The Bean Belt

All joking aside, THIS is exactly how we, as a nation, will be subjugated by foreign powers in the years to come. Coffee embargos! Java rationing! That will only be the beginning, but it will lead us to our end. Save your spent grounds! Stuff them in your mattresses! You will need them for bartering in tomorrow’s coffee-less wasteland. The Great Coffee Wars will claim 50% of humanity in the first 5 years. The other 50% will wish they had died along with their sons and daughters and former baristas. Dark times are ahead indeed, but not dark roasted timed. I like my future like I like my coffee: harsh and bleak.

I shutter to even consider the fact that we can’t actually grow the trees necessary to product chocolate in North America. How are we even still a thing?

Try This Next Time Your Doctor Asks An Embarrassing Question

Of course the only proper answer to, “How are you pooping?” is, “Mostly indoors. Mostly.”

I have a STORE that I would like for you to purchase something from. I also have a Patreon and all of the trappings that come with such a thing.

Sometimes I think doctors are trying too hard to be cool with whatever macabre body horror you’re admitting to them. You’re all, “So I just empty out the blood bucket two or three times a day, and it’s been like that for a couple of weeks,” and the doctor replies, “Uh huh, [emphasis on the huh]” or a casual, “Yeah. It’ll do that.” Every once in awhile, it might be more comforting if they let out the occasional, “HOLY SHIT WHAT?!” or “It’s DEFINITELY NOT supposed to do that!” or even “WHAT EVEN PART OF THE BODY IS THAT OH MY JESUS OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT AND WHY ARE YOU SHOWING IT TO ME WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?”

Unassembled

Here’s another resurrected and recolored FANEURYSM comic. As I explained here, there are a few FANEURYSM comics that I don’t want to allow to slip into the void of the Internet’s hazy memory, and that fit in nicely with the aesthetic of Sharkzpode. You can see the original version HERE.

Of course all of this changes in Captain America: Civil War in which EACH AND EVERY character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will be making an appearance. If the movie is two and a half hours, I bet there’s 40 minutes just taking role call.

Sharksploders: Which lesser know Marvel character deserves their own solo movie and why?

Scavenger Hunt

If our cats didn’t teach us lessons, we would never learn. Without supervision and proper admonishment, we might continue negative behaviors like sometimes leaving the house, or putting a thing in a place where the cat wants to be later, or not topping off the completely full food bowl so that there’s a nice peak to the food pile. It’s true what they say, most people are untrainable. It’s not that they’re inherently stupid… well it’s not JUST that. It’s in their nature to be aloof loners with total disregard for for superior feline lifeforms.

Sharkploders: How do you cats punish you when you misbehave?

Everything In Its Right Place

[From August 22, 2016, Replying to the comment: “Can we get any kinda status update on when/if HE or SS will ever be coming back? Or at least a “not until XX”? Are you ok? Hope all is well.”]

I’m quite well. Thank you for the concern. The truth is the ways in which this comic, or all of my comic endeavors, previously allowed me to the support my family all pretty much started to dry up at the same time. Ad revenue, convention sales and online store sales all took a STEEP dive right around the same time, and I found myself unable to continue down the same path. To do so and to continue to just HOPE it would all pick up soon would have been dangerously irresponsible for my family. So I took a job. I had been working as a freelance writer and voice actor for Cyanide & Happiness for a few years and, when I realized my current situation wasn’t stable enough, I made the transition to full time. For the last 6 months I’ve been working every day on the recently announced (as of just a few days ago) Season 3 of The Cyanide & Happiness Show. I’m very proud of the work we’ve done, but it has taken up 100% of my creative (physical and emotional) energy, and left no time for other projects.

I am grateful to anyone who is still checking this site, and still interested in seeing more of my comics. I am ESPECIALLY grateful to my Patreon Patrons. When all of my other sources of HE related income dried up, Patreon was the one thing I could count on (and STILL count on to this day) for some level of stability. I want to reward those of you that remain for your patience, persistence and… another P word. Let’s go with “pants.” I still don’t know exactly how and when I’m going to finish HijiNKS ENSUE or if I’m ever going to revisit Sharksplode. I know what I WANT to do, but I’ve finally learned to stop announcing wishes/plans as if they were concrete facts my audience can rely on. Best to announce the things I’ve already done as opposed to the things I’d like to do. Less disappointment all around that way. I know that I would prefer to be able to say, “HijiNKS ENSUE is a completed project. It’s a comic that I made for almost a decade and you can read the whole thing, including the end, HERE.” I can’t currently say that, and it bothers me. Eventually that bother will evolve into action.

~Joel

[June 23rd, 2015] I’ve been spending most of the last month focused on my new comic, Sharksplode, but I’m still working on HE comics and I’ll be uploading and backdating them as they are completed.

Figuring out what makes you feel alive is pretty fantastic. Whatever that is can, and should, change throughout your life. Hopefully you will discover multiple and varied things that bestow new enthusiastic energy upon your rapidly decaying corporeal bone bag in the time that you have. Each time you stumble upon a place or a group or an activity and that experience makes your brain scream to the rest of your dumb body, “HEY! THIS IS YOU! THIS IS WHERE YOU GO! THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ABOUT RIGHT NOW! STAY HERE AND BE THIS RIGHT NOW!” it’s like your own little personal sorting hat ceremony.