Yo, Homes, Smell Ya’ Later

No, I didn’t concoct this ridiculous sitcom-pitch scenario. Will “The Fresh Prince” Smith is opening a school (like for children) that will have curriculum based on the teachings of Scientology.

Here’s hoping for history textbooks with spaceships, “Carlton Dance” aerobics in gym class, graduation commencement by Tom Cruise in a (historically accurate) Xenu mask and, most of all, Dean Jazzy Jeff.

If it’s not too late to enroll, I’m sending my daughter there to be brainwashed… educated in the ways of our savior, L. Ron Hubbard.

I guess this is the first appearance of the HE-Minis, or HE-Kids or Lil’s HE’s or whatever. I almost gave Eli the beard even though he’s supposed to be 8. I don’t think his actually came in until he was 11.

Point Break 2: Pointer Broken

Point Break is one of those movies that’s so fucking perfect, so sublime in its idiocy, so saturated with action cliches that it cannot be improved upon. It does not need a sequel. I certainly doesn’t need a Keanu-less, Swayze-less sequel.

Point Break is a “must stop what you are doing and watch when it comes on TNT or TBS or whatever” type of movie.

Do me a favor. Watch Point Break (sober) sometime. Just pay attention and count all the crazy inconsistencies, and plot holes and complete impossibilities in that movie. It boggles the mind. Then watch it again (this time probably not sober) and try NOT to have fun. I dare you.

The guy directing it was also the director for Speed (yay!), Twister (meh!) and Tomb Raider 2 (horf!).

Dear Hollywood Jeebus, please abort this movie fetus before it can shit its deadly venom on little orphan children (this is how it feeds). And please drown all men responsible for its conception in boiling vats of their own bile and testicle blood. Amen.

Grand Theft Art Imitating Life

This was one of those rare occasions where the universe wrote the comic, and I just had to draw it. I asked Josh to show me “GTA IV” so I could see what all the fuss was about. I hadn’t played a GTA game since Vice City, and even then I pretty much ignored the missions and just blew stuff up until the cops chased me into the ocean. We literally sat there for 30 minutes watching in game cartoons on Nico’s TV. Then when he finally started to play the game, there was this whole complicated courting process he had to go through with Michelle. He actually said, “The nicer the clothes I buy, the more likely she is to put out on the first date.” You have to manage the expectations of your in-game girlfriend? This is scary shit people. That is WAY too real for a game that’s supposed to be about stealing cars, and then using said cars to murder their previous owners. I know I wouldn’t be able to play through the actual missions of this game because the moment it asked me to buy clothes and get a haircut to impress the fluzey I just met on the street, I would be reaching for the nearest blunt implement, or machine gun, or chainsaw or machine gun that fires chainsaws…on fire to murder her with.

I know the game is excellent. You don’t have to convince me of that. I just wouldn’t ever get past the parts that were as boring as my real life in order to complete it properly. At no point during Sonic 2 or Street Fighter was I asked by the game to go to the store and pick up cat litter (or hedgehog litter).

This reminds me of when my friend Wes had overclocked his P3 to play the first “Deus Ex.” He opened the computer case and turned the AC (in the abandoned apartment he was squatting in) down as low as it would go. It was September and you could see your breath in there. Wrapped in blankets we watched him play this revolutionary game. My turn came and I chose to start over from the beginning. About 5 minutes in I was supposed to sneak into a medical complex and do something important. I walked in the front door, guns a blazing and killed every person in the lobby. Alarms sounded and troops were dispatched. I died and the game was over. The whole thing lasted under 6 minutes. I just remember breaking the icicles off my nose and saying, “This game sucks. I’m out of here.”

I guess that’s why I’m a Wii Tennis man. Pick it up, play for 10 min, put it down…whatever. Just keep it casual.

UPDATE:

Apparently Yahtzee agrees with me:

We named the dog Indiana

Things are looking the opposite of up for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Whatever Whatever“. At least, if you believe the netmotrons (as I am inclined to do). All of the reviews I’ve read are from die hard fans of the franchise, desperate to give the film a fair shake. One reviewer gave a quote that struck a chord with me (pardon the pun):

This is the “Free as a Bird” of Indiana Jones movies.

Merciful Robot Jesus, if that is the case I am sad because I know EXACTLY what he means. He means, “Yes, we had the ability to make another Indy movie, and we have the money and the actors were on board… but we didn’t have any reason to do it.”

I’ve never been a fan of “sequels for the sake of sequels.” If you have a story to tell, then by all means, get to tellin’. If you are just squeezing those last precious drops of life blood from a beloved entertainment entity for no other reason but to see if you can, maybe you should rethink your motives.

I was only 7 or 8 when i saw “Last Crusade.” It made a huge impression on me. I got a bull whip at the state fair, and spent many an afternoon recovering lost treasures from my back yard. Seeing the movie again as an adult, it held up to the deepest scrutiny. It’s up there with my all time perfect geek flicks. I’d rather walk away from Dr. Jones with those fond memories in tact, but chances are I will see “Kingdom of Such and Such” with it’s aliens and psychics and Labeoufs and what not eventually. I hope the early reviews are 100% wrong and it’s a very enjoyable film, but past experience leads me to keep my expectations on the lowest side of low.

I had this idea that the 4th film should feature an adult Short Round as the villain. He’s still 4 feet tall but he’s old and grizzled and has a robot eye or a claw or something. Also he still talks like he’s 9. He and the “homnomshbop” heart stealing guy team up to steal the Shroud of Turin. Speaking of, “The DaVinci Code” would have made a pretty good Indy Jones movie. The plot fits right in with “Ark” and “Crusade.” Plus, unlike Tom Hanks, Indy would have banged the last of Christ’s bloodline. Oh well.

I’m pretty disappointed I didn’t work “He chose poorly” into the comic.

Guest Comic: My vengeance, it has a flavor

His sidekick would be called “Bacon-Bit.”

Today’s guest comic comes from Adam Levermore-Rich and C.A. Bridges from the comic “Save Hiatus.”

Save Hiatus is about a group of friends who just lost their favorite scifi show due to premature cancellation. Sound familiar? If your coat is even the slightest bit brown, you will enjoy it. You may also cry after unearthing repressed memories of petitions, and forums, and letter writing campaigns. It’s Ok. Let it out. It’s good to cry.

Definitely check out their site and tell those guys thanks for helping me out in a big way.

Thank you all (readers and comic contributors) for allowing me this time to spend with my family. New comics will be back on Monday. Sunday, May 11th, is the 1 year anniversary of HijiNKS Ensue. That’s pretty cool, I guess.