Get Off On BK’s

This comic is either about Patrick Stewart getting knighted, or shoes from the 90’s. You decide.

When you look at the list of celebrities the Queen of England has chosen to bestow the honour of Knighthood on, you either get the impression that she’s a “Gotta Catch ‘Em All!” type collector of geek pop culture figureheads, or she is planning the most amazing party of all time. Of the few I mention in panel two (above) you actually get more than twice the Knightly value for your Queenly dollar (or pound). You pay for Bond, Gandalf, Saruman, Alfred and the good Captain of the Enterprise D/E, and you get Henry Jones Sr., Magneto the master of magnetism, a Sith Lord, Austin Powers’ dad and Professor X for free!

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As far as party entertainment goes you’ve got your all star band featuring a be-Donald-Duck-suited Elton John, Paul “The Walrus” “The Paulrus” McCartney, Brian May the noted astrophysicist who also happens to be the guitar god from Queen, some guy named Boner… Bonner… Bono (whatever, I’ve never heard of him) and at least a couple of guys from either The Who or Pink Floyd or BOTH who probably aren’t dead yet. She might not be planning a party. She might be planning the end of the world.

I also find it highly suspect that she picks her knew Knights on her birthday. It reminds me of Francis from PeeWee’s Big Adventure. Like she walks up to a noted entertainer’s manager and says “I will have this one for my collection. Wrap him up and deliver him to the palace with bow on his head and a dusting a baby powder on his nethers.”

Hell, even Steven Spielberg‘s an honorary Knight (you can’t go full armor and chain-male if you weren’t born in Britain). Maybe she wants him to document “The Final Party” for… well, I guess no one would be left. Maybe for whoever cleans up the mess. Let’s say the French.

Considering the general level of geekery at The Round Table, it gets even weirder when you look at the lower honours like Commander and Officer. She’s got Serenity‘s Operative Chiwetel Ejiofor, Liam “I play a Jedi or a bad ass in every movie” Neeson, Michael Palin and  J.R.R. Tolkien. Is the Queen a closet nerd? Is she wearing out VHS tapes of old Python sketches, and reading “The Return Of The King” while listening to “Bicycle Race” on 45?

Whatever her grand scheme is I think she is overlooking two valuable additions to her roster of Britain’s finest. Christian Bale and Daniel Day-Lewis. I don’t think I owe an explanation for either of those other than to mask my geek boner with a text book or a jacket. My man-crushes on these man-men are the man-crushes of humanity. Perhaps she is saving them for her final two Knight… holes… slots? Her final Knight slots. Once all holes… slots are filled, the moon will crack to reveal its hollow core which contains an orbital disco ball only slight smaller than the moon itself. The sun’s rays will hit its hundreds of thousands of tiny mirrors and the people of earth will dance as the super intense reflected light rays render our gyrating booties to naught but smoldering ash. I hope she serves scones.

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48 Comments

  8. The queen is getting them all together for the 300 movie reboot.

    Wesley Crusher: This is blasphemy! This is madness!
    Sir Captain Picard: Madness?
    Sir Captain Picard: This is Britain! (Kicks Wesley out of an airlock)

  9. Hannibal Lecter is the reason why you never find any evidence of the knights missions. He just eats anything that could be recognised. Just starve him for a few days beforehand. He will go through bone like butter. He can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a Hannibal Lecter". You don't even need to shave the victims or remove the teeth, he does all that for you. So be wary of any Queen that keeps a Hannibal Lecter.
    This is what makes Britain Great.

  14. Don't forget Herschel Krustofski!

    On a sidenote, the Beefeaters are actually pretty awesome, too. They protect the crown jewels, but they also do really awesome, entertaining tours of the Tower of London. And Tom Clancy is an honorary beefeater.

  17. Ampngst the musicians you named as nights, you forgot Sir Mick Jagger! Her Majesty has to be a rocker, with her own special edition of ROCK BAND with only the songs she orders! In fact the party u described must be BITCHIN'. I wanna go!
    On another note, can you picture these guys in the armor?

  21. Happy Father's Day! This made me laugh sooo hard… more at the ranty blog to follow than the comic though that was great too. I think all the Dr. Who's of past should be added to that mix but then again that's just me. I was so overjoyed to see Captain Picard was though!

  22. Don't forget Sir Richard and David Attenborough, Dame Judi Dench and Dame Helen Mirren. Mirren could defeat any of the Queen's opponents with just a sour look and aa withering comment about their masculinity/femininity….

    Sir Patrick Stewart lost points with me the other day when he berated obese British comic James Corden for like, 5 painful and unfunny minutes about his belly at the British Glamour Awards. Methinks you should stick to the Earl Grey and not Jack Daniels before the ceremony, Locutus…

  23. One of the blogs I follow has a recurring idea for an RPG one-shot. Some kind of disaster threatens, and the Knights of England must rise to defend Her! Players would pick one of the famous Knights, who has been mystically drafted (and empowered?) by virtue of the ceremony. I think it would be a blast!

  25. I have never been more frighten of a British counter-revolution. We Americans must prepare. What could we call our knight-equivalents? Struggling for ideas. Superheroes? Awesomenauts? Dang it, all my potential names just sound lame by comparison. Some help here? how can we fight back if we can't even name our counter-knights?

  28. I'm going to set a goal to call someone a "hideous moron of a stupid fool" in the next 24 hours.
    Hopefully in relation to something Star Wars.
    🙂

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