Alright, America, if this comic doesn’t set things straight once and for all then I’ve lost all hope in you. Do you want me to spell it out? You like Voltron. Obama is Voltron. Vote for Obama.
PLEASE, don’t fuck it up this time.
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Josh Wins Halloween
In what may be the most meta move in the history of Internet, Josh dressed up as HIMSELF from the “Godspeed You Fancy Bastard” comic. It’s like a living recursive anagram acronym (J.O.S.H = Josh! Oh Shit! Halloween!). Then Eli and I decided to use this (hopefully) once in a lifetime opportunity to recreate the GSYFB desktop in real life. Luckily there was a missile just laying around in a nearby office (no kidding… thanks, Jen!)
Here’s the COMIC and the DESKTOP for comparison.
H-E-Ween Flashback ’87
I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween as a kid, since it was created and maintained by Satan and his legions of costumed followers. I got to wear a costume so I wouldn’t be the only kid at school without one, but it was generally something innocuous like a cowboy or a monkey. I may have been a cowboy on the outside, but inside beat the heart of a werewolf, or a ninja or Optimus Prime. I did go as ALF one year, but the costume was incredibly hot and I couldn’t see out of the mask. Eventually I just looked like a kid that had decapitated a sasquatch and was wearing most of it’s flesh as a trophy.
As the comic depicts, I spent a good chunk of my childhood aspiring to BE a Ninja Turtle. Not to dress as one or act like one, but to ACTUALLY grow up choose a career path as a professional Ninja Turtle. I assumed I could position myself in the direct path of oncoming chemical waste trucks over and over until one happened to flip and dous me with ooze in close proximity to an amphibian reptile.
I didn’t get to trick or treat until I was 14. I did it just the once (dressed as The Crow) and realized how lame it was to trick or treat as a teenager. When teens come to my door now asking for candy I say, “Get a job, asshole! Buy your own candy. Plus, it’s June! Why the fuck are you doing door to door asking for candy anyway?!”
I always thought those trash bag costumes (usually available at grocery stores) were just total give ups. What kid slips on a painted dry cleaning bag, and a flimsy plastic mask and feels suddenly transformed into Skeletor or Inspector Gadget? Though, a few years ago my wife and I were passing out candy to neighborhood children when one kid approached us wearing JUST a trash bag. Like a black, 50 gallon garbage sack. I didn’t ask what he was supposed to be. He couldn’t have been more than 8 years old. I just gave him a great big handful of assorted candy and thought “Happy Halloween, you miserable sonofabitch.” Wondering what he was supposed to be haunts me even to this day. A kite? A rain cloud? A trash bag?
So I pose these questions to you:
- What was trash bag kid supposed to be?
- What was your best/worst childhood costume?
- What was your best/worst adult costume?
Hell House 3: The Housening
Take out Eli and Denise, add a 13 year old me and this is a basically a true story. I had to recover deeply repressed memories to bring you this comic (the first in a week of Halloween themed HE’s).
If you are unfamiliar with the concept of a HELL HOUSE, it is essentially a haunted house put on by a fundamentalist Christian church with the intent of giving children night terrors and guilt for things they haven’t even thought of doing yet all for the glory of Christ. When you’re 13 and someone says, “Hey, instead of boring old youth group, we’re going to a haunted house/ hay ride out in the middle of nowhere!” you’re typical response would be “meh.” You’re 13, so everything is pretty much, “meh.” But internally you’re all “sounds cooler than singing praise songs then talking about how we’re better than everyone else for an hour.”
When I said a Hell House is essentially a haunted house… well, it’s not. It IS NOT a haunted house! In a haunted house you pay money to walk through a maze of dark corridors while “actors” dressed as ghouls and monsters jump out and scream at you. Sometimes there’s a chainsaw. It’s fun for every one. I should know, I worked at one in high school. It was pretty much awesome. A Hell House, on the other hand is a place where you pay money to walk through a barn that has been outfitted to look like a house and in each room “actors” act out short vignettes depicting different ways one might damn oneself to Hell. It is seriously a living instruction manual on “How to Win Friends and Get Into Hell.”
Oh, also it’s fucking terrifying when you’re a kid. Also it’s ONLY for kids.
I’ll reconstruct the scenerio as best as my fragile mind can:
Pay Per Click
$1.25 per click, that is.
When you order a comic print from the HijiNKS Ensue store I take the original artwork, bring it into a new Photoshop template, add the title, date and copyright, convert to CMYK PDF, transfer the file to USB drive then take them down to FedEx Kinkos to have them printed on 100lb card stock by a $200,000 laser printer. Finally, I sign the print and ship them off for you to enjoy. I’ve always been pleased with the process and the result… until yesterday.
I walked in and gave my USB drive to the clerk. Instead of asking me what weight of paper I needed or what printing process, she asked me how many files I had. I said I didn’t know but they were all in a folder labeled “Kinkos.” She persisted that I tell her how many files. I was already getting a weird vibe and I knew something was off. I guess about 7 and she said, “OK, we can open the first one for free then the rest are $2.50 each for “Digital Rendering.” I asked if she was printing the first one for free and she explained that “Digital Rendering” was the charge to open the file in their software. I reassured her that my PDF’s were perfectly formatted, sized and ready to print. There was no need to convert them to another format or so any prep work. She reiterated that “Digital Rendering” was the charge to OPEN THE FILE.
At this point I think my brain made an audible “doink-snap” sound. I realized that they were actually trying to use “fancy tech jargon” to CHARGE ME for DOUBLECLICKING the files and hoping that I would be dazzled and confused and acquiesce. I could see from the look in her eyes that she knew that what she was saying didn’t make any sense.
I told her very plainly that I’ve done this exact same process a half dozen times and that I have only been asked to pay for the paper and the printing, and that under no circumstances would I EVER be paying them anything additional to open the files. I also wouldnt be reimbursing her for mileage to walk from the desk to the printer, or for the wear and tear on her uniform suffered while filling my order.
I was completely stunned. The fact that they were trying to foist a bogus fee on me just because it “sounded real” made me absolutely livid. Who do they think they are? The phone company? TicketMaster? Is this their version of a convenience charge? And “Digital Rendering”? Give me a fucking break. Why not call it “Binary Computationalization” or “Pixel Displayification Fee” or “Digital Give Us More Money Just Because Fee”?
how about i thow the clerk down a flight of stairs and call it a “gravity assisted rapid altitude reduction?”
I basically yelled panel 3 (up there) as loud as I could hoping to make a scene that would at least alert the higher ups to the fact that someone was on to their bullshit. I ripped my thumb drive out of their PC (crossing my fingers for an “improper unmount BSOD”), and left.
I will never have prints made at FedEx/Kinkos ever again. Those pigfuckers tried to sell me imaginary services; undercoating for comic prints, if you will, with a straight face. Unconscionable and unforgivable.
(actually if anyone orders a print of THIS comic, I WILL have it printed at FedEx/Kinkos)
UPDATE:
FB, Josh Smith (blog/twitter) is a contributor to WalletPop.com and did a nice write up, inspired by this comic, on the subject of FedEx/Kinko’s “Digital Rendering” charge.
Check it out HERE. Josh’s readers got into some lively discourse of their own which seems to have spilled over into the HE comments. Welcome to HE, WalletPop readers!