Wheaton Comic Dare: Unwatchable At Any Speed

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

NEW HE PODCAST [episode 78] IS HERE! Hours of extra podcast are HERE for Vault Subscribers.

New Lo-FiJINKS comic posted late last night!

Driving back to Dallas from Austin today ~~so colors and what not will be finished this evening~~.
UPDATE: Refresh as hard as you can to see the finished comic.

Wheaton threw down another comic dare challenge and, as always, I accepted. When will you learn not to step to these mad comicing skills, Wheaton? When? WHEEEEEAAAAATONNNNNNNN!

Having seen the trailer for Drive Angry 1: Too Driving Too Angry, I got the impression that Nic Cage escaped hell to rescue his daughter, who was the slutty blond played by Amber Heard that he was driving so very angry with. Then I got the distinct impression they wanted to have sex with each other. THEN I saw the full trailer and realized she was just some road cooz along for the ride. Whatever. This movie looks banana-tits insane.

COMMENTERS: What’s your favorite/least favorite crazy/sane Nic Cage performance and why? Also, please create subtitles for the inevitable sequels to Drive Angry: Drive Momma From The Train.

Thanks to @SpringHeeledJak for suggesting the Hindenburg kite.

A Long Term Commitment

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

NEW HE PODCAST [episode 78] IS HERE! Hours of extra podcast are HERE for Vault Subscribers.

In case you weren’t nervous about the future of humanity as a whole, please know there are people [REAL ACTUAL PEOPLE] who have signed Billion Year Contracts with a science fiction religion. Now sleep, children. Sleep comfortably in the knowledge that we, as a species, are too stupid to survive much longer.

COMMENTERS: What are some of the sci-fi stipulations of the Scientology Sea Org’s Billion Year Contract? Is there a non-refundable security deposit on your space pod? Do you get to upgrade to a new Operating Thetan level ever two years as long as your account is in good standing?

Variations On A Theme

Team Edward [James Olmos] Shirts at Topatoco!

I recorded a podcast with Alex and Roger, which will be uploaded over the weekend, and this [what you see in the panels above] just sort of happened after we stopped recording. I thought it was amusing enough to share. Perhaps I thought wrong. Perhaps I thought not wrong enough, and perhaps even too right. Time will never tell and history shall not be the judge, for this is an insignificant matter and history has a lot of judging on its plate already.

If you are curious as to why I have M.A.S.K. [look HERE and HERE if you are unfamiliar] on the brain, I have been spending a lot of time watching the intros to 80’s cartoon shows on YouTube… for… research. If that fact raises even further questions, rest assured those of you that preordered HE Book 2 will soon learn the reason why. Those of you that did not may continue to wallow in dispair and confusion.

I am headed out of town to visit family, so the Friday Lo-FiJINKS comic will likely be posted late Friday night or possibly Saturday. I’m still getting used to the increased comic output schedule, but I hope you are enjoying it.

COMMENTERS: What was your favorite 80’s cartoon theme song? Which was the worst? Which was the best-worst-most-over-the-top-hair-metal-explode-a-ganza?

The New Colossus

The Royal Geeks of The British Empire:
British Knights Shirts at Topatoco!

I think the Mayor of Detroit is being a little short-sighted in rejecting a statue of Robocop in his city. From what I can gather from alarmist headlines and hearsay, Detroit is an apocalyptic wasteland governed by packs of stray dogs. The “Mayor” serves at their pleasure and only in a ceremonial capacity. A statue of Robocop right in the middle of downtown would remind the looting and pillaging citizens of the possibility of a brighter tomorrow. A future where, if you commit a crime, a cyborg will shoot you with a machine gun. And what about jobs? Since American cars get 4 miles to the gallon and blow up if you so much as look at them, one can only assume the job situation in The Motor City is pretty dier. Instead of a simple statue, the Robocop tribute could be a full on RocoComplex! Imagine it! A 400 ft. tall colossus straddling both halves of the city, with floor after floor of housing, government offices, shopping, parking garages, and a 40 story penthouse up in his helmet that overlooks the city from his visor. This could transform Detroit forever. Every day at Noon an Earth-shattering “FREEEEZE DIRRRT BAAAGGGG!” would bellow from his face, letting the city know it was safe from the canine menace below. Oh, yeah… once the people move into the RoboComplex, the wild dogs really start to tear shit up at street level.

Batman and Robin was also filmed here in Dallas. I propose a 40 ft. tall codpiece overlooking the arts district. Who do I talk to about this?

UPDATE:

COMMENTERS: What other towns need statues based on their famous movies? How about a Lethal Weapon tribute in L.A.? It could say, “I’m getting to old for this shit,” in Latin under bronze busts of Riggs and Murtaugh. Or maybe a right outside of N.Y.C. and L.A. there can be a granite tribute to Snake Pliskin escaping each city. Personally I want to see a monument to the Ghostbusters bringing the Statue of Liberty to life in Ghostbusters 2 erected on Staten Island on top of the regular Statue of Liberty. Actually it should be just at the edge of Staten Island, stepping into the water. “Your love! Keeps liftin’ me! Your love is liftin’ me, HIGHER AND HIGH-ER!”

NEW IN THE VAULT: There are 9 new hi-res mobile wallpapers in the HE Vault. They are sized for iPhone Retina displays but will work nicely with any smartphone.
[click image to embiggen]

Just Before The Dawn

Ewok Stare Shirts at Topatoco!

I know this comic doesn’t make any sense. At Shitty Movie night at Josh IRL’s house we watched Mutant Zombie Vampires From The ‘Hood, starring one Mr. C. Thomas Howell. During a particularly unsexy “sex” scene featuring Mr. Howell I yelled out Josh’s lines from panels 2 and 3 above. Those familiar with Howell’s work in Red Dawn should be somewhat less perplexed than those who aren’t. The aforementioned 98% of you that aren’t should feel free to remain confused and keep making that face. Yes. That’s the one.

MZVFTH would be an excellent Shitty Movie Night flick if not for two major drawbacks: 1) The dialog is almost completely inaudible. While this doesn’t normally affect your potential enjoyment of this type of movie, it gets old really quick. Especially because the gun shot sound effects (both of them) are played at ear splitting levels roughly 100,000 times over 90 minutes. And 2) The film does not contain the titular vampires. It seems to contain mutants which could be construed as zombies, actual zombies, and possibly even mutant zombies. But it doesn’t contain any sort of vampire. Though the characters do occasionally refer to the zombies as vampires for no discernable reason. This is just false advertising on the part of the film makers and I won’t stand for it.

Let’s get back to C. Thomas Howell. As a youth he starred in Red Dawn, a film about the Russians attacking U.S. soil at the end of the cold war and being defeated by a rag-tag group of kids, and Soul Man, possibly the only film made after 1948 to feature a main character in black-face. The old saying must be true. Once you go black-face, you never come back-face. Because after Soul Man, Howell’s career took a bit of a nose dive. He didn’t work less, so to speak. In fact the quantity of his output skyrocketed. The quality? Not so much. Though the film he is best known for, Red Dawn, is getting a big budget Hollywood remake for a 2011 release. If you ask me, they should of gone for the gusto and remade Soul Man, but this time instead of a white guy pretending to be a black man they could do a couple of black guys pretending to be whiteOMG WHITE CHICKS THE WAYANSES ALREADY DID THAT BLUGHLBLUGHLBLUGHL. Never mind.