Shit Happenings

See what I did there? There was a twist ending. The comic wasn’t about “The Happening” at all! Boosh.

“Wayne’s World” played a pivotal role in the early development of my sense of humor. It was the only movie I ever owned on VHS. I watched it every day after school (sometimes twice) for months after I got it. I didn’t even understand 2/3 of the jokes at age 11 (I didn’t know much about Alice Cooper or why it isn’t cool to play “Stairway” in a guitar shop), but that didn’t stop me from memorizing the movie word for word (even the Cantonese) and reciting it to my friends. It introduced me to a style of parody and non sequitur that I still use every day, especially in this comic. For those reasons I can forgive Mike Myers. He gets a free pass to comedy heaven as far as I’m concerned. But, let’s make sure he gets there soon… somebody please kill him* for making “The Love Guru.”

I love the headline from this Aint it Cool News review: ‘If Shit Got THE LOVE GURU On It, Shit Would Wipe It Off!’

At least it’s not making any money. That should (hopefully) crush any chances of a sequel.  Mike Myers and sequels are not a good combination. He’s invented two characters that are forever emblazoned on the American pop culture psyche, and have added a slew of words to our collective lexicon (Shwing!, Party On, Asphinctersayswhat, Shagadellic, Oh Behave, Do I make you horny?, etc.). You might be tired of these phrases but that’s most likely due to their overuse in their films’ repsective sequels.

“Wayne’s World” and “Austin Powers: IMoM” were both comedic masterpieces. Expertly exectued in every way. “Wayne’s World 2” was “All the Jokes from Wayne’s World” – Rob Lowe + Christopher Walken. It’s watchable, but only on a Saturday afternoon when it’s coming on TBS and nothing else is on. “Austin Powers” 2 and 3 might have actually been shot from the same script as the original. Take one part “Austin Powers,” mix with 2 parts midget jokes, twice the number of dick jokes as needed, 2 giant handfuls of recycled catch phrases and mix vigorously until you feel ashamed. Feel free to substitute leggy British brunette for mentally retarded blonde or mentally retarded Beyonce Knowels (who is just terrible. Like, at everything).

“The Love Guru” seems to have surpassed his previous formula in terms of shittiness by no less than 200,000 percent.

Mike Myers + funny hair + funny makeup + funny accent + mild to moderate racism + Hottish female lead + midget + dick jokes + disgusting physical or anotomy gag + having a hard time riding around in amusing transportation + celebrity cameos + dick jokes… OK, that IS the formula for “Austin Powers”. I guess lightning doesn’t strike twice. Or if it does, the second time instead of lighting it’s a shitty movie.

Mike Myers’ Career 1989-2008

*That’s a joke. Please don’t kill Mike Myers or anyone else in the name of HijiNKS Ensue. That would suck.

P.S.

“The Happening” also sucks.

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97 Comments

  2. Reason #836012 why I prefer watching movies at home. Adult beverages are close by to make almost anything more amusing and if that fails – I can always turn it off.

    Also, no one claps.

  3. Samalanalan movies are fine; I don't see why everyone gets a spastic colon about them. Even, the Village, was pretty good–what the fuck are people expecting from his movies? Poltergeist meets Rear Window? Mike Myers was never particularly funny. His sense of humor has always been, and is still, dismissive and reductive. I could take five Anna Farris to every one of him. Plus, he's a canadian. – I don't think we should be sending our American dollars overseas.

  4. I agree with iptydafu about Shyamalan's films. I've liked all of them including "The Happening." I'm not sure why people are so down on him and his films. They can't all be "The Sixth Sense," but I've enjoyed all of them. "Unbreakable" is one of my favorite films.

    My wife and I saw "The Strangers" this weekend. There's 90 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. It was my wife's idea, she loves horror films. When it was over, I just looked over at her and said, "You owe me BIG."

  6. Denise's smug pleasure at Joel's silence is quite wonderful.

    And Eli's demise in panels 3&4 is just perfect. Great timing (if you can say that about a comic) and fine use of slightly shifted POV!

  7. Jesus, have any of you seen 'Don't Mess With The Zohan'? I'm pretty sure that's worse than 'The Love Guru'. The plot is just Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider ripping on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict for and hour and a half which involves making a shit load of stereotypical jokes. It had a few moments but for the most part I'd prefer Spider Monkeys fuck my eyes out…

  8. I'm sure that the Zohan is worse than the Love Guru, but it's not as painful because, unlike Mike Myers, Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider have NEVER made funny movies. I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who still suck The Wedding Singer's dick, but it's true. Mike Myers, we used to be able to expect comedic greatness from. Schneiderp? Not so much.

  10. Ha. Are you doing something different with the art this time? Joel and Denise (again) look a bit different, but that might be cause Joel can't talk.

  13. Shyamalan has been going downhill for a while, but the happening really over does it. Signs at least had good suspense, village less so. But allergic to water?? Really? Plus the suits in the village, come on. The happening made me laugh, at least.

  16. I had such high hopes for M. Knight after 6th Sense and Unbreakable but he turned out to be a one trick pony. Mike Myers series of bad decisions is just unfortunate. He was a comedy innovator.

  17. We had this discussion after Hulk when 3 little kids were allowed to hit the screen with plastic swords during the whole movie. I hate the theater, I hate the theater experience, I hate GOING to the theater and I had the price of admission and concessions. Watching a movie at home is ALWAYS preferred.

  22. Both The Love Guru and The Happening are made by people who have gone well past their peak. It would be a mercy killing to kill Meyers and Shyamalan. I don't officially endorse it but I wouldn't mind it.

  23. I really like The Wedding Singer. When I was 14 I loved Billy Maddison and Happy Gilmore, so they hold a special place for me. Other than that his movies havent been that great. There was pretty much nothing anyone could have ever done to make me see "The Zohan."

  30. It really is unfortunate because they were both people who showed so much promise and delivered upon it for a while but eventually just fell into the same old habits.

  31. I loved The Wedding Singer too, but it came out when I was still fooling myself and thinking I liked girls, so I had a boy-crush on Drew Barrymore. Years later, after my baptism to fabulousness, I realized that I just really wanted to brush Drew's hair.

    Other Sandler movies are far too obnoxious and formulaic for me to fully enjoy. One exception is that one he made with one of the Wayans brothers, and its mostly because he gets a gun shoved up his ass.

  32. If Josh was fully in possession of his reason (is he really ever?), I'd imagine him doing the Goofy Holler after he realizes he walked off the building.

    Glad to see more of Denise and her apparent immunity to crap cinema.

  33. If Josh was fully in possession of his reason (is he really ever?), I'd imagine him doing the Goofy Holler after he realizes he walked off the building.

    Glad to see more of Denise and her apparent immunity to crap cinema.

  36. I'm fortunate to have moved near a theater chain where they make the saddest teenagers in the world sit in the theater and monitor the audience. They do a fairly good job of kicking out anyone who is making a disturbance. They aren't afraid to kick out children who are running around either.

  37. What's up with the rendition of Denise?

    In The-immaculate-extinction-theory she comes off looking like a chubby Lou Diamond Phillips circa Young Guns.

    Then in The-hosts-lament she's looking more slim and tom-boyish.

    Now in the most recent appearance she's got kind of a Quagmire face and she's gone up a cup size.

    May I recommend you delongate the face? And go ahead and bump her up another cup size. D-Nice.

    That's right, I said delongate. Jealous?

  39. Y'know, I've only seen 6th sense, so I couldn't say.

    Picasso supposedly said "Good artists copy. Great artists steal."

    You have stolen … wisely.

    The stillness in both panels 3&4 is set off very well by the implied action in between. And the void in the blood spatter just below Eli's arm is a nice detail.

  40. I suppose if someone were to kill Mike Myers, he could go hang out with his Liverpudlian dad and George Carlin.

    If one were to believe in afterlives, and the three of them would end up there.

    I'm a little sad now.

  41. I really didn't think Get Smart was that bad. It could be that I don't have a point of reference for it, having never seen the original (being a young'un), but I still think it was above average on it's own merits.

    The Happening, on the other hand, was….

    Oh, Wall-E is coming out this week, that should be sweet!

  42. Josh seems fully cognizant as he walks off the edge of the building! Very excellent. I do agree with whoshotinthewhatn- Denise is looking very different from last time…. though I do like the addition of her as a character- her sarcastic wit is very amusing.

  43. I Think M. Night's career path makes total sense if you reverse it. I expect his next film to be shot on 8mm with visible wires for special effects. When you look at it that way, its great that he ended his career on a high note with the Sixth Sense.

  44. For convenience, yes. But nothing can match the vibe of seeing a fun movie in a theater packed with people who are digging it. One of the best times I ever had was the first time I saw Aliens, at a theater on an air force base. When Ripley showed up in the power lifter and growled, "you get away from her you bitch!" I thought the roof was going to collapse, those motherfuckers were cheering so loud.

    Those are the moments that make it worth it. The gasp in Moulin Rouge when Ewan MacGregor tells the Count "Because she doesn't love you…er, him!" Or the titters at all the View Askewniverse shoutouts in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

    Though I admit a bad audience can just ruin it. At Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I laughed out loud when Christopher Lee showed up – hey, horror icon playing a sadistic dentist, that's funny! – and just got blank stares from everyone, while the cunt behind me went on telling her friends about what a great cosplay Wonka would make.

  57. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking it blew. I was seriously looking around at the people in the theater to make sure they were watching the same movie I was, and wondering how the hell they could be laughing and enjoying themselves. Maybe its just me and I expect a movie to actually be well crafted and not just automatically think its good because something is displayed on a big screen.

  58. There were guitar shops that banned people from playing certain songs in their stores when trying out guitars–"Stairway to Heaven" was one of the most frequently banned ones, because it was very popular with beginners and it drove the store staff nuts to hear the same opening bars over and over. Why they never instituted a similar ban on keyboardists playing "Heart And Soul" I will never know, but I wish they had.

  71. I didnt like it when it came out since I was expecting more Waynes World type comedy, but I saw it a few years ago and thought it was decent. The angle of him being a poet was odd, but amusing.

  72. As Tindomiel said, there are people that go to Guitar Center to buy guitars and a MUCH LARGER segment of people that go to be heard playing guitars. The #1 offenders when I worked at Guitar center in 99 were "One" by Metallica and anything by Limp Bizkit. Stairway is one of those songs like Sweet Home Alabama that everyone thinks they know how to play.

  75. I tend to agree with you about M Night. I'd rather watch someone try to make something big and weird and different and utterly fail then to watch some repackaged hollywood schlock.

    Mike Myers was ALWAYS particularly funny.

  77. Rereading the comic again (waiting for the Wed update..ahem…) I laughed all over again at Eli's face in the third panel. Joel is freaked out, Josh is discombobulated, but Eli just looks resigned to the fact that there is nothing left for him but the rusty maw of a lawn mower. Like he's thinking…"Well, I had a good run, and I always knew it would come to this. Let's do this thing"

  83. I unfortunately saw it with my family who loved it. It's an awkward car ride home when everyone is praising something for it's awfulness and you are the only person who saw it for a piece of shit it is. I expect more out of Steve Carell than lame physical humor, fat jokes, and vomit jokes.

    I also wanted to choke the nerdy guys from Heroes and Studio 60 anytime they showed up on screen.

  84. As long as people buy Blue Collar "Comedy" Tour DVDs, Dane Cook CDs, and watch Mind of Mencia people will feel it's acceptable to laugh at terrible humor that is recycled and unfunny.

  86. I was so excited to see this movie, and was pretty disappointed. However, I thought it was perhaps because the previews crammed every single funny moment into them and spoiled the whole thing. Now I know.

    (Liked Zohan a bit, even though it was stupid; really liked Get Smart, but it had been so long since I'd seen any episodes that I wasn't comparing. Husband, who remembers, was disappointed.)

  94. <grumpy old fart>In the days before home video, (most) people treated going to the movies as a very different thing from watching tv at home: folks were quiet except when reacting to the movie. Once people got used to watching at home, pausing, talking, etc., it seems like that way of watching carried over into the movie houses, with people feeling free to talk through the show.</grumpy old fart>

  95. Dang, you're like the Mel Gibson, Road Warrior character of the AMC movie circuit. –Check a text message (light pollution is a menace, as well) in the middle of Transformers 4, and suddenly… VrrrRRRROoooooOMMMmmmrrRRaaawwwRRRRwwwrawrrrmmRrrrrmMMMM! And there's Joel Watson, jumping some '78 Vega from the mezzanine with three front teeth missing, replaced with bullets, and a steel patch riveted into his skull where his left eye used to be.

  97. Don't you have to be good and make your own stuff instead of ripping off others to have a prime. *pointed look at M. Night"

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