Keanuaatu

Alternate solution: find out if they are allergic to water or susceptible to germs. Chances are, dirt makes their brains catch fire. Invading alien hordes never seem to the do the research required to properly choose a planet to target.

The trailers for “The Day The Earth Stood Still” certainly give the impression that humanity is doomed due to our shoddy treatment of the earth. It’s safe to say we aren’t getting our security deposit back.

“We didn’t melt those ice caps! They were totally melted when we moved in. It must have been the last tenant. Go find the fucking dinosaurs and ask them what they did to the ice caps. They probably breathed fire all over them. I’m calling the Better Business Bureau and telling all my friends to stay away from your shitty planet!”

I’m sure our cries of “But I drive a Prius!” will fall on deaf alien ears, assuming they have ears and not just cycloptic laser beam eyes.

I’m not a big fan of Kenaanaeux Reeves but I can certainly buy him as an emotionless, wooden alien who’s uncomfortable occupying a human body. I doubt the director ever had to shout, “EMOTE LESS, KEANU!” It just comes naturally to him. Though I do imagine the director got tired of screaming, “ALIENS DON’T SAY “WHOAH,” KEANU!” Regardless, I am looking forward to this movie due to my natural geeky thirst for all things scifi. I hope it’s well executed and entertaining because as sweet as good scifi tastes, bad scifi is like… something that tastes really bad. Like a bad pecan. Have you ever had a bad pecan? You’re happily plowing through a bag of pecans and they are all nutty and awesome and then you bite into a bad one. It’s like drywall, turpentine and pee. That’s what bad scifi is like.

UPDATE:

I was starting to get worried that this comic was totally off base and the new movie wasn’t actually about the environment as I had gathered. Luckily, some quick Googling seems to assuage my fears:

I should do this research BEFORE i start drawing.

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85 Comments

  1. I really hope this movie doesn't have an environmental message and is instead about getting along with terrorists. Looking at the latest trailer which features tanks in a desert I'm holding onto that dream.

  11. Lord, is that seriously the premise? 'Eesh. In lieu of the small-pox, which is always a brilliant play of War of the Worlds against Day the Earth Stood Still, in the further allegory of history driving a car named after a dead culture, as an acronym disparaging a further, yet, third montage of sun-kissed peoples; he might have had arms laden with Gideon Bibles and 700Club flyers.

  18. I'm with Josh—I'll see just about anything with Keanu in it. There's something about him that just screams "I'm trapped in a horrible future with no way out!". See: Constantine, Matrix, Scanner, and Bill & Ted.

  19. I would much rather interpret the smallpox as referencing Ray Bradbury. You know, in that one story in The Martian Chronicles? Where it turns the Martians all to charred dead leaves stuff?

    Actually on second thought that was chicken pox. Still cool though. <3 Ray Bradbury.

  25. i'm betting Gort will be that spheroid mass of nanites. that grey goo attack looked pretty enough in the trailer but not worth putting $10 on it alone.

  26. that's prolly cause Tilda Swinton owned every scene she graced with her presence.

    (Dijomn Honshu and, to a lesser extent, Gavin Rossdale get honorable mentions)

  29. I call bullshit on your proclamation of loving good scifi until you watch at least seasons 1 & 2 of B5. S1 alone won't cut it (honestly there's a lot of bad in S1, but it sets up so much that pays off down the road), and by the middle of S3 you're blind, deaf, and retarded as a squirrel wearing an eyepatch if you don't consider it equal to the best TV you've ever watched. You get a pass on S5, because this is where I confess that I've never watched the whole thing either.

    So there!

  31. I can assert that my love for scifi is indisputable despite never having seen B5. I dont hate it, I just never got around to it. Plus I prefer my space stations to the built by Cardassians and run by Starfleet.

  36. B5 was indeed an awesome show. As a kid, I wanted to be in Psi Corps when I grew up (yes that makes me evil). Why do only aliens get mind-reading abilities?

  39. “What? Well no there is no accounting for them but trust us we will use the money we paid ourselves in an environmentally friendly way to off set the wanton destruction we have wrought.”

    “Oh you say you are just a developing race and you are in the midst of technological advances that are greatly cleaning up your emissions and if we gave you a teeny tiny bit of our technology you wouldn't be a threat to the planet anymore and you could be spared…”

    “Well where is the genocidal over reacting fun in that?”

    “Besides after we complete this massively intelligent problem/solution set (humans are bad for earth therefore if we kill them all earth is saved: hooray!) We are going to be bored for a millennium figuring out what 2 +2 is, so we need to have some fun now"

    The massive planet sized ship is suddenly dwarfed by a solar system sized ship

    "Attention planet destroyers prepare to die for polluting the galaxy."

    This continues in recursion mode right up to the multiverse beings who end up snuffed by god or string theory, whichever un provable theory you prefer.

  40. haha, it would certainly be more convenient on those days when you just can't get out of bed…or when you're sick on the couch…or when the remote is just a little too far away (that last one happens more often than I'd like to admit).

  41. haha, it would certainly be more convenient on those days when you just can't get out of bed…or when you're sick on the couch…or when the remote is just a little too far away (that last one happens more often than I'd like to admit).

  43. Damn.
    I liked the original 'Day and I am not ashamed to say that mostly(=the trainwreck that was Constantine. And some other trainwrecks.) I like Keanu. Re-makes on the other hand… Nah.

    -D

  51. Oh yeah, bad pecans are horrible. But the difference between nuts and science fiction is that sometimes a bad sci-fi flick is so bad it's awesome, you never encounter a nut that is so foul it's good, they usually just make you want to vomit.

  53. So I'm to assume a powerful intergalactic race of super intelligent beings has laid claim to earth and are exterminating us because we are wrecking the planet due to our reckless use of energy.

    To do this they move a space ship the size of a small planet and release powerful bio/nano weapons into the biosphere.

    So they are like Al Gore to the nth power turned malicious…

    "it's okay for us to use 10 times the output of the sun and release grey goo that will annihilate the planet as long as I do it to stop you from raising the temperature of the planet .8 degrees in 100 years even though that is not anywhere near the peak temperature of the planet.”

    “Oh and we bought carbon credits from ourselves to offset the hypocrisy”

  55. Well, while it's still similar to TDtESS in that it's conceptually destroying the original source material, The Spirit was done, I think, because one man felt like jerking his self-proclaimed genius off on screen, while the other is just another example of Hollywood beating it's point into the audience.

    (I forgot to mention I wouldn't pay money for TDtESS.)

  57. Either I'm having déjà vu or we've had this discussion before. I haven't read the hellblazer comics, which probably makes it easier to enjoy the movie as is.

  61. As much as it shouldn't, "cancersplode" made me LOL. Condombrokesplode doesn't need "broke" since that's implied by "splode", so it would just be condomsplode. 😉

  65. Me too. I think I've liked him in every movie he's been in. He's always kinda the same, so I can understand why people would either love him or hate him. He's pretty much the same person in every movie. "Excellent! Is this a test? Fuck me! I know kung fu. You gonna jump or jerk off?"

    OK, so he didn't say all of those things in the same movie, but that would be damn hilarious.

    • Looks like a case of you're all right, even the trailer. Although admittedly it's easy to miss behind the swarming mass of product placement.

  76. I think it's my favourite of his books. Such great stories in it! I really like the one where all the figures from literature are on Mars, but they die as the last copy of their books are burned. That one is cooooool.

  80. Well, considering that the FX used in a lot of the classic sci-fi flicks WAS top of the line hot shit back in the day, it's easy to imagine that, if they had had the technology of today to work with, scenes like Gort getting set off WOULD have been practically Bay or Bruckheimer-esque.

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