what you talked about that day. Like if you have a 2 hour break up call with your girlfriend, Android can txt msg you with alcohol and hooker ads. If you were about to say “Super Rad,” we are on the same page. If Google does end up building a real android, I hope it comes out more like Data than Lore. Lore was intensely clever but ultimately evil. Data played the violin and loved his cat. He wasn’t that great of a whistler but he never fed a colony to a space dwelling entity, did he? I’m sure Dr. Soong’s Christmas family newsletters were primarily full of Data related news.

The Soongs have had a blessed year. Data received another commendation from Starfleet this year. He was promoted to Commander, he mastered over 600 styles of classical painting, learned to dream, created a daughter, made sweet love to a lesbian security officer and bested evil holodeck characters on 4 separate occasions. Lore killed a planet. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

(If none of that last bit made sense, start reading here.)

Here’s the webcomic remix blank

Have fun with it and email your entries to comics(at)hijinksensue(dot)com before Monday.

I only got 1 entry for the Doug Morris comic remix. If anyone else wants to submit one, let me know and I will hold off on posting it. Here’s the blank again.

2 Girls, 1 Cup, 6 Senses

I was first “Goatse‘d” back in the year Nineteen hundred and Ninety Nine, followed shortly by a rousing “Tubgirl‘ing.” I was in intensive care for 3 months. Another 18 months of recuperative therapy and I had almost regained my vision and ability to comprehend language. You see, my brain had simply refused to go on. “Game over, man. Game over. I quit,” says my brain. I would have taken a holiday too if I’d been in his shoes.

That was traumatic, but apparently not EXTREME enough for today’s hip internet youth. Now they have to Rickroll each other into watching some sort of girl-on-girl fecal fetish video that reminds me of the soft serve machine at The Golden Coral. What’s wrong with the youth of this internet.

Here’s me as an old man on a porch,

“In my day we showed our friends still pictures… JPEGs of men with gaping anuses. We didn’t have these online moving pictures to torture anyone with. We’d IM somebody with “Hey, check out this hottie,” then we’d send him a link to a picture of a girl in a bath wearing a stocking on her head and geysering a shit fountain into her own face. It was a simpler time.”

As far as memes go, 2 girls 1 cup is a great way to close out 2007. Let’s go ahead and put a moritorium on memes for the rest of the year. Let’s ride this one out into January, then get back together as a group and decide if we want any more. The same process that brought us Laugh Out Loud Felines, has also caused me to know what it looks like when women that have been eating shit throw up on each other. That’s unacceptable, internet. You should know better.

I guess the guy that “directed it” is in trouble. All I know is Jacky needs to talk to somebody.

Also, “2 girls, 1 cup” sounds like a great name for a lesbian coffee shop.

Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people’s medicine for fuel

Remember back when the Simpsons was funny? If you weren’t around in 1996, then you don’t. Supposing you were, remember the episode where Smithers goes on a gay cruise and Homer takes over as Mr. Burns’ assistant, then he punches Mr. Burns and Burns decides to take care of business for himself? Remember how funny it was to see someone so blinded by their own wealth and status that they had completely missed the world changing around them? He was disconnected and irrelevant, almost incapable of functioning in the modern world. Remember how that wasn’t funny at all because it was totally true and just happened for real?

(DAH DAH DAHHHHNNNNNN!)

Doug Morris is the Chairmen and CEO of Universal Music Group, the largest record company in the world. It’s safe to say that he has more than a persuasive voice when it comes to how music is distributed, and how artists are treated. According to an article in December’s WIRED magazine, Morris doesn’t know shit from shinola when it comes to the interborgz, and iPodz, and digical musics and such.

He seems to view the internet and digital distribution as something to be feared with ones eyes averted, much like a 17th century farmer faced with some sort of vengeful hoofed Goat-God. The interview reminds me of Ted Stevens when he told a room full of the most powerful people in the nation that the internet was a series of tubes. At first you’re all, “Awwwww, Grampa doesn’t understand the internet.” Then you’re all, “Holy Shit! “Grampa Tubes” is IN CHARGE of the internet!? OMGWTFINTERNET!?”

Joco had some thoughts about the story from a troubadour’s perspective. He also posted some choice quotes from the article which I will now repost (but you should still go read them on his site and buy some of his songs.)

“There’s no one in the record industry that’s a technologist,” Morris explains. “That’s a misconception writers make all the time, that the record industry missed this. They didn’t. They just didn’t know what to do. It’s like if you were suddenly asked to operate on your dog to remove his kidney. What would you do?”

Personally, I would hire a vet. But to Morris, even that wasn’t an option. “We didn’t know who to hire,” he says, becoming more agitated. “I wouldn’t be able to recognize a good technology person — anyone with a good bullshit story would have gotten past me.”

It’s not really fair to poke fun I suppose. Our kids will laugh when we’re 60 and we don’t know which button turns on the garbage disposal and which one vents plasma from the starboard nacelles.

When you can see the giraffe’s eyes, it’s already too late

They’ve been talking up this OLPC (One Laptop Per Child) for over a year now. What was originally a sub $1oo computer designed specifically for the 3rd world, is now a $200 geek project box. As a toy these things are incredibly cool. Low power consumption, Linux OS, solid state drive, and mesh networking are all neat ideas but I can’t help wonder if this initiative is misplaced.

I get where the are coming from. If each child in a developing nation had a laptop, they could reach out to the world and find out just how terrible their lives really are by comparison. Maybe they could blog about unimaginable poverty and starvation. Or AIDS! They could blog about a 50% AIDS infection rate. I’m not trying to poopoo on the OLPC parade but I think its all a little idealistic. The fact that nerds are buying these to play with shows how great the separation is between “us” and “them.” We have so much money that we buy EXTRA computers that we don’t need just to play with. I bet most of the OLPCs bought by American’s this month will either end up as iTunes servers or under the NES and GENESIS in the closet. I bet the ones that make it to impoverished nations will be captured by drug lords and/or sold for food.

The hierarchy of human needs doesn’t allow for actualization during a struggle for survival. Only when survival is a relative given can we worry about bettering ourselves. I really do support what they are doing but it sounds a lot like “give all the sick children new designer sweaters! Like Bill Cosby wore!” It’s just not what they need. Potable water might be a better place to start.

On a side note, the sickliness of my clan over the holiday weekend left me with two options. No comic, or cannibalize a previous one. So there you go. Don’t look at me like that. Your eyes are like shame-daggers.

DJ Jonathan Feinstein, hit me with the remix!

Here’s the remix blank for today’s comic. Have fun with it, get creative and email the result to comics at hijinksensue.com. You can change anything you want, not just the text. Go crazy. Surprise me. Have them in before Thursday.

Happy Thanksgravy!

You know as well as I do that it’s got nothing to do with the turkey. Its ALL about the gravy. I hope you are all happy and satisfied now that you’ve had two days to digest your meats and starches. My friend, Corn Mo, texted me with “I’m thankful for good times with friends and meats. Love Mo.” That pretty much sums up the holiday. That and gravy. Don’t forget the gravy. I prefer giblet gravy. You see, it’s not enough that I poor gravy on my meats. I want the gravy itself to contain its own reserve supply of meat parts.

Today’s illustration was inspired by a conversation I had with Josh, Eli and a few other friends at an OMGWTFBBQ restaurant a few weeks ago. It started with the revelation that Josh has h4x0red the normal gravy supply regimen at Popeye’s Chicken. Where as they would normally give him one gravy and one dipping sauce with his chicken fingers, he has perfected a script that allows him, through trickery, to forsake the dipping sauce for an additional serving of gravy. I think puppy-dog eyes and whimpering are involved.

We postulated that he should just ask for a jumbo drink cup (think 32oz or more) then demand it be filled with their finest gravies. A kingly proclamation to be sure. Then the conversation devolved into lunacy when I concocted a rediculous scenario where the Gulf Coast was decimated not by a female hurricane but instead by some sort of fanciful gravy tsunami. The only solution being to fly Josh in by emergency ROFLCOPTER with an ample supply of biscuits to “sop up” the devastation.

I think we ended it on the (very real) possibility that Josh could be convinced to do gravy shots. He emailed me the proof the next day.

“Love that gravy from Popeye’s!”