Later he changed the name to “Holodeck”

I’ve gone on record as saying the entire idea of the “Star Trek Utopia” would fall apart the moment the common man had access to a machine that let you fuck any person, living or dead, in any fashion, in any scenario that they desired. The pillars of civilization would break down and society would cease to be.

Think about it. The weirdest, most fucked up, abstract perversion you’ve ever even imagined could be fully realized in seconds without having to get consent from another living human being.

“Computer, please run program Riker 1.”

“Define Parameters.”

“Let’s see. It’s Tuesday, so how about a woman, 1o, no 18 feet tall with the face of Dwight Eisenhower, the body of a 1968 Chevrolet pickup truck…”

“Define Transmission.”

“…manual, and the hind legs of a North American Wildebeest.”

“Define sexual orientation.”

“Put 3 vaginas… 1 meter in diameter, placed randomly on it’s torso. A double headed human male penis on it’s forehead, and instead of eyes, 7 more vaginas… variable diameters and depths.”

“Define location.”

“My seveth grade English classroom. Populate with professional wrestlers in sun dresses urinating into plastic lunch boxes, orangutans with machine guns on trampolines, and 2 middle aged men having a furious argument in Russian. Naked of course”

“Enter when ready.”

Either society would crumble… or all men and women everywhere would be completely happy and fulfilled. The divorce rate would plummet, crime would all but vanish… damn it. THAT’s what brings about the utopia. Everyone is getting their hump on to the fullest possible extent.

Regardless, I made this comic because I’ve been watching “Voyager” reruns late at night. Last night I saw the episodes “Fair Haven” and “Spirit Folk” where Captain Janeway starts dating a hologram that Tom Paris programmed. No one gives her any shit either. They’re all, “so how’s it going with your boyfriend, the application?” Let me make clear that if she were just BONING a hologram (their intended use) I would have no issue with it. No, she falls IN LOVE with it. That’s like me getting romantically involved with my FTP utility and expecting my peers and loved ones to accept it.

“You don’t understand! CyberDuck and I are in love! Isn’t that right, CyberDuck?”

“Open connection, Bookmarks, Quick Connect, Action, Refresh, Edit, Disconnect”

“SEE!? HE LOVES ME!!!”

You’re all bigots. Shame on you.

The next day a Greek inventor named Jockus Strapsimus changed everything

When Joss Whedon gives you a script for a comic book based movie centered on a strong female lead, and you are too stupid to understand what has just happened you no longer deserve the mighty “greenlighting” power that you wield.I remember him blogging about the project when it was originally in the works and the frustration he felt from not being able to please “the suits” was obvious. You could tell he poored his heart into the draft we will never see on screen then winced as he was asked continually to abort it piece by piece. I’m sure, by the end, he was glad to be rid of the project. Now that it’s back on (maybe), they’ll hire some hot-shot hit-maker douche taster to “zazz it up” and give us another Cat Woman.

I was ONLY excited about a Wonder Woman movie when Joss was attached to it. Otherwise I am totally ambivalent to the character. She’s one of those way-too-perfect throwbacks from the primordial comic days that leaves everything to be desired. More so than Superman, in my opinion. Why Batman hangs out with those two, I’ll never know. Neither one of them would know a good “brood” if it bat-a-rang’d them in the face.

I did this comic with the IM chat windows just to get it out of my system. You see, originally THIS (look above) was the idea for HijiNKS Ensue. I would have amusing chat conversations with Josh or Eli, then draw comics based on them. But I actually wanted to show the IM’s. I realized pretty quick that this would be extremely limiting from both an art and writing standpoint, so I modified the formula. Most of the first 50 or so comics were birthed from chat-wombs, but that was as far as it went.

So I figured, “why the eff not?” and made one based on the original (rejected) HE concept, just to say I did.

The Bit Goes on for Like 6 Minutes

Much like the first installment, I expect Hellboy 2 to be fun, but not great (or even great fun). It will be visually pleasing and keep me pretty entertained for 2 hours. I’m not really asking for anything more. I just don’t anticipate LOVING it.

That could change with the addition of Seth MacFarlane to the cast, as Johann Kraus, a disembodied psychic entity who lives in a containment suit.

His voice is like baritone molasses. I would pay him to read stories to me at night. If you haven’t seen him speak in person or on video, his real voice is basically that of Brian the Griffin’s dog. Almost exactly. I would murder people for a voice like that. Much like Maurice LaMarche, I have a voice-crush on Seth MacFarlane.

I’ve always had a weird thing about voices in general. I pay very close attention to a person’s vocal cadence, use of words, speech patterns, etc when they talk. Sometime to the point that I don’t hear what they are saying.

Typically this allows me to impersonate people (usually real people, rather than famous people) with relative ease. If I can’t SOUND like them, I can usually TALK like them. It’s a blessing and a curse. I was watching a rerun of Deep Space 9 late at night. It was a final season episode with Ezri Dax. I hadn’t seen any of these in at least 4 or 5 years, but I immediately noticed that the actress, Nicle DeBoer, had a speech impediment. It was slight. She can’t say an “S” without mashing her tongue against her teeth. Once I noticed it, the episode was shot from there. It didn’t offend me, but I couldn’t help but notice it EVERY time she spoke.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I’m grateful for this…talent(?) because I think it allows me to enjoy a particular actor in a way most people don’t notice.

I think I started doing this as a child when I realized that the same 4 or 5 voice actors were on EVERY cartoon in the 80’s. I didn’t know who they were because there was no internet. Later in life I looked them up and started researching their careers and others.

Other than Maurice, some personal favorites are Rob Paulsen, Billy West, David Warner, Kevin Conroy, Phil LaMar, Keith David, Tres MacNeille and Pamela Segall Adlon. You’ll notice at least half of these people ended up on “Futurama”, making the best best voice acted series in the history or time and space.

Any favorite voice actors? Any weird minutia that you pick up on that most people seem to miss?

I keep calling them “Pie Star”

I know this wasn’t a major news story (even within the realm of the internet), but I found it very funny that a whole company, Psystar, sprung up to legitimately sell “hackintosh” computers, The Open Mac/Computer, when the act of doing so violates Apple’s terms of service and is basically illegal. (note: making your own hackintosh isn’t really illegal. Selling them mostly is.)

Engadget has been chronicling the sadness of Psystar (psadness?), even going as far as to call the owner of Psystar to personally understand the shadiness there in.

The reason Steve won’t let other companies develop hardware for OS X to run on, is he wants to control every aspect of the Mac experience. He wants to know that while you are looking at OS X, you are looking at it on a Steve-approved LCD, and typing on Steve-approved keys, etc etc. The existence of the Mac Mini would seem to negate this theory, but I know that’s how he thinks. He at least wants the box housing the motherboard to have Steve-approved prettiness.

What does any of this have to do with 4th grade super hero creations? Nothing. The name “Psystar” just sounds like something me and my best friend in 4th grade, John Kienhoff, would have come up with.

Here are a few other of our grade 4 creations:

Jack Thunder – Spectral detective with a trench coat, giant hat and a Colt .45. Pretty sure he was a ghost.
The Cyber Knights – Knights that were also cyborgs. We couldn’t figure of they were from the future or the past, but they were fun to draw.
Sage – He knew everything… and was also your basic super hero with strength and flight and such.
Stab – A guy that only used knives. I never got around to drawing him, but I always liked the idea. The villain has a huge gun and he takes him down with just knives. Kick ass.
I also made a parody comic called “The Z-Men.” The team included “Cry-Clops,” “Collopsided,” “Night Faller” and “Wormerine.” I’ll let your imagination do the legwork.

Any super hero that a 10 year old dreams up has basically unlimited power, no weaknesses and an impossible anatomy that would make Rob Liefeld look like Michelangelo. Oh, and a cape. Always a cape. I should dig up those drawings (I have them all) and put them in the back of the first HE book.

Any Fancy Bastards out there create equally shitty comic book super heroes as a child?

MACaveli

Alternate Title: “Bob has bitch tats”

The Zune Guy has asked Microsoft for permission to change his name to “Microsoft Zune.” I hope they respond by murdering him with tanks.I know it’s a little late in the game to be hating on the Zune (and a little too easy), but this douchepipe is somehow excited enough about a second rate music player with a patronizing and pathetic marketing campaign that he forever ruined his flesh and is attempting to do the same with his name.

The Zune is the “me too” of the iPod generation. If you have one and love it, great. Hold on to that feeling. It’s not the player I hate. It’s the manufactured cool that they so desperately tried to perfect. M$ tries to force cool with indie kids in the ads, and slogans like “welcome to the social.” Welcome indeed. Seeing people buy the Zune when it first came out and desperately try and find this “social” they had heard so much about reminded me of when I was 9 and I got a Laser Tag set for X-Mas. Only I was the only kid with Laser Tag that I knew and it only came with one gun. So imagine 9 year old me sitting on the floor, weeping and shooting myself in the chest with a Laser Tag gun. “The Social” is exactly that pathetic. More so, since I eventually got a Laser Tag Robot (not kidding at all) that shot back at me. “Here, kid. Have a robot instead of a friend.” Sounds bad, but there’s certainly no Zune robot that lets you trade music with it via wifi when none of your real friends have Zunes. If there was, I’m sure it would be a nice shade of turd brown.

The iPod’s at the time were white and black. White like the smiling face of angels and black like the glassy ocean at midnight. The Zune is the color of your dinner when you see it for the second time. Maybe that’s it. They wanted it to be familiar. Like shit. Everyone shits, so everyone will identify with it. WELCOME TO THE FECAL!

UPDATE (from the comments)

As a device I have NO problem with the Zune. Its the artificial “social” aspect of it that MS tried to force. Apple puts the iPod out there and lets the users make it cool (even if that was their gimmick all along, it was subtle). MS is like, “here’s our MP3 Player, also it makes you cool and have friends and everyone wants one and you should have Zune clubs and make out parties!”

You know MS executives sit around conference tables trying to figure out the formula for “hip.” So far they haven’t cracked the code.