I’m Going To See “The Clone Wars” Ziro Times

It’s hard to call George Lucas a racist or a bigot becuase I get the impression he really has no idea what he’s doing. Remember those interviews a few years ago with Michael Jackson where you really started to believe that he had NO IDEA that he was, in fact, a pedophile? I feel the same way about G.L. He seems completely oblivious to the effect his meddling has had on his once beloved franchise.

This guy practically had Jar Jar dancing a soft shoe, and singing “Mammy” in black face. He’s completely gone. I guarantee you he has some bullshit philosophy that “it’s not even the same galaxy, so Earth’s racial and sexual stereotypes have no relevance. Anyway let’s get ready to shoot the cross burning on Tatooine.”

So now he’s made the first flaming Hutt (that has to be a drink at the Mos Eisley Cantina). Again, I assume he has no idea what he’s done. The conversation went like this:

GL: “Guys, for Jabba’s Uncle Ziro, I want him to be purple, wear make up, have feathers in his hair, be very effeminate and for good measure let’s give him the distinctive voice of a famous homosexual author.”

Guys: “Isn’t that… going to offend gays?”

GL: “This is a long time ago in a galaxy far away! Why do I have to tell you this every day?! There is no predjudice against space-gays in the Star Wars Universe. IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON!”

Then he stomps a whole in the ground and turns to stone.

When I saw Gendy Tartakovsky’s animated “Clone Wars” on Cartoon Network, I was convinced that it was a positive turning point for Star Wars. The stylized animation was distinct and likable, the voice acting was, at times, excellent and the stories the series told were compelling. Mace Windu took out an entire droid army by himself. It was awesome.

When I found out they were remaking the series as a CGI movie (with a new tv series to follow) I groaned that same “Lucas can’t leave well enough alone” groan I’ve been groaning for years.

Sure enough, the reviews are confirming my fears. Many of you will say, “I don’t read reviews. I see the movie and decide for myself.” Be my guest.

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118 Comments

  1. It's obvious to me that you just wanted to exercise your own racism but were not brave enough to do so without hiding behind a 'satirical' comic about George Lucas.

  2. Thanks for coming clean man!

    Anyway, I was just goofing on ya. I dig your art and I'm glad I stumbled upon your site!

  3. Reading through the archives and I just had to resurrect this thread to weigh in with my (geeky) 2 cents…

    For those of you that are wondering why it's stupid to have the battle droids talking to each other: It's been stated–in canon–that battle droids don't actually have "brains" and are all instead peripherals of a single large computer that controls most of their actions. So, while it makes sense to have a battle droid talking to a person, having them talk to each other makes about as much sense as Minesweeper asking Firefox what its next move should be…

    Ziro is disturbing, but, again, mining that gloriously ridiculous font of canon, it's been stated that Hutts are actually genderless. They decide to act male or female as their mood takes them. As hermaphrodites who reproduce through budding (try not to get nightmares picturing that!) they don't need to be "male" or "female." Ziro just chose the middle road instead of committing to a specific gender role. Weird, but it makes sense given the physiology and psychology of the Hutts.

    Don't get me wrong, though, with all this defending of drag queen Hutts and all, George needs to be stopped before he kills again! The saddest thing about the decline of Star Wars is that–unlike Star Trek and the rise of Rick Berman–we can't even blame it on a power shift within Lucasfilm. And now he's green-lighted a Star Wars musical… A MUSICAL, PEOPLE!!! >_<

  4. Not going to brag about being the first post… Not going to brag about being the first post…

    FIRST POST!!!

    Dammit. Anyway, I think I'm going to be telling people to "think Cher" all day now, and they're going to have no idea what I'm talking about. Thanks a lot, HE.

  6. Well, in the next installment, they'll have Ziro exiled to some off-world space-station doing a one-hutt cabaret, titled simply, "Ziro!" He'll do an assortment of medleys. Then, afterward, trudge off to the docks to seek some rough-trade to dress in an ornate brass man-thong and choke him with a chain while he "wags the tail."

  7. A) Lucas didn't write this. Take that as plus or minus, but the "Lucas' signature atrocious dialog" jabs are annoying the shit out of me, and prove to me that people hate because they like hating, without regard for facts.

    B) Ventress is goddamn badass, and not one smug, fashionable potshot artist trashing this movie as Crazy Uncle George is Sodomizing the Couch Part 4 has even mentioned her.

    C) It was bad, but I saw it before bashing it, and while bad, it was way better than expected. It's designed to make 6 year old girls like Star Wars, because that's the only remaining demo needed for market dominance. You put robots and lightsabers dancing in fucking Caberet, and you've got 6 year old boys. If you go into it with that perspective, it's not bad at all. I'll actually watch the first couple episodes of the show.

    D) Jabba's voice was actually good for the first time ever.

    That said, Nute Gunray totarry rikey flied lice. Spot-on.

  8. As a whole, I knew coming into the movie that it was a kid's movie so I tried to once again become a 10-year-old. I loved the movie as a 10-year-old… I grew up after the movie and it was blah.

  9. I have more animosity toward the Star Wars franchise than is probably healthy, but I've convinced myself that it's warranted. It's a crock of shit and I don't care to find the time to properly articulate my loathing.

    Sidenote: What's the deal with this "first post" bullshit lately? Pisses me off. Fucks are lucky I don't mod the blog comments.

  15. All three prequels were kids movies. I wish I could have seen them as a child so when I was grown up I could understand why I know longer found them appealing. i guess theres a whole generation that will feel that way.

  18. just wait for the dawson's creek meets star wars garbage. then we'll REALLY see the star wars franchise driven into the ground :

  19. Um, I saw the prequels as a relatively young person, and I think I may have been in awe of the wonderment of it all. Getting to see a new Star Wars in the theaters (not counting the theater re-releases I fell asleep in. I was young, sorry.) was cool.

    Of course, I look back now and wonder how the hell I could have enjoyed such a poorly plotted out film about governments and shitty subplots about decoys who look nothing like Natalie Portman. I knew she was playing Padme/Amidala, so what the hell? The decoy is a twist?

    And my god, the marketing! There were fucking Pepsi commercials that stated, straight up "Meesa Jar Jar Binks, come for comic relief!"

  22. I didn't think it was all around awful. I loved the art, I liked the clone troopers, I loved the lightsaber fights, and to see a bit more of Coruscant.

    That said: the dialogs were at times pretty bad, the idea that *robots* would communicate by *speaking* is plain stupid, and many of the side characters (Ziro, yes) were badbadbad.

    Seriously, seeing SW ground troops like the clones carried a lot of the movie for me. And the lightsaber fights worked because they were not a mix of real characters and CGI.

    But the dialogs… why needs EVERYBODY to be "witty"? Bah.

    Anyways. In the end you'll have to see the movie for what it was: a pilot for a TV show.

    Thank God I have my SW games. For me, Star Wars was redefined and cemented by games like KotOR and the Jedi Knight series. I am grateful for that. Screw everything on the big screen that came after RotJ.

  27. star wars is like metallica. everytime something comes out, i have this brief glimmer of hope that this time is different… this time it's good, but without fail it's disappointing, shallow and horribly written. plus, lucas is really puffy, which is like, really grodie.

  28. Admittedly, I've not seen it yet, but the main reason I wish not to see it is…IT REPRISES THE FUCKING CLONE WARS. When will they attempt to flesh out what I call the Big Middle, aka the 19-year gap between Episodes III and IV? Auuuuuuugh!!!!!

  30. Did you see that thing about how Metallica isn't doing an album for fans or something? How, once you start doing it for the fans, it won't be any good?

    This is the same group that released St. Anger and made Some Kind of Monster? Shit Sandwich!

  31. Joel has mentioned this before on the Cast Cast, that within the gap that appears to be about 20 years (Luke from being born to being a teen farmboy), Jedi are no longer are common knowledge, yet people say "May the Force be with you" as if it's a common thing. Also, considering the Force is no longer around us all, like "God", and is in fact only helpful to those with riffraff in our blood, then it doesn't make any sense to say such things.

  32. my favorite / shittiest lyric ever: "my life style, determines my death style"… all to the wonderful sound of lars bashing garbage cans. so deep.

  34. ok, i saw this movie in august 14 in the local cinema……. and its awesome!!!! so good animation, OK story, can't judge the voices 'cuz it was in spanish…..
    go see it please!! and write a comic with the fancy bastards in the cinema, like you did with dark knight
    PD: 'bout the comic: its disturbing to see that female-voiced, body-painted, feathered hutt and think its a guy! (or a hutta.)
    anyway i dont care, i love stinky! <3

  37. i liked the droids part:
    -Non-identified ships coming to us
    -Shoot at them
    -What if they are friendly?
    -(short thinking) I am the hightest rank here, shoot!
    -OK

    Also, you gotta love the "roger-roger"

  39. well, not to defend or repeat if I missed this in the comments, apparently Hutts are Asexual reproducers going through cycles of both male and female roles in mating. at least that was my super star wars lore wife was saying…but yes, rent it or get it on DVD, go see a different movie in the theater.

  45. *Sigh* Oh, Joely-Poely, I was hoping you would be above this sort of thing.

    Here's the deal: it's an action cartoon. I paid my matinee admission for the pyew-pyew and the kaboom, and I wasn't disappointed. I was pleasantly surprised by the character design; it was meant to emulate wooden puppets, like Gerry Anderson's shows, and I personally was reminded of the blacklit figures in the Fantasyland rides at Disneyland. That's a compliment.

    As for Ziro the Hutt, it's not like he was putting on makeup, or ogling Anakin's butt. He could have used pretty much the same deep bass voice as Jabba (which would have led to whining about repetitious characters), but they decided to try something a little different. And as a fan of voice actor Corey Burton, I dug it.

    If you enjoyed Droids, there's no reason not to get off your "Lucas-raped-my-childhood" high horse and enjoy it.

  46. It also makes no sense to be mentioning ducks in a galaxy which appears more the home of foul creatures than of fowl ones, but that didn't stop the creative brain trust back in the day, either. As for MTFBWY, its use in Episode IV by General Dodonna seems more a show of resistance than anything else. Han Solo's use of it can be chalked up to a simply cheesy character evolution moment, IMO.

  48. Are you talking about in the novel, when Ben tells Luke that "Even a duck has to be taught to swim?" Blame Alan Dean Foster for that – and for claiming that "Wedge Antilles" is an "unlikely name," while "Dave" is a perfectly cromulent name to have in another galaxy.

  49. The Natalie Portman/ Kira Knightly switch was SO bizarre because Portman was ALL OVER the press as "Queen Amadala." There was no question that Padme was the Queen, so when they "revealed" it I was just confused.

    • Temuera Morrison played "Jake heke" in "Once Were Warriers", he played a violent father who beats his wife. Morrison also voices all of the clones.

      It's supposidly an iconic NZ movie (I'm a NZ'er) but I didn't really like it.

  66. So, for a cartoon series pilot aimed at (presumably) 7-13 year olds, I thought the movie was a bit a fun fluff. It's no Empire, but (IMO) neither is it the horror that was the prequilogy. It's got more cutsie than I like, and I wouldn't exactly call the plot or dialogue sophisticated, but IT'S MADE FOR KIDS.

    Anyhow.

    I can understand many complaints about Ziro, but I thought it looked cool (for a Hutt, anyway). And while I'm not a big fan of the vocal choices made for the character, I have no problem with it speaking Basic. Jabba can say Solo, Skywalker, and Jedi. Why the (repeated) assumptions (from frickin' EVERYONE) that Hutts can only speak Huttese? Based on the rest of Jabba's personality traits, I'd bet it felt speaking Basic was beneath it, and speaking Huttese kept financial negotiations on its turf, so to speak. (more…)

  67. (…cont) I LOVED Ventress and some of the battle sequences. When one droid grabbed a clonetrooper by the neck to pull him close and shoot him pointblank before casually tossing him aside… yeah. I had a moment. It rocked.

    I enjoyed the look of the animation. I was significantly underawed by the score (EXCEPT at Ziro's).

    If you go to this movie expecting a mildly diverting kids' flick with some cool action, you'll enjoy it. If you're wanting second coming of the original trilogy, you'll hate it as much as all the other poor misguided moviegoers that refuse to accept it for what it is.

  69. i don't know, the animation is the only thing about it that appeals to me. i like the style. as a spin-off, i like the slightly different looks.

    if only it had a halfway decent f'ing story to go along with it.

    ahhh, looks like i'm the bitter geek now!!

  71. Why is "It's made for kids" an excuse? Must we dumb everything down and perpetuate the idea that kids won't like something that requires them to use their brain just a little? There use to be intelligent children's entertainment that had real and in depth plot and characterization. If the children are the future (and we don't want them to all grow into simpering morons) shouldn't we expect more from a movie aimed at kids, not less?

  73. That's what the live-action Star Wars tv show is for, right, to flesh out the Big Middle? Not a Skywalker in sight for that one, I hear.

  75. To illustrate your point: Nemo, Incredibles, Wall-E, etc etc etc are all "for kids" but they all posses another level of entertainment that only adults can appreciate. If Pixar can do it, so can LucasFilm.

  78. That wasn't very logical either, that is true. Canon-wise, you could argue that he was built to translate everything to Basic… Hmm.

    All the other robots didn't speak much, tho. At least not English.

  79. I just wish they would concentrate more on other settings and time periods (you know, Skywalker-less ones). The way KotOR did.

    There's more meat to the universe than this particular bloodline, methinks.

    Ah crap, I'm having flashbacks to my old die-hard fan days. Damn you!

  82. But Clone Wars isn't being sold as the equal of those. Pixar movies are prestige films, that are intended to be groundbreaking new frontiers in animation. They spend years in production and their budgets run in the hundreds of millions.

    Clone Wars can't compete with that, but IT WAS NEVER INTENDED TO. It's a saturday matinee B-picture, and there's nothing wrong with those. It's not meant to further the human condition, it's there for when you want big fights and asplosions. Don't trash it for failing to be something it was never meant to be.

  83. well, to be fair, the new Metallica doesn't rape the old Metallica. Much like how Empire and Master of Puppets are still good, listening to St. Anger doesn't make you hate the old albums like the prequels do.

    I explained the concept of midichlorians to my aunt this week, and other stuff about how the prequels were bad, and she didn't remember the prequels very well, but was shocked/pissed that the Force was now science instead of "all around us". She's mildly religious, but at least she gets it.

  87. ahaha. yes. well, it sorta was. the trade talk business sounded like a teenager trying to write an episode of law and order or something.

  95. In the novelization of Jedi (so take it with a grain of spice), it says that Jabba speaks Huttese as a point of honor.

    Plus, all those Twi'lek dancers are just a beard – Jabba's REAL fetish is for protocol droids.

  96. A long long time ago
    In a faraway galaxy
    There lived a guy named Luke
    Not to different from you or me

    He worked on his Uncle’s moisture farm
    Just a regular joe who did no harm
    He did a good job fixing up the place
    Til they killed his Aunt and Uncle and they shot him into space

    He’ll star in cheesy movies
    His sister will come with
    We’ll have to sit and watch them all
    Till Revenge of the Sith

    Now keep in mind Luke can’t control
    The movies plot or their end
    He’ll try to make some sense of it all
    With the help of his rebel friends

    (Rebel Roll Call)
    Leia!
    Solo!
    Threepio!
    Ar-Twooooo!

    If you’re wondering how the Force can work
    And other science facts
    Just repeat to yourself it’s George’s show
    I should really just relax

    For Mystery Star Wars Theater, 1138

    And I just made myself late for a meeting while I did that.

  101. Nute Gunray just cracks me up. Was his first Idea John McLaserblaster? It reminds me of a comic or a blog post you did about some Gladiator guy. "My name is Hollywood Jenjkins, but you can call me Ninja Jetfighter" or something like that.

    Do you have a keyword search feature for the archive? If not you should add that.

    Great stuff.

  102. We're not talking about groundbreaking animation or tech, we're talking about a basic level of entertainment. Kid's movies DO NOT HAVE to be dumb or poorly written.

    Clone Wars is not even a saturday B movie, it's a cartoon tie in product mover aimed at getting kids to buy plastic crap.

    My feelings on SW were summed up perfectly in the Spaced episode where Simon Pegg parodies the SW:TPM funeral scene by burning his memorabelia.

    Loved the strip, love "4 word short shorts, visible balls!"

    And thanks for the links, the fan vitriol has brought warmth to my parts.

  103. Okay, now give us a list of equally bad ass Saturday morning cartoons, 'cuz that's what this "movie" really is. Each of the movies you named had budgets that dwarf the Clone Wars.

  105. SPOILERS!!!!! Not that I expect any of you to care 😉 …While it isn't deep, I disagree that it's badly written & entirely dumbed down. What is so horrible and simple about the plot? Our heroes are trying to save the innocent child of a crimelord to gain safe passage through his territory. Our villains have kidnapped said child and framed our heroes, attempting to gain their own access to the crimelord's territory and turn the crimelord against our heroes. Sideplots include our heroes diplomatic efforts to contact the misled crimelord through a relative who is really in cahoots with our villains. This sounds to me like a real, in depth plot that would, in fact, require that kids use their brains a little to follow. Do I believe that it'll stretch them to the limits of their capabilities? No. Must it? I was reading Dumas in elementary school. I was also watching G.I.Joe and Benji – not exactly thought-provoking fare. Also, as a child, I hated not getting a joke that was aimed over my head. Sometimes it was nice to have something entirely on my own level. Should we not allow kids this occasional luxury?

  111. Well, their dumb decision has made them 25 million dollars in 5 days. How much are your dumb decisions bringing in? I know that mine tend to cost money.

  113. Oh, I loved Outcast! Heck, I even still play the original Jedi Knight. The live action shorts were the best part. I was rather disappointed that Outcast didn't have them, but it was still good anyway.

    Academy, on the other hand… meh. The gameplay was better, but the little side missions just made the story feel really disjointed. (And really, if you didn't see the villain coming from miles away…)

    I haven't had the chance to play Force Unleashed yet… I hope that one is good.

  114. No George Lucas is fairly open about his homophobia trying to edit out implied gay characters in the 30 years this franchise has existed there have been 4 gay characters and 1 of which was not a stereotype and she wasnt a product of lucas arts but BioWare

  116. Okay here is the thing a lot of times when a bunch of people run out screaming “that’s a racist character” I have no idea what they are talking about because they are all “Well this is what black people, chinese people are like (stereotypes) and their making fun of it” Thing is I neither believe nor waste my time with stereotypes so goofy characters never make me think someone is mocking a race of people.

    So I wonder is it racist if a character acts in a way that some people associate with certain races? Or are the people making the association the racist ones? You do realize some people will genuinely act a certain way and not because it’s a “racial stereotype”

    For example a sitcom the guy who created the show was yelled at for creating a “racist character” in the mom character. The mom character wasn’t based on racial stereotypes the mom character was based entirely on his own mom and how she is. So these people if they ever met her would probably tell her to stop being racist for acting like herself.

    What’s really funny is that not every Gungan acted like Jar Jar in fact most oft hem didn’t act anything like them. Jar Jar just spoke with a goofy voice nothing he said made me think “Ah black people”

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