Conspiracy

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The Doctor Is In T-Shirt

“The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic is here!

Alternate Title: Look, Up In The Sky. It’s A Flightless, Tightless Bird!
Alternate Mad Magazine Title: The Red-Blue BLECH!

Ten years later and all I have to say is, “Fuck you Smallville. Fuck you right in the eye.” I posted something on Twitter about how watching the series finale of Smallville was like taking your last, tar-filled drag on the day they stopped making cigarettes. I think that about sums it up. I’ve always know it was bad for me, and no good could come from it. I knew that I was hurting myself and, more importantly, the ones I loved by indulging in such a self-destructive habit week after week. The only way I was able to break free of its toxic hold on my life was to surrender the choice to a higher power. Namely the CW executives that cancelled the show. They have cut off the supply chain for this particular brand of poison and relieved me of the need for personal courage or strength. I am still a broken shell of a man, but at least I can’t continue to feed the monkey on my back. His banana boat has sailed… Ok, that metaphor was pretty weak, but you get the point.

I was going to write something about how you shouldn’t mourn Smallville (even for the guilty pleasure) in the same way you don’t mourn the passing of someone who’s been ravaged by cancer for a decade. When the end comes you are just happy they aren’t suffering any more. Then I realized Smallville wasn’t the patient… I was. Smallville was the disease. Then I got sad. Then I ate some cookies. There was a whole shame-spiral thing.

Regarding the above comic: The timeline is pretty weird right? I mean I know it’s a total coincidence, by damn. Two great evils, two pock marks on our nation, filling our hearts and minds with fear, existing side by side for almost exactly the same ten year span. That shit is bizarre.

Another thing: My friend Sam revealed his next, groundbreaking project in this blog post, which I had a small part in creating at TCAF. It is both terrifying and your new favorite internet thing.

COMMENTERS: We are talking about doing an All-Smallville podcast this week. Sort of a soul-colonic to rid our bodies of the toxins left by a decade of exposure to radioactive sadness. If you have topics or questions you would like addressed in the comments, feel free to post them there. Otherwise, feel free to post anything you like about Smallville in general or the finale. Finale spoilers are fine. This is a safe place.

!!!COMMENTS MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE SMALLVILLE SERIES FINALE!!!

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52 Comments

  4. DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SHARE WITH THE REST OF US, AMAZING LARRY?!

    All these years later, that scene where Pee-Wee lays out all of the "evidence" kills me every time.

  8. I haven't watched the finale yet, but I'm halfway tempted to load myself up with 'tussin and pretend that this season and "Thor" are part of one, giant, glorious "Fourth World" epic that crosses both large and small screens.

  9. What in the hell is Joel wearing? Near as I can figure it looks like either a Buzz Lightyear costume, or a dollar store version of those suits the Saiyans wore in Dragonball Z.

    • I was about to ask that. It first looked like pads, but I'm thinking Tron sweatshirt. Either that or it's a Pee-Wee Herman joke I don't get because Pee-Wee was not allowed in the house when I was a child. Mainly, I think, because of his incident with Little Pee-Wee…

  10. Dude after watching Smallville's finale, you will not want to lump that in with Thor in any form or fashion. TRUST me!

    • Esp. because I'd rather watch Thor shirtless than SmallvilleMan/Boy/Streaker, or whatever I'm supposed to call the Clex.

  12. I firmly support the idea of an All-Smallville podcast. As someone who, as a kid, was a rabid Superman comic collector, yet (which looks like goddamn clairvoyance in retrospect) completely avoided ever watching more than 5 minutes at a time of Smallville, I am tremendously fascinated by the soul-searing pain you've endured in this Post-9/11 world (yeah, that coincidence is Foucault's-Pendulum-level mindfucking).

    If there's anything good to come out of a decade of Dawson's Clark, it'll be how much fun it is to hear you and the podcast team's bitter wit and vitriol aimed at the show. I expect hilarity, pathos, and The American Way.

    • Pssst…we don't use the "The American Way" part anymore when we talk about Supes: I think it's non-PC or something. See the last Superman movie, and "All-Star Superman" video from the Timmverse.

  13. I don't know what to say. There is literally nothing I could say that is more funny than this ridiculous show. I spent about 1/3 of my life following this show and they couldn't even give me one shot of Superman.

  15. Oh yeah is over finally. You should check TWOP there is are people there that will need therapy after wasting 10 years of their lives on this crap.

  16. Josh wears a bow-tie now, bow-ties are cool.

    tune in next week when he starts wearing a Fez (I for one think he can pull it off)

  20. The words of condolance that people offer in this situation are very much similar to those of sexual abuse counselors:

    The hardest part is not blaming yourself. The show was at fault. It plied you, tempted you, made you feel comfortable, and then violated that trust. It was a manipulator, pure and simple. And though your body may have briefly felt pleasure, remember that it was purely mechanical. It was never about love, but about control.

    • Steve, I think you may have a future in "Aggravated Fan Counseling". I think Josh may need some of your sweet, sweet words.

  22. I hope the all-Smallville podcast will dedicate a day or chapter or however podcasts are divided by category (I've never listened to one or watched or injected or whatever it is you do to podcasts. Sorry for my ignorance) to all the insane uses that show found for Kryptonite. The one that's seared in my memory as the straw that broke the camel's back was the Fast & the Furious episode with Kryptonite Nos in all the cars.

    Kryptonite injected into their cars' engines to make them go faster?! That happened! And people watched it. Then kept watching the show for another five or six years. It boggles my mind.

  23. You can always cleanse yourself by watching a Superman TAS and Justice League marathon. The power of Bruce Timm compels you.

    • I'm probably going to inspire a lot of rage here, but I can't get past how wooden the voice acting is in Justice League. It sort of makes the whole thing "meh" for me

      • I found that was mostly from Wonder Woman, and maybe Martian Manhunter and Superman. I thought Phil LaMarr was perfect as the Green Lantern, John Stewart. Did you know Michael "Lex Luthor" Rosenbaum was the Flash?

        • Yeah I think it's mainly the three that you mentioned that are really putting me to sleep, especially Martian Manhunter. I don't think I've heard any great delivery from Hawkgirl either. I'll try and keep pushing through cause everyone says how great JLA and Unlimited are, but I'm sort of hoping the focus shifts to Flash or Batman next (just watched War World last night)

        • Oh and that reminds me of another issue I had with the finale of Smallville, they completely wasted Michael Rosenbaum after all that time with people begging to have him back. That was probably the most grievous sin.

  24. The main problem I've had with Smallville, especially in this season and the one with Doomsday, is that there was way too much filler. To shamelessly steal someone elses quote, Smallville was some of the best 5 seasons of superhero action in television, the problem being that it was 10 seasons long. They'd start the season, introduce the big bad, then seem to lose track of the plot for the rest of the season then try and wrap it up in the last episode. It made the series very uneven and the resolutions unsatisfying.

    The last episode itself was like one of those seasons all wrapped up in one episode. Too many speeches, too much idle wandering, and an abrupt and unsatisfying resolution. To top it all off we didn't even get a decent look at Tom Welling in the suit. I know people say it was probably licensing issues, but what sort of bizarre licensing would let them use the suit and emblem, let them use the name Superman, but not allow for an up close shot of the suit actually being worn? All in all it was underwhelming. To sham

  26. Smallville and the hunt for Osama: both things that lasted much longer than anyone it would back in 2001.

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