An Oscar Caliber Performance

I still haven’t seen “There Will Be Blood” yet. And for that I am sorry. After “Gangs of New York” I wanted to find out the exact moment I would die, so that I could arrange to be murdered by Daniel Day Lewis (as Bill the Butcher) 5 minutes prior to my death. That would really be the best possible way to go out. Moments before I succumb to the grips of cancer or heart disease, Day Lewis appears behind me with a waxed up mustache, waxed down hair and a top hat and runs me through with a skewer. Then he would climb atop a nearby potato box or tree stump and make a short speech about what an honor it was to kill me. Classy. That’s all there is to it. Classy.

Twenty years later (Day Lewis is still 45 or so because he’s also a Highlander or some sort of Vampire) my daughter would infiltrate his ranks, befriend him, earn his trust, then stick him like a pig when he least expects it. She’s a good girl like that.

OK, wait… that’s basically EXACTLY the plot of “Gangs of New York.” I guess if I had to pick a different movie-themed death I would want to be sent into space and set on a collision course with earth so that Bruce Willis could fly a rocket to me, land on me, drill a hole in my face and plant a nuclear warhead in my skull then save the rest of his crew by staying behind to make sure I blew up. He’s an American hero.

I tried hand-drawing the speech bubbles for the first time with this comic. I think it looks pretty cool. I also liked the hand lettering in the last panel. Let me know what you think in the comments. Also, (this may be a morbid question) but what movie-themed death would you choose? Die Hard? Dukes of Hazard? Hannah Montana?

PS

Go check out the Podcast. People seem to like it.

UPDATE: JOEL’s JOCULARITY EXPLANATION CORNER!
Since I’m getting a lot of “Whuh?” and “Buh?” in regard to this comic, I’m just going to spell it out. This is a parody of the (apparently not so) popular meme “I drink your milkshake,” which is based on the movie “There Will Be Blood” for which Daniel Day Lewis just won Best Actor at the 2008 Academy Awards. Sorry for the confusion.

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84 Comments

  5. I'd go with SPOILER ALERT!!! I can see that you clearly are not a fan of spoiler alert, but I don't think I could reveal the plot of TWO movies without it. Yeah, I'd definitely go with spoiler alert, dick. Now I'm gonna go listen to the podcast, but don't think for a second that i'm enjoying it.

  6. This joke went way over my head, even with the blog post.

    PT Anderson bores the shit out of me, man. I don't think I like him.

  8. "Always look on the bright side of life *whistle*"

    Speaking of Monty Python, I'd like to go out like the Black Night from the Holy Grail.
    Arthur: "You've got no arms left!"
    Black Knight: "Have at you!"
    *Black Knight's last leg is cut off*
    Black Knight: "Alright; we'll call it a draw."
    Then I guess I would just bleed to death or die from infection.

  19. I'm pretty sure the SPOILER ALERT statute of limitations has expired on "Armageddon" and "Gangs of New York" being 10 and 6 years old respectively. Along the same line: Vader is Luke's father, Bruce Willis was a ghost, Ed Norton IS Tyler Durden, Verbal is Keyser Soze, and The Village is in the present day.

  22. If you ever saw event horizon sunshine is on about the same level. Little more sciency and less fantasy than event horizon, but similar level of quality and general feel. I saw it and wasn't impressed, but then again I'm not really a big fan of the horror genre.

  24. This reminded me a lot of Garfield comic strips for some reason. Eli is Jon Arbuckle, quietly and peacefully eating a poptart, and you're the belligerent Daniel Day Lewis marmalade cat. Incidentally, Eli likes lasagna. Does that make Josh Odie? Hmm.

  27. Gah, I hate Strawberry Pop Tarts… The Smores ones are the way to go.

    Hmm… Coolest death? It would have to involve Lightsabers… And hookers… And cocaine… And a mustache. Yeah, I like where this is going.

  29. Private Jackson (sniper in Saving Private Ryan) – be a complete badass until your final moment, when you realize that you are totally boned and then die in a blazeplosion of glory…and meaty chunks.

  32. Thats a pretty good one. Check out that guys career. "Private Ryan" "We were soldiers" "Flags of our Fathers" AND "Battlefield Fucking Earth!" and "The Dale Earnhardt Story" as Dale Earnhardt.

  34. I vote for Bill's death in Kill Bill Vol. 2. Having your heart be made to explode after taking 5 steps is the classiest death I've ever seen in a martial arts, slashy, blood-gushy film.

    As for the comic, though I don't get it either, I still thought it was funny. Nothing says intimidation like a nice, full chomo/Luigi mustache and the half-closed eyes.

    BTW Joel, I must note that this comic looks very crisp and clean. Very high-def. Me like.

  35. Damnit! No one gets it. How can a comic about the 2nd biggest movie in America right now be too obscure? Oh well. Watch the clip on Youtube and at least it will partly make sense. I give up.

    Thanks for the art kudos. Im really trying to pick a style I can stick with. i was pretty pleased with how this one turned out.

  45. Really? The 2nd biggest movie in America? I'm surprised at that, as I personally don't know anyone who's seen it, including me. Of course I haven't seen several movies I really do want to see such as Jumper. Too damn expensive to go to the movies these days, as if after the $10 a person for admission (which means at least $20 in most cases, plus tax), if you decide to get a soda or popcorn you can tack another $10 to $20 on top of that. Cheaper to wait for the damn movies to come out on DVD or BluRay and just buy them (or rent them).

  47. Sorry, I get almost all my meme's from slashdot and WoW, so unless it's made the rounds there I'm generally not aware of it (and I don't even pay attention to most of the ones on WoW). Occasionally I'll pick one up from canihazacheezeburger.com but I only visit that site every couple weeks when I'm seriously bored.

  50. Ok Pyros do rock and they play guitar so that automatically gets points by me.
    Second spies are good in 2fort so stop harassing Gabe's favorite class.
    THIRDLY anybody who is and engineer is a little bitch.

  53. ::spoiler warning:: See the movie or be spoiled here. I'm posting it though, because you opened the can of worms.

    In the movie there's a whole set up about both Daniel Plainview and the preacher, having a milkshake. He uses it as a metaphor for how to drill oil. He drinks "his milkshake" even though he didn't have to be in possession of the milkshake because he has a really long straw. It's an era metaphor given life by the character.

    Without the set up (and you haven't seen the movie, so this makes more sense) the joke doesn't actually make sense. Daniel Plainview did not just run around yelling "I drink your milkshake" for two hours. I think that's why the comic is just befuddling. I saw the movie twice and this just made me go, hrmmmm.

    Joel also did not beat Eli to death with a bowling pin after screaming about the milkshake to be followed IMMEDIATELY by the credits and peppy music. The genius of the movie.

  54. <3 the "swiped" sound effect.

    Also enjoying your eyebrows–look like they're getting ready to challenge the moustache for dominion over your face.

    There Will Be Pop Tarts! I eat your mousta…I eat…uh…nevermind.

  67. I pretty much won't see a movie unless it's in IMAX. Bigger "wow-factor", more comfy seats, stadium seating, fewer little kids. I'll gladly pay an extra $3 for that. If execs don't think their movie is visually stunning enough for IMAX, then I'm fine waiting for the DVD.

  74. So fragin' true. The first 4 episodes of the 4th season were disappointing. Last night's episode was awesome. The jumps, the "constant", hell even the romantic scenes were really good. Desmund episodes are usually much interesting anyway. Apparently the scientist guy not so lame either.

  75. I just had a 30 min conversation with Josh at lunch about LOST because of that episode. Do you realize how long its been since we gave enough of a shit about LOST to actually speculate and conjecture about its plot? It was refreshing to care again.

  77. I liked the Sayid ep too but unfortunately it was spoiled for me on another website (the put a gun in my mouth and made me read the spoilers), so there were no surprised. I'm sure I would have liked it more had I not known everything.

  78. Nobody here in my workplace watches Lost, so my lame attempts for watercooler discussions have always failed miserably. Eventually, Lost stated to become boring, so I started discussing Tricia the number six instead… up until today.

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