Exploding Is Half The Battle

I’m really glad we saw G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra at the drive in theater. Otherwise I dont think we would have been as free to yell at the screen, huff exhaust fumes or reorient our chairs to watch other movies. We were on the very last row of cars, sandwiched between a hotboxing minivan (Josh didn’t mind at all) and a pickup full of red necks so the screen was quite far away and difficult to make out at times. We tried to emulate real theater sound (to hear the movie you tune a radio to a certain station) using Eli’s boombox for high’s, Josh’s subwoofer for lows and our own bemused groans for mids.

It was my first drive in experience and all told a very pleasant one despite the movie’s best efforts. Oh, the movie? Right. It was unfathomably terrible. I expected it to be bad, but I also expected to have at least some idea of what was going on at any given time during the film. I’m almost positive there was some dialog between explosions, in the same way one assumes people are all basically good. There’s a lot of evidence to the contrary, but you still want to hold onto that belief.

I have a feeling the shooting script for G.I Joe went something like this:

Camel/Jet/EXPLOSION/Tank/EXPLOSION/EXPLOSION/Camel

Duke & Black Duke meet hologram Hawk/Adlib dialog/EXPLOSION

EXPLOSION/EXPLOSION/EXPLOSION/Adlib dialog/Robot Suits!/4 EXPLOSIONS

ROBOT SUIT FIGHT/NINJA FIGHT/NINJA FLASHBACK/EXPLODING NINJAS

Eiffel Tower EXPLODE!/Adlib/MORE ROBOT SUIT STUFF/MORE NINJA STUFF/HUMMER/BOOOOOM!

[Director’s Note: ok, the rest of the movie needs to take place underwater or on the north pole. Fuck it, let’s do both.]

BOOM/BOOM/EXPLODE/SUBMARINE/Secret jet that speaks SCOTTISH/BOOM/BOOM/BOOM!

Haggis MacCloud turns into Destro/Cobra Commander turns into Cobra Commander/EXPLODE

EXPLODE AGAIN/Set Up Sequel/Credits.

[Director’s Note: Make sure we use “Yo Joe!” “Knowing is half the battle” “Kung Fu Grip” “Gotta catch’em all!” and “ThunderCats Ho!”]

Bottom line: Don’t go see it anywhere that shouts of outrage and uproarious laughter wouldn’t be appreciated. Wait for DVD. Hell, do a triple feature of ultimate confusion and explosions with G.I. Joe and both Transformers films. Make a real night out of it.

UPDATE ON THE BOOK PRESALE! As of this posting there are only 5 Ultimate Fancy Editions left!

I was live Tweeting during the movie from the drive in theater in Ennis, TX. The fruits of that effort are listed below: Continue reading→

The Song Of The Unsuccessful Aquatic Mammal

UPDATE 9/19/09: Thanks to @Alyssa_Milano for sharing this comic with her Tweeps. If you dig the comic and would like to follow me on Twitter, please do.

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… or “The Fail Whale at Tanagra!”

[reddit-me]Ironically, Eli and Denise died in a murder/suicide pact moments before Twitter came back online.

So I guess Twitter got attacked by killbots or something yesterday morning. I was asleep until 10am (having stayed up working until 4am the previous night), so I didn’t notice. [Follow me on Twitter, if you want]

Read up on Darmok and the Tamaraians if panel one is confusing at all.

UPDATE ON THE BOOK PRESALE! As of this posting there are only about 10 Ultimate Fancy Editions left!

Seeing as how the Ultimate Fancies are all but sold out, I can officially announce that the preorders for the 150 UF editions have completely paid for the full print run of 1000 copies of HijiNKS Ensue Vol 1: Godspeed, You Fancy Bastard. Thank you all so much for your constant support.

Manzanas y Naranjas

Sorry the comic was super late-sauce today. My site had to be moved to a different server at my host for technical reasons and my chronic back pain was acting up causing me to be unable to sit in a chair for more than 15 min at a time. Plus EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES I SUCK WHATEVER…

¡Tunes! Mexico iTunes store now open for shopping

The book presale is going very well and as of this posting there are only about 10 Ultimate Fancy Editions left!

What Happens On The Moon…

Buzz Aldrin doesn’t want us to see what he’s got hidden on The Moon. Is it the corpse of the lost 4th Apollo astronaut? Is it his alien love child, left to mature on the harsh lunar surface only the return to Earth and seek vengeance on his human father when he has come of age? Or did he simply pee his name in the moon dust? Well, if we don’t go back, we’ll never know. Remember what that guy with the head said, “We do these things, not because they are easy. But, because they are wicked awesome.” TO THE EMMER EFFING MOON!

As of this posting there are only about 15 Ultimate Fancy Editions left!

The Secret Life Of The Xenomorph Teenager

UPDATE 5-20-2010: NEW SHIRT! NEW SHIRT! THE BEST SHIRT I’VE EVER MADE!!!

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

There is also a PRINT of this design too!

If you enjoy this comic and and would like to show your support for HijiNKS ENSUE or The Experiment, please consider getting a book or shirt in the store or making a donation. Don’t want to do any of that? Well, following me on Twitter is free.

UPDATE: Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts in the HE Store NOW!

UPDATE: No Ultimates left, but plenty of Regular and Artist Edition Books in the store!

~~As of this posting there are only about 20 Ultimate Fancy Editions left!~~

For your comment challenge, please write dialog, plot lines or create characters for the “Alien Teen Prequel” (likely to air on ABC Family).