Less Cylons, More Dick Jokes

Kevin Smith is set to direct an episode of Battlestar Galactica during its forth and final season. This could go either way. On the one hand, he’s obviously a fan so he will probably geek all over the script and try to do it justice. On the other hand we might see Baltar go to a donkey show, or Adama get tricked into having sex with Helen Tigh’s corpse.

The more I think about it the more I question the producers’ motives. Never once have wondered what BSG would be like if the dialog revolved more around “ejaculate” and what one might do with said “ejaculate” when in the presence of, let’s say, your mother.

He’s also doing an episode of Heroes Origins where he’s not only writing and directing but also creating the character. I’ve got some predictions on who is hero will be and what abilities they will have:

Comic book nerd. Born with a wedgie proof ass. No crack.
16 year old boy with super stretchy neck for auto-fellatio
Fat guy with a beard that wears a Batman Suit. No Powers.
Ben Afleck

Special thanks to everyone who voted for HijiNKS Ensue in Joystiq’s Weekend Webcomic Whimmy Wham Wham Wozzle. Look for a new comic on Thursay (and hopefully every Mondy and Thursday from here on out).

Update:

As I’m sure you’ve heard, the Kevin Smith BSG is NOT happening after all. A reader brought to my attention KS’s own take on the subject:

Kevin Says:
September 4th, 2007 at 8:29 am Well, Kevin Smith himself said on his blog that he’s NOT directing any BSG (even though he wanted to). Apparently there was a conflict.

“I get a message that “Battlestar Galactica” producer Ron Moore’s called, so I return the call and he tells me he’s sorry my directing stint on his program’s not gonna happen.”

http://silentbobspeaks.com/?p=346

Bioshockstume!

That title looks like it’s in German. Or Dutch.

I posted last week about how Josh unwittingly gained some internet infamy …interfamy when a picture of him dressed as Kratos from God of War was used in a humorous video game review video for Heavenly Sword. Worse yet, it was linked by Tycho on Penny Arcade’s site. Whether they realize it or not, the whole of the internet has seen Josh in red body paint wielding dual sickle-scythe’s.

The Kratos Halloween costume he crafted was actually pretty impressive. I believe that was the first time he shaved his head, and he hasn’t looked back since. Subsequently, he hasn’t NOT looked like a sexual predator since. He also took down a cyclops in an epic boss-battle. Ok, he actually assaulted a homeless veteran with an eye patch but Eli and I cheered him on all the same. He was so enthusiastic!

I have a feeling that the real version of the Big Daddy costume would involve more Scotch Tape and Reynold’s Wrap than welding torches and 75 year old underwater exploration equipment.

EDIT: There’s a story behind the cardboard Big Daddy. (via Destructoid)

Jurassic Park 4: Freakin’ Dinosaurs with Freakin’ Laser Beams

The pitch meeting goes something like this:

First Guy: How about we strap guns to the dinosaurs heads like in that 80’s cartoon DinoRiders!
Studio Exec. Guy: I love it! Get this man a solid gold prostitute!

Lesson 1: You stupid motherfuckers. Stop reanimating dinosaurs. It always leads to disaster.

After seeing Jurassic Park in middle school, I fully believed in that dinosaurs could be be reborn by having rain forest frogs hump mosquito DNA in a petri dish. But even at that tender age I assumed that the only reason no one was running out to collect frogs and mosquito blood and some Barry White CD’s was that once they succeeded all of their friends and family would get eaten.

Kindly refer back to Lesson 1. That’s the only lesson of that movie. That and to reinforce that when Samuel L. Jackson is NOT the star of the movie he WILL be killed by a dinosaur or a mutant shark or a by a Sith Lord. He will not survive to regale you with tales of how he narrowly escaped the dinosaurs and sharks and such. Wasn’t he in Sphere too?

Anyway, the point is after your Dino-speriments go all haywire and eat everybody on your island once, don’t keep putting them on an island and expecting positive results.

The Lost Word: Jurassic Park (0r JP2 ) started the downward trend for this franchise. Honestly. the Jurassic Park Sega Genesis game was 100 times better than this movie (you could play as the raptor!).

Jurassic Park 3: Raptors develop language. The language of love. And only William H. Macey can teach them to conjugate those verbs… I’ev got nothing… nevermind.

As for the comic, why didn’t I go with DinoRiders? Too obvious. Too easy. Plus Dinosaucers was a much better cartoon with a far superior theme song. You want a perfect scenario? You, your sister and your two teenage douchebag friends are hanging out on a mountain somewhere (probably getting high) and fucking dinosaurs from outer space land in a space ship, deputize you in their secret war, give you magic rings, rad letterman jackets AND hover bikes. Fuck Captain Planet. This is the team I want to join.

Project Cloverfield: Top Secret Bath Gel?

J.J. Abrams has been quite geek-prolific these last few years. I can almost forgive him for Felicity. I remember when I told Josh “Cloverfield” might be a Cthulhu movie. He shit out his soul right then and there. He has a plush version of the “Great Old One” on his desk.

Zachary Quinto being cast as Spock is an interesting and appropriate choice. Just look at the logic in those eyebrows!

In what may be his worst lapse in judgement (or anyone else’s for that matter), internets have it that J.J. wants to put Tom “Fear me for I am Galactic Space Lord Xenu!” Cruise in the new Trek as Captain Christopher Pike. People keep trying to find new and exhilarating ways to make me hate Star Trek. I hope they hobble that alien worshiping shit bag with a tire iron and stuff him in that beeping iron lung/washing machine from The Cage.

For what it’s worth, I think Wesley would turn out to be a Sith. He’s got daddy issues. If any Hollywood-types are interested, I am willing to sell the rights to “Geek-Splosion” and the geek-quel, “Geek-splosion II: Xena and the Highlander Race Light Cycles with Tron and the Goonies, and at least one of the Corey’s…..Seaquest, War Games, Last Starfighter.” Let me rifle through a box of old VHS in the garage and we can work out a deal for episodes 3 through 6 too.

“Bastian, say my name! Yeahhh. Say it, bitch. Momma like. Who’s your empress?”

Leeloo Dallas Multipass

I mentioned before that I was unable to attend San Diego Comic-Con 2007. This comic represents a fictionalized universe where “the crew” (you may also refer to them as “Teh b0yZ”) attends faithfully each year with coordinated costumes. I can only assume that in such a scenario one member would draw the proverbial short straw and be called upon to adopt an alternate gender roll. Comic-Con is generally in no short supply of men willing to do just that.

Though the mystery of the Blue Sun Corporation may never be revealed, Eli’s bit of Chinese cursing in the first panel does have a translation. 50 pts if you figure it out. You can apply those points towards your purchase of the Serenity: Special Edition DVD. Looks like our hopes of a BDS ride squarely on it.

Costume ideas that didn’t make it into the comic:

Angel, Wesley, Cordy
Buffy, Giles, Xander (eye-patchy Xander, otherwise how could you tell it was him?)
Zod, Ursa and Non
Marvel Zombies (Cap, Spidey and Sue Storm maybe)
American McGee’s Alice, Cheshire Cat and Hatter
Beatrix Kiddo, Bill, and a Crazy 88
The Ghostbusters (since Janean doesn’t count, I couldn’t do it)
Mr. Furious, The Shoveller and the Bowler (I wish I had done that one)

To make everything fit I had to remove the word (or exclamatory phrase), “Shenanigans!” from the last panel. I apologize, but I promise I will find a place for it in the near future.