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The Macbook Air is pretty and dumb


I was listening to the Webcomics Weekly Podcast and Scott Kurtz mentioned that he read a review of the Macbook Air where the reviewer described it as a “great fourth computer for a really rich person.” That pretty much sums up how I feel about the device. It’s a beautiful piece of technology, to be sure, but for all intents and purposes it’s basically useless. I’m not hating. This is not hatred you’re reading. It’s really just…meh. Once the “OMFG it’s thin and pretty!” wares off, there’s no real substance. Kind of like [insert hollywood rehab starlet du jour].

It’s a crippled (or crappled) Macbook. 1 USB port, No Firewire, no Mic/Line in, no Express Card slot, no upgradable memory, mono sound (speaker under the keyboard keys), and no optical drive. “It does’t need an optical drive,” you may say. “Why?” I would counter. “Because Steve said it doesn’t,” you point out. “Oh right,” I mumble. Then I back into a corner and weep. I love how Steve can do that. Just make something reality because he wills it so. “Optical drives are for assholes and pedophiles. You don’t need one. Hell, you don’t even want one.” Suddenly millions of Macboys rip their DVD drives and CD burners from their computer chassis like they were malignant and gangrenous.

I think I like it better if I imagine the Air, not as the world’s thinest laptop, but instead as the world’s biggest PDA, or most expensive, internet browsing cheese slicer. ZDNet says the Macbook Air is perfect for people who get $300 hair cuts… but they say that in a GOOD way. Like, “If you don’t get why this product is perfect, go shove your $40 hair cut up your ass!” TUAW gives a fair assessment stating that the Air is a second computer only and not a replacement for your main machine. I wouldnt consider it a replacement for my…shit, I already used cheese slicer…ok, something else thin and shiny. The only reason I would purchase one would be to put it in the AirMail sleeve and…shaving razor! I should have compared it to a… no, wait. I used that in the comic.

The best thing to come from the Air’s release so far is this post from Fake Steve Jobs.

It’s a no-compromise laptop that has the fastest processor ever invented, the most RAM available on any computer in the world, the best keyboard, the best screen, and the longest battery life of any laptop ever made, plus it’s thinner and lighter than any computer ever created in all of history.

Maybe I’m wrong about the Air. Tell you what. Purchase one and mail it to me with the receipt and I will give it an honest review. While you’re at it, throw in an iPhone. Mine has lost that “new iPhone” smell.

The Cloverfield Monster is Sexually Agressive


!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

Wait, that generally goes before the spoilers in question, doesn’t it? Oh well. I’ve ruined the most hyped movie ever for each of you. At least when you get to the theater you can watch all the unlucky numbskulls that have no idea what’s going to happen and gloat. Then, right about minute 31:24, you can stand up and yell, “I HOPE HE DOESN’T FUCK THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S HEAD OFF! THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE FOR OUR NATION!” Then it happens and you look like some kind of Nostradamus clairvoyant badass. Then the whole theater raises you aloft on their shoulders and sings songs of your praises and roasts pigs and pheasants in your honor.

J.J. Abrams has a stiffness in his pants for viral marketing. The Lost Experience was fun for about 30 seconds then it got to be like a second job with no pay and shitty hours. You’d be canceling plans with real people so you could decipher patterns in jpg artifacts, or decode numerological meanings behind secret whispered message played in reverse. It ended up being much easier to wait for the super internet squad to do all the work and post their findings on YouTube. In the end “the experience” gave away basically all the secrets of the island, the numbers, the universe and everything. The weird part is no one seems to remember any of the details since NONE of this information has ever been discussed in the show.

In like fashion, the viral marketing for Cloverfield has been permeating the very fiber of the intertron for the last 8 months or so. Hell, I was making fun of it back in August when we thought it was going to be a Cthulu movie (which would have been rad X infinity). It’s gone by the code names Slusho, 1-18-08 and Project Cloverfield (which was actually a mistake to begin with). I’m getting tired of this calculated and formulaic peaking of my geek interest through shakey-cam viral videos, and dummy websites.

I was seriously expecting to go to this movie, sit through the trailors, then get 30 minutes of black screen after which J.J. Abrams comes out and says, “Psyche” or possibly the more elegant, “Pwn3d.” Then maybe a banner than says “Star Trek: Christmas 2008.” Best. Viral. Ad. Ever.

Here’s some Cloverfield links to chew on while you wait to see the movie (some spoilers):

Macworld San Francisco 2008: The Omega Directive


That man simply can do no wrong. Even if he set events in motion that caused my blood to boil, rendering the surface of my skin into thirsty, crackling blisters and prompting me to claw it away in desperate madness hoping to somehow cease the burning that has both blinded me stricken me mute from screaming until my vocal chords swelled and burst and… you get the idea. I likes me some Steve. To borrow a phrase from Dave Chappelle, “Steve Jobs could fart in my dinner.”

The point I really want to illustrate is that regardless of what offering he bestows upon us, his humble flock, we will feast upon it with mouthes agape and unparalleled enthusiasm (and saliva). He could encase a turd in brushed aluminum and we would still buy it (as long as you could get the iTurd laser etched). It would require a proprietary video format, and headphones with an uncommonly small jack, but we would laud his genious while proclaiming on message boards that his iTurds don’t stink.

I’ve already ventured my guesses as to what Tuesday will bring, but as the day grows closer rumors are flooding the tubes at an exponential rate. TUAW seems to mostly agree with my conservative predictions. MacRumors.com believes those ominous banners fortale the “Macbook Air.” To get the real scoop I suggest you sit tight until Tuesday and come keynote time you head over to Engadget’s live coverage and furiously click your F5 key for an hour or so. I also recommend reading Steve’s liveblog from right up on the keynote stage. Finally, you can also help Steve prepare for the Stevenote by making sure he doesn’t forget anything and gets to the stage on time.

No matter what revelations descend from on high Tuesday, I am comfortable (almost snuggly warm) in the knowledge that two of my most prized possessions (my Macbook Pro, and iPhone) will most likely be wrought old and busted as Steve drops the new hotness on us. Then I get to play the “should I upgrade game.” Correction. Then, Josh will buy the new iShits immediately, and I will feel guilty for being jealous. Double correction. Josh will buy a plane ticket to Cupertino, locate Steve Jobs and “make it rain” (his preferred method of payment) in Job’s lap until he forks over his own personal iPhone. Then Josh will probably forget it on the plane on the way back and buy six more at the Dallas airport. This is simply the fashion in which he rolls. I am accustomed to it. It’s like being friends with a short, gay, bald-headed Kanye West.

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Just as an aside, I’ve been greatly enjoying all the discourse taking place in the comments on this site. I really appreciate each and every one of you that read this site and enjoy my silly comics. The community that is building around this site is both unexpected and fantastic. Whether or not I get to continue making comics long term relies squarely on this site’s ability to grow its readership. So if you’ve enjoyed the comics and posts, please email and friend, submit it to BoingBoing/Engadget/Gizmodo/Wired/TUAW, Stumble it, Digg it, Reddit it, post a link on your site or paint the characters on your naughty bits and stand in the middle of a busy street screaming, “FANCY PANCAKE BIRTHDAY TIME!” People will notice.

Thank you all,

Joel

American Gladiators: The Next Generation

Snap! That’s right. A balls joke. That’s how I roll. I sent you on the balls-train to balls-town. I’m not ashamed. I usually don’t work blue… BALLS, that is! Double snap! In your face. What’re you gonna do? Nothing.

Over new years we were talking about the new American Gladiators revival power hour, or whatever, and Denise (that’s the girl in the comic, who oddly enough is the first REAL girl to appear in HE) said basically what you see in panel 2 up there. I loved the idea that the cultural ambassadors of late 80’s America to nations far and wide were Nitro, Laser and Diamond. There’s something beautiful about that. I wondered if she feared getting pummeled with sand bags at an American shopping mall or being forced to climb a rope ladder then ride a zip line to get to the bus stop. It would have been 10 times awesome if the audio and video signals got scrambled in the Philippines so that they saw American Gladiators and heard C-Span.

I had NO intention of watching the new American Gladiators until I realized that it had been infused with HULK-A-MANIA. Oh, brother, let me tell you, brother, that Hulk Hogan, brother, is one lumpy pile of orange man parts. He must sleep in a tanning bed for the same reasons Dracula sleeps in a coffin. They are both kept eternally young but develop complexion problems as a result.

A few things stood out from the 20 or so minutes I saw of the episode. First off, there was SO MUCH HULK-A-MANIA, brother! They could have toned it down to a moderate Hulkitiude and I would have been fine. God he freaks me out. You want to peel him, then zest his flesh over a salad. Anyway.

Secondly… TOYOTA FUCKING GIANT SUV-A-MANIA!!! They mentioned their sponsor just a few times. One of the tests was to run across an oil slicked glass bridge while Gladiators threw trucks at you. Everyone died.

Third thing: this guy comes back 14 years after having lost on the original show only to get his ass handed to him by some kid 10 years his junior. It’s SUPER SAD if your biggest regret, the demon that haunts you and prevents you from being a well adjusted person is your American Gladiators failure in 1994. Can you imagine? He lives a decade and a half in the shadow if this wretched event knowing that he can never be given a chance to redeem himself because the show simply no longer exists. 14 freaking years late they announce a new AmGlad (that’s the abbreviation I just made up), and reopen the wound (and offer new opportunities for sucking).

Last thing. Wolfe. Wolfe looks like what would happen if Dog the Bounty Hunter, an actual wolf, the 80’s, a pickup truck and hair had a crazy 5-way hump session that somehow led one of them to crap out a baby (probably the truck). I assume he was found in the woods, rabid and starved, raised by the US Military and kept in cryo-stasis until such a time that he would be needed. That time is obviously now, brother. My favorite part is that his “real” name is Hollywood Yates. “My name is Hollywood, but you can call me Wolfe.” “My name is SuperRockandRoll but you can call me SexFactory.” “My name is RocketLauncherSpeedo but you can call me NinjaTank.” “My name is SharkJetPack but you can call me MotorcycleExplosion.”  I could keep that up for hours.

The lost Toshiba press conference


The match can be explained, but why did he have a gallon of gasoline behind the podium?

With Warner Bros. planting their flag firmly twixt Sony’s Blu-Ray buttocks, only Paramount and Universal remain married to HD DVD. I was pulling for the maroon boxes (though I refuse to commit to one or the other) because they are cheaper to produce, cheaper to buy, the players themselves are cheaper, and the tech is (sort of) better if only for the fact that the spec is finalized and the features work on every player currently being sold. If that makes no sense to you, you probably aren’t aware that the Blu-Ray spec IS NOT finalized and most of the players on the market right now will not be able to take advantage of the features on Blu-Ray discs coming out, say, tomorrow. The PS3 is the only acception, since it’s such a hoss of a machine they can continue to upgrade its features through software as Blu-Ray evolves.

CES happened this weekend, and Toshiba was going to have an HD DVD “State of the Format” press conference… until they heard about WB ditching them for blu-er pastures (I guess this means I’m rebuying all of Dawson’s Creek on Blu-Ray now). The Tosh packed up their embroidered swag bags and said, “I’m taking my maligned high definition format and GOING HOME! NYEAH!” The ONLY right thing for the HD DVD Consortium to do right now is gracefully admit defeat. Not because they are definitely going to lose (though the outlook isn’t good) but because they now have the power to end the format war and reunify the fractured consumer masses.

Josh and I were in Best Buy this weekend looking through the various next gen discs. Battlestar was on HD, as was Bladerunner. This is good news because Josh has the HD DVD Xbox add on. But LOST was in a translucent blue box. Well, god damnit, we want High Def Jack and Kate and such too! We’re not going to drop $400 for a PS3 just so we can support both competing formats (Eli did exactly that). No one cares about the studios behind the movies and shows we love. We WANT to give you Hollywood douche-tards our delicious monies. Why are you making it so hard.