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Cuatro de Julio

Did I get the Spanish right this time? (edit: NO! but I fixed it.)

Enjoy your day off, explodify as many things and possible and eat something that was cooked outdoors. If you see anyone from Great Britain, make sure you enunciate all your “H’s.”  That’ll remind them how they lost this sweet ass land mass with all its awesome resources.

If you are British, get drunk and cry yourself to sleep thinking of how beautiful it could have been. Better luck next time, SUCKERS!

EDIT: I guess it’s not obvious that I’m just making jokes and I hold no ill will to the British. New Zealanders… oh that’s another story. Damn Kiwis.

EDIT EDIT: Ok, so after getting a call from the New Zealand Embassy, I have decided to redact all negative comments about those dirty dirty… lovely people. At least they aren’t Merpeople. God damn fishlegs.

EDIT EDIT EDIT:  All people of the land and sea are equally appreciated and welcomed to enjoy this comic. We are the world. We are the children.

No Disassemble Visitation Rights

I posted a remark in the previous comic about Johnny 5 walking out on WALL-E and his mom. Almost immediately I wanted to see this SciFi/Lifetime movie play out. So there you go.I imagine it was tough for Jonathan 5 after “Short Circuit 2.” There were rumors of a 3rd installment, “Short Circuit 3: Rise of The Machines,” but eventually  Steve Gutenberg stopped returning his calls. He crashed on Fisher Stevens’ couch for a while but things didn’t work out. One dead end job after another and… well, you see what his life is like now.

Even though Cheryl’s moved on with her life, she carries the scars of their tumultuous relationship with her. Literally. After giving birth to a 16″ steel cube with tank feet and a plasma cutter she’s pretty much ruined… in the lady business.

I would like to see a “VH1 Behind the…” series about 80’s kitsch movie icons.

  • The Gremlins: Hunted Nearly to Extinction
  • Sloth: The Carnival Years
  • Teen Wolf: Cocaine, Coitus, Crabs and Cocaine

He’s Very LONEL-E

Spoiler Alert! WALL-E’s a Cylon.

I saw the movie last night. Not my favorite Pixar product, but certainly worth the money.  I thought it was odd for Pixar to include video of REAL humans (assuming Fred Willard isn’t a cartoon of some kind) along with the CG ones. That kind of broke the illusion for me. You know, the illusion that I was actually witnessing a distopian future earth populated by exactly one miniature trash compactor with tank treads and binocular eyes.

I guess they decided to ditch the side story where Johnny 5 knocks up WALL-E‘s mom then spilts, leaving her to raise 200,000 identical robot kids alone.

Bonus WALL-E Links:

Agua No Potable

I was trying to work the word “MARSgarita” into this comic. I think I’m pretty dead on with my predictions for the fate of the red planet. All’s I’m saying is if space had a South, Mars would be South of Earth. Check back with me in 50 years and let’s see if I’m right.

Maybe a “Border Dome” that encapsulates Earth could prevent the influx of cheap, skilled Martian labor. How else might Mars be like Mexico? You tell me.

**Context Clues**

BONUS VAULT CONTENT: I’m adding the original script for this comic to “The Vault“ so you can see what it’s like when I have an idea that just doesn’t pan out, and gain a little insight into the HE writing process (if you are interested in that sort of thing). A small donation gets you access to all of the desktops and behind the scenes content on The Vault.

Seven Words

Don’t forget “fart,” “turd” and “twat.”

I dare you to watch this and not laugh your ass off. It’s not just the words. It’s the delivery. Listen to the cadence of his voice. Look at the expressiveness of his face and hands.

When I was young, I was obsessed with stand up comedy. I’d devour as much as I could access. Comedy was important to me. I appreciated the craft like you might appreciate classical music. The process, the work behind the jokes fascinated me. George Carlin was a master of the craft. He managed to stay relevant until the day he died and left a legacy of laughs that generations to come will enjoy and find personal meaning in.

My favorite George Carlin moment was during one of his hour long specials (HBO or Showtime) during the early 90’s. I was 11 or 12 and living in a small refinery town called Beaumont, TX. I certainly wasn’t supposed to be watching late night foul mouthed comedy, but that is neither here nor there. Carlin starts setting up a joke (of which I have forgotten both the set up and the punchline), about the worst titty bar he ever played in. It was a dive. A shithole. And it was in the most miserable little refinery town he’d ever seen. A stain on America called… Beaumont, TX.

I felt so validated at that moment. A few days later I told my Mom that a comedian had mentioned Beaumont on TV. I don’t know how I’d planned to follow that up since I obviously couldn’t repeat the joke.

“What did he say?”

“Oh, it was just a joke. I don’t remember it.”

If you know the joke in question, please share it (or any other favorite Carlin moments) in the comments or this thread in the Forum.

Godspeed, George Carlin. Godspeed, you fancy bastard.