Chapters: HijiNKS ENSUE Classic

I’m Going To See “The Clone Wars” Ziro Times

It’s hard to call George Lucas a racist or a bigot becuase I get the impression he really has no idea what he’s doing. Remember those interviews a few years ago with Michael Jackson where you really started to believe that he had NO IDEA that he was, in fact, a pedophile? I feel the same way about G.L. He seems completely oblivious to the effect his meddling has had on his once beloved franchise.

This guy practically had Jar Jar dancing a soft shoe, and singing “Mammy” in black face. He’s completely gone. I guarantee you he has some bullshit philosophy that “it’s not even the same galaxy, so Earth’s racial and sexual stereotypes have no relevance. Anyway let’s get ready to shoot the cross burning on Tatooine.”

So now he’s made the first flaming Hutt (that has to be a drink at the Mos Eisley Cantina). Again, I assume he has no idea what he’s done. The conversation went like this:

GL: “Guys, for Jabba’s Uncle Ziro, I want him to be purple, wear make up, have feathers in his hair, be very effeminate and for good measure let’s give him the distinctive voice of a famous homosexual author.”

Guys: “Isn’t that… going to offend gays?”

GL: “This is a long time ago in a galaxy far away! Why do I have to tell you this every day?! There is no predjudice against space-gays in the Star Wars Universe. IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON!”

Then he stomps a whole in the ground and turns to stone.

When I saw Gendy Tartakovsky’s animated “Clone Wars” on Cartoon Network, I was convinced that it was a positive turning point for Star Wars. The stylized animation was distinct and likable, the voice acting was, at times, excellent and the stories the series told were compelling. Mace Windu took out an entire droid army by himself. It was awesome.

When I found out they were remaking the series as a CGI movie (with a new tv series to follow) I groaned that same “Lucas can’t leave well enough alone” groan I’ve been groaning for years.

Sure enough, the reviews are confirming my fears. Many of you will say, “I don’t read reviews. I see the movie and decide for myself.” Be my guest.

Links:

Tropic Chunder?

$10 says Mad Magazine or Cracked use that same title.

When I say that many of these comics are autobiographical, please believe me. For not one, not two, but three of my friends approached me with roughly the same review of “Tropic Thunder.” It just so happens they were the three featured regularly in HijiNKS Ensue. I hope when I have lunch with them later today I might actually learn if they thought it was a good movie.

Eli said basically what I portrayed in the panels above. He speaks in cryptic riddles and half truths. I think I’m supposed to find an amulet to decode what he tells me.

Denise was actually the one that suggested Eli might have been talking about “unicorn vomit” as opposed to his own, or someone else’s. Somehow, in her world, this suggests a shift from a negative connotation (throwing up in your own mouth) to a positive one (finding that there is mythical horned horse vomit in your mouth). As if the response to that discovery would be “Mmm, delightful!”

Denise also proposed that “Tropic Thunder” was made by 12 year olds with access to high explosives. Again, I think she meant this as a compliment to the film makers.

I’m so confused.

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“Tropic Thunder” sounds like a sports drink that might actually be “enfused” with unicorn vomit.

SAVE HIJINKS ENSUE UPDATE

As of this post, Monthly Donation Subscriptions are at $400/mo and One Time Donations have reached $1897 since the beginning of The Experiment 4 months ago.

If the Monthly Subscription Donations can reach $1000 by the end of August, I can almost definitely continue the Experiment through September.

A few of you have asked what to do if you want to subscribe for more than the amounts listed on the Donations page. What a wonderful question! If you want to subscribe for, say, $30 you can set up subscriptions for $10 and $20. Paypal shouldn’t have a problem with that.

Thanks for your continued support!

Can You Dig It?

I battled a serious case of writer’s block today. I had roughed out 4 or 5 comic ideas but none of them ever gelled. Josh suggested I do a fart joke and be done with it. I didn’t want to cop out quite that hard, but as a tribute to my day of desperation and to his flatulent suggestion, I threw one in the first panel.

I’d like to think Isaac Hayes was floating around in some sort of Soulicious Chocolate Funk Heaven, the kind of place where Bootsy Collins, not St. Peter, would greet you at the pearly entrance to the Eternal Life Funkdubious Mothership Spacegasm. Alas, Mr. Hayes was a Sci-Lon. You’d think he could have warded of the brainwashing powers of the “Church of Scientolgy” with his Sex-Machine powers or his ability to “not cop out when there’s danger all about.” (I know the song isn’t about HIM but… isn’t it, though?)

At least Sci-Lon’s believe in a type of reincarnation (it litterally involves a trip to Venus to have your soul refitted with a new “meat-body”). He could already be back. If you see a 2 day old baby with a deep, soulful voice, a willingness to risk his neck for his brother man and just a little more facial hair that you would expect from an infant, that’s probably him.

Ya’ damn right.

Special Effing X

I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords. I missed the actual opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, but the photos alone were enough to blow my mind. Josh has an HD rip of the whole thing, so I’ll probably get to “experience the mindsplode” eventually.

After writing this comic I found that Eli’s assumption wasn’t too far off. Apparantly there were some CG Chinanigans.

I turned on the games last night just in time to catch the US Swim Relay team… swim… really well. I don’t much about sports and I’m certainly not enthusiastic about The Olmpics, but I found myself glued to the TV watching these dudes swim. It was mesmerizing. One lap in that pool would have put me in the hospital. They did MORE THAN ONE. LOTS MORE! It was really quite a spectacle to behold. I guess there is something laudable about attaining a machine-like endurance and reaching near perfect physical condition. It doesn’t make me feel patriotic or “more American” to see the US athletes take home Gold, but it certainly seemed like it took more effort than, say, a football game. So I can appreciate their accomplishments.

SAVE HIJINKS ENSUE UPDATE!!!

As of this post Monthly Subscription Donations are at: $380. The goal is to get as close to $2500 as possible in the next few weeks in order to keep HijiNKS Ensue as my full time job.

Thanks to all that have already donated, sent an encouraging email or spread the word on their blog, forum or website. Your support means everything to me.

I Want You To Curve The Bullshit

News Version: Morgan Freeman crashed a car and had to pried out with the jaws of life.
True Version: Lucious Fox was testing a new TUMBLER for Bruce Wayne and had a problem merging.

News Version: Shia Labeouf got drunk and wrapped his car around a tree, crush his hand and may lose a finger.
True Version: Bumblebee got drunk on Energon Cubes, kidnapped Labeouf, wrapped himself around a tree and bit off Shia’s hand in a drunken fit.

Come on, Angelina! Society craves suffering in 3’s! Give is the hat-trick! I actually feel bad about making light of Morgan Freeman‘s recent hardships. He’s proved himself to be a badass or more than one occaision (let’s not speak of “The Bucket List.”)

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REMINDER!!!
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