Kids With The Fluxed Up Kicks

Alternate Title: “The Prestige”

The year 2015, otherwise known as THE FUTURE, is rapidly approaching and before it gets here I have two questions: 1)What exactly happens to us as a society in the next 4 years that leads to flying cars, hover boards, dustless paper, advanced de-aging treatments and simultaneously gives us shittier TV picture quality, sub par vector holograms, crappy cell phone/sunglasses headsets and gets us back to using fax machines in nearly every room of the house? I can only assume we discover cold fusion and, on the same day, a techno-organic virus wipes out at least half of all technology created after 1994.

The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this littler operation going.

2) Sure the Nike Air Mags worn by Marty McFly in Back To The Future II SEEM really cool in the context of the film, but are we forgetting that these were NOT Marty’s shoes? They were Marty McFly JUNIOR’s shoes. And Junior was, to use the future parlance, a butthead. Since when does the biggest dweeb have the most awesome shoes? I foresee only two explanations. Either Mags were cool a few years prior and he is the one kid that’s all “Dudes! I finally got me some Mags! Can we all be bros now?” and they’re all “Mags are SO 2013, McFly, you insufferable butthead.” OR the concept of power laces was invented to help kids with poor motor control due to birth defects caused by your father probably having banged his own mother in the past thus causing him to be HIS own father and both your father and grandfather.

I mean, come on! Marty Sr. looks and acts exactly like… Marty [himself, the strange sea-faring drifter from 1955] and nothing like George McFly. And you know Lorraine was harboring some feelings for her childhood fling when she named her child after him. The fact that both Marty Jr. and his sister don’t just resemble but have THE EXACT SAME FACE as Marty Sr. proves that gene pool has a nice layer of paradoxical incest-algae floating on top of it. Who knows? Maybe it all really started when Marty banged some 1850’s prostitute while rescuing Doc from the old west who turned out to be his maternal great grandmother.

[DOCTOR WHO SEASON 6 SPOILERS] Time does crazy things to the in vitro human body. Hell, Amy’s and Rory’s kid turned out to be half Time Lord just because they got busy inside a TARDIS. [/DOCTOR WHO SEASON 6 SPOILERS] Can you imagine what Marty’s constant time stream surfing has done to his poor man-onaise? He probably ejaculates a purple florescent magnetic gel. Speaking of Time Lords, I was going to call this comic “Wibbly Wobbly Marty Warty” but then I realized it sounded like I was making fun of Michael J. Fox. If you laughed at that last sentence (as I did), you are terrible.

COMMENTERS: When I was a kid I said a little prayer each night that EVERYTHING shown in BTTF2‘s 2015 would come to pass. Now I just pine for hoverboards. What future tech from a movie or TV show were you really hoping we would have by now? What are you still holding out hope for?

The Macchanal

The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this little operation going.

I keep trying to find a way to honestly call this a “mostly true” story, but my integrity won’t let me. It’s a completely true story. When Josh told me his one month old Macbook Air had been damaged, I was mostly curious as to why he still owned a computer that was already a month old. He’s not usually one to deal in antiques. Then I wondered if it had perhaps been cut on its own sharpness. Next I suggested he buff out the damage with toothpaste (which I hear is a thing people do). When he informed me that said damaged with an actual crack in the glass, I wanted to suggest maybe using that stripy toothpaste or some of those whitening trays. Then I figured that not ALL dental health products related to laptop screen repair. Before I could make fun of his hardship further, Apple just gave him a new Macbook Air. I assume the genius in question pulled up his purchase history, saw that it was greater than the GNP of most small island countries, immediately offered a thousand pardons for making him wait so long and poured him a glass of champagne with a hundred dollar bill floating in it.

COMMENTERS: Josh did actually crack his new Macbook Air by dropping a $250 remote control on it. What’s the dumbest way you’ve ever damaged something valuable? Any good stories about getting something replaced for free? Have at it.

Wheaton Comic Dare: Your Last Lachance

Wil Wheaton wields a power most terrible. The power to dare me to turn Tweets into comics. Should you fear this power? Most definitely. More than you fear the awakening of The Beard? Probably not. That sounds like bad news for everybody.

I somehow found myself watching John Cusack in 1408 a couple of nights ago, and I may never forgive… well anyone. It seems that when Cusack makes movies with numbers for titles we are all made to suffer.

COMMENTERS: Will you submit to the will of The Beard? Do you think you have any choice in the matter? SPOILERS: You don’t.

The Name Of The Wind

“Jam Hog” is a name for a penis that rings of elegance, grace and simple beauty. But it is also a strong name. Mostly because of the JAM part. That conjures a certain imagery. Hogs are pretty strong too.

DICK JOKES! Josh IRL has a GIANT new 3D plasma TV at his home that is actually the one James Cameron watches deep sea documentaries on. I, on the other hand have the same 5 year old plasma that Cameron’s mechanic has in his guest room. Were Josh’s new TV placed betwixt me and the demon sun, Sol, it would surely blot out the DoomStar for eons. The crops would wither, the Earth would fall cold and silent. It’s a big ass TV, is what I’m saying. 65 inches is somehow orders of magnitude bigger than 55 inches. Though I think Josh would be the first to tell you how much impact 10 inches can have. MORE DICK JOKES! Aren’t you glad you got on the Internet today? [Dont forget to check the rollever text for more… you guessed it! Dick jokes!]

COMMENTERS: Using the rules established in the panels above, please come up with more names for Josh’s… well, you get the idea. Perhaps tell the stories and sing the songs of how it came to be known by such names. Perhaps not.

The Future Imperfect

This weekend, on one of our rare, child-free nights my wife and I drove downtown to see Josh and his husband Jeff for dinner and movies. They live in a very nice neighborhood full of affluent types with fancy homes that just so happens to be about 40 feet away from the murdery, crack-rocky part of town. This is just how downtown Dallas is laid out and there’s no escaping it if that’s where you choose to hang your hat or your sack of rocks.

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

Due to the infrequency with which I visit this area, and my constant focus on not being murdered, I am unable to commit the directions to memory and thus employ a GPS to get me safely there. On the way the GPS said something very much like panel one above and I found myself mocking a machine’s elocution. A machine that knows exactly where I am, within 4 or 5 feet, because it can talk to 3 different satellite that are in space because we put them there with rocket ships. Is there a word that means “jaded by unfathomable privilege?” Because that’s what I am. Also, it should imply that I’m a terrible asshole for not being thankful each day and marveling at the wonders that surround me. Still, when my GPS says “parkway” it sounds like a Dutch exchange student. “Paaarqueaugh?”

Instead of a movie, we watched the first episode of Misfits. We all really liked it. Many of you Fancy Bastards have recommended it, so as soon as I can procure the rest of the series I will ploy through and make some comics about it. Oh, and if you don’t get the Top Gear reference, watch HERE.

COMMENTERS: What technological marvels do you find yourself taking for granted? What would be the best or worst voice for your GPS to have?