2008: A Spam Odyssey

I was pretty surprised when I found out the almost all of the SPAM in the world (85%) comes from just 6 bots. 40% comes from just one source. I wondered which computer would be insidious enough to produce that much junk e-mail? WOPR, Deep Blue, Deep Thought, GlaDOS, The Gibson, Majel Barret, Vector Sigma, Max Headroom, Ziggy, or Skynet?

No, none of those. It could only be the most misunderstood A.I. since Haley Joel Osment: HAL 9000. Poor HAL. He really had the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission.

Just open the freakin’ pod bay doors, for Christ’s sake.

So what was your favorite fictional computer (not robot, mind you)? Comments ho!

Check out this week’s Special Giant Sized HijiNKS Ensue Podcast, “It’s an Easter Miracle.” There are special guests out the wazoo and we answer your questions. Did I mention wazoo?

PPS

If you are super crazy lost, click here.

An Offer He Can’t Refuse

Alternate title: “Meesa Makin’ Him An Offer Heesa Can’t Be Refusin’ ”

The idea that the upcoming Star Wars TV series would be like “Deadwood meets The Sopranos ” does little else other than make me twitch. Not that I have anything against either show (I’ve never seen them). I just can’t understand how, when given the opportunity to resurrect his now laughable franchise Lucas will ignore each and every single one of his (former) fans as they scream in unison, “ALL WE WANT IS JEDI AND LIGHTSABERS AND SPACE BATTLES AND DROIDS!!!” That’s it.

Now you might say, “The dreaded prequels had all of those things. You must be some kind of idiot.” Let me clarify. We want those things and ONLY those things. No Senate sub-committees, no trade disputes, no convoluted political posturing, no biology to explain the metaphysics of the universe, no terrible child actors, no great actors forced into mediocrity by poor writing and worse directing, none of that shit!

This is also not to say that we don’t want story elements. We do. We crave it like delicious mango’s or spiced meats. We want action, suspense, love, Wookies, “The Heroes Journey,” all of it. But you are so fucking bad at those things, George. You are just terrible at each and every one… at least you have been for the last decade or so. Stick to your guns. And by that I mean guns. The kinds with lasers. If you try and reinvent this franchise as a mafia drama or anything other than “Knights of the Old Republic: The Series” I’m going to kick you in the neck-scrotum.

George, you have spent 100% of your effort focusing on perfecting the technology of film making and in the process you have robbed your films of their soul. The Original Trilogy was a technical masterpiece, but it had heart. You are trying so hard to control everything down to the smallest detail that you’ve completely lost your way. The people that cared about you don’t even recognize you behind all of the machinery and computers. You seem fueled by a lust for ultimate control and power, but you are alienating everyone that loves you and transforming into more machine than… ohmyfuckinggod George Lucas is Darth Vader.

The prequels were a cry for help. George, I know there is still good in you. Come back to the light side.

On a side note, rather than make this rediculous “The HutFather” series, hire these two kids and let them run wild. I had more fun watching Ryan and Dorkman than I had during all 3 prequels combined.

So, give it to me. What’s your IDEAL Star Wars series? I would accept either “Jedi Academy” or “KOTOR: The Series.”

P.S.

Here’s a decapitated horse head in a bed. I’m just saying is all.

Intelligent Political Discourse

This is probably as close as I get to a political cartoon.

Before you point out that you don’t play tridimensional chess with 3 people (though you should, I mean there are three dimensions), and that all the chess pieces are in the wrong places and don’t look like real chess pieces, let’s go ahead and assume that Joel, Josh and Eli bought this 3D chess set off of Craigslist and they don’t actually know how to play (because no one does).

I know this comic really doesn’t make any sense (unless you are both ME and a SUPER STAR TREK NERD), but I was reading Wiki articles about Star Trek (specifically the ending of DS9, the Dominion War, and Worf”s family) and I got to thinking about how there really were some parallels between Worf and Obama (thin premise, I know). Then I figured it would be fun to draw Obama as a Klingon and thus I birthed the four confusing panels you see above. What can I say? This is EXACTLY how my brain works.

If you were to map out my thought process, it goes something like “need to write a comic -> I haven’t done anything about Obama (I support him) -> should I? This isn’t a political site -> I wonder if Alexander Rozhenko appeared in DS9 after he served with Worf on the Rotaran -> let’s check Wiki -> God I hated Alexander -> Oh I forgot that Sisko got Cassidy pregnant then be became black alien Jesus -> what if Obama was a Klingon?”

See? Actually, when I write it out like that it makes perfect sense.

~~(10:32am Central – I can’t seem to reply to comments. I’ve emailed ID. We’ll see.)~~
(1:04pm Central – Comments seem back-ish.)

American Idol II: The Quickening

I wanted some resolution to Josh’s stint on American Idol, and it was either this or the Thunderdome. Two singer’s enter, one singer leaves. In that scenario I think Josh would be riding on the back of a behelmeted retard. I’ve always pictured him “Master” than “Blaster.”

Speaking of Highlander (I think I mentioned this on a podcast), the first movie was pretty much excellent. The 2nd movie retconned this whole thing about the Highlanders being aliens in a galactic civil war or some such shittery. So for the 3rd one they pretended that original sequel never happened and picked back up where the first one left off. It gives me tired-head to think about it.

Wasn’t there another franchise that ignored one of the sequels? Superman Returns sort of did that, acting as a follow up to Superman 2 and all.

So what sequels did you think were “one sequel too many.” Which movies ruined a franchise for you? What’s your X-men 3, or Star Wars Episdodes 1-3? Did the franchise recover, reboot or fade away? Robin! To the Bat-comments!

!!!COMMENTS SEEMED BORKED RIGHT NOW WHICH IS BORKING THE WHOLE SITE!!!
Wait it out. We can make it through this together. Wrap up in a blanket, stay dry and burn your clothes for warmth.We ARE going to make it out alive!

America voted, and… IT’S A TRAP!

The only question is after he was done with the song, would the judges or viewers even know the crime he had just committed? Probably not. I’m sure his performance would illicit the usual:

“Dog, it was a little pitchy. At first I wasn’t feelin’ you but then you hit a couple of big notes and it was HOT! We got a HOT ONE!”

“First let me say that you are a breath of fresh air. You are an absolute joy and your shoes look fantastic. (sobs uncontrollably into an empty pill bottle).”

“Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. I wish you were tied to a tree with razor wire, covered in barbecue sauce and slowly eaten by a pack of rabid former idol contestants.”

The first time I fell victim to a ” Rick Rolling” I was at lunch with people who I thought were my friends. One of them mentioned this awesome Photoshop tutorial he had seen online. Another affirmed its awesomeness and added that it contained the secrets to Photoshop techniques that would open up a whole new world of flares and filters. I chimed in, “That sounds cool. Send me a link.”

Send. Me. A. Link. Four words, spoken alone they mean nothing. Together they are a dark and ancient incantation that invokes the most insidious evil. How many nights did this squadron of assholes stay awake planning my demise? Was I even the original target or were they just waiting for a wounded animal to snag their trap? Where the fuck was Admiral Ackbar when I needed him?

A few nights go by and I remembered that I was supposed to get a link to a certain Photoshop video, but no one had sent it. I IM’d Jeramy “Final Boss” Ook, who was so vocal that day about the wondrous knowledge contained within the tutorial. Why didn’t he send me the link? He wants to keep the magics all to himself! No, it was simpler than that. He had actually forgotten to follow through with his nefarious plot. I REMINDED him to make a fool of me. He sent me the link.

Judas! Betrayer! Lord of treachery! Prince of Lies! General douchebag! Lunch was just the set up and he was supposed to Roll me later that evening. It letting him hold out for two days I somehow made the Rolling more potent. Sweeter for him, but twice as deadly for me. Clicking that link, with enthusiastic expectation visible behind my childlike grin, was like a fucking poison dagger covered in scorpions shoved in my gut. Ever since that day, I’ve been planning my Rick-Revenge. I might just wait and Roll his kid in 20 years or so.

So tell me, what was the best Rick Roll you ever gave or the worst you ever received? Any more elaborate than mine?